It seems that I have been in a bit of a rut lately. I know these things are bound to happen in life. We have days that cause us to skip with joy and others we would like to forget. These past two weeks have been hard. I think I have let the busyness of life overtake my time that I need as an introvert to process and relax. Through it all I have felt distant from God. Not that He isn't there...just that I am not resting or listening to Him. I can tell this has lead me to a place of exhaustion and lack of joy.
Taking it back a couple of weeks....I have made the decision to move. This both terrifies and excites me! God is calling me to fully trust in Him and move to a new place with no job or plans. My whole past year has been a journey of trusting the Lord and letting Him break me of my love of control. I feel like it has been training for this upcoming move...or total leap of faith. So, with this leap of faith I am struggling. I constantly worry about how I will pay my rent and loans when I move...oh and I just mentioned how I do not have a secured job. I have been praying everyday that the Lord would provide a job for me...It is so hard to be okay with His timing.
While at church last Sunday the sermon just happened to be on anxiety and peace. Good one God. It really spoke to my heart. I knew that I was having spiritual issues...but the Lord revealed that I was not surrendering things to Him. He was letting me know that my anxious heart was crying for attention...and I was "running" on my own strength. The problem with running on my own strength is that it is not fulfilling. If I am not running towards the end goal or my hope in the Lord, than I am running towards things that will not last. It is exhausting. This Sunday the lyrics of a song stuck with me..."many waters cannot quench this thirst". I am running and I am thirsty. Jesus promises us the living water that will finally satisfy our need for love. So often I am looking for an answered prayer or some more money to pay bills or a new shirt to fill me up. While those things are blessings...they are not what completes me. My relationship with God does. He wants me to come to Him with every need, hurt, and concern.
The sermon on anxiety used the verses Philippians 4:6-9. "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me-everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you." My first reaction to this was great, another anxiety sermon on the most popular "stress verses". But as the verses were broken down, I realized that I do not actually put these truths into practice. God challenged me to put them into practice this week. That said, this is the week I got into my first car accident. Everyone was fine, but my parents car and pride were dented. Perfect opportunity to practice this truth? I spent that day sulking and stressing...but that night realized that I had the chance to either sit in that place of sadness or give it to the Lord. After praying and resting I knew that God was offering me the chance to wake up the next day to a fresh morning. This week has still had its up and downs...but I am learning to think of the good and pure things even when work gets stressful or things are falling apart. This lesson is tough but freeing.
Some of my crappy situations and circumstances still exist. But Jesus offers support during these times...not an escape plan. He gives us peace even when things are hard. I think of Jesus on the cross. He had to endure the worst type of death possible...but God didn't change His plan so that He did not have to endure that pain and suffering. God got Him through it. My circumstances will not always change so that things are easy and painless. I know that the Lord is working things in my life so that His plan will be carried out. Jesus had to suffer so that we could gain a new and amazing life with God. I may have to suffer so that others will come to know Jesus, or so that I will be pruned and refined to look more like Jesus. So even when it's tough....I say thank you Lord for my life. Thank you for the struggles that make this journey with you worth it. Thank you that you redeem my mistakes, never define me by my sin, and love me even when I throw fits. Thanks for this summer and for the friendships that I will forever cherish. Thanks that you are calling me to a new place.
Here is to the next step--hello to my soon to be home...Chapel Hill.
