submerged.

   WOAH.  It has been over a month since my last post.  The truth is I have spent most of my time trying to avoid writing and processing what is going on in my life.  This move has been harder on me and my relationship with the Lord than I expected.  One thing I have learned and realized about myself is that I tend to have the most joy when things are smooth in life...meaning that tough circumstances cause my joy in the Lord to falter.  Therefore, is my joy really from the Lord and the knowledge of His love and sacrifice for me?  Or is it in success and worldly affairs?
   I am still learning about the culture and lifestyle of Chapel Hill.  But, honestly I have spent a lot of time hiding and be unhappy with my life.  I can't help but feel like I should be doing more, or something different, or something "cooler".  The strange thing is I do not even know what that "something" is.  I feel like I have been constantly broken down to the point of not knowing who I am or even what I'm passionate about.  Yes, I know that I am a loved daughter of the Lord.  I know my overall purpose in this life...but I know that God created us each with a specific purpose and with talents we posses to share with this world.  He designed us to thrive and enjoy the gifts of this world (after all, He did create the world--just not the mess we have made it).  That said, I feel like I have lost the ability to determine what I really enjoy doing--because it always seems to become an idol or something that is snatched away from me.  This past month has been a reflection of how truly broken my heart is.  How much I really want to belong to anything...to do something great, to make a difference.
   This week was definitely a breaking point for me.  It has been years since I have spent so much time crying or feeling sorry for myself.  That is thing--I am so concerned with myself.  I am looking for fulfillment in a job that has a prestigious title, for hobbies that are praised, and for a comfortable lifestyle.  I have none of those things right now.  God knows what He is doing and I have to trust that fact.  I have spent the past month crying out to the Lord to just give me the things I "want".  The crying out was not a waste....and in a way my prayers have been answered.  I am not getting those wants.  He wants me to want Him the most.  So even though I have been crying, I was crying for relief from circumstances in my life.  Not for more of the Lord..."So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so He can show you His love and compassion.  For the Lord is a faithful God.  Blessed are those who wait for His help." --Isaiah 30:18   It is comforting to know that even though I am waiting for help I never have to wait for His love.  It is time for me to accept the fact that no matter what I am loved by Him.
   I spend so much time searching for happiness.  I keep thinking of where I will be next year, what do I want to do as my career, and when will I have my dream job?  I spend so much time thinking about the future that I am missing out on life now.  God is calling me to enjoy the place I am now.  So, I am going to give Chapel Hill a chance and stop thinking that it is just a place I will be for a few months.  The truth is I have no clue how long I will call this place home.
   So, I am 23 and still figuring out who I am.  Instead of being sad about that I am going to try and be a little more adventurous.  Is there a better way to find out what you love and enjoy doing?  Here is a motivating song lyric for when you feel like you are drowning.  Our God is one who redeems.  A God who works through situations that seem completely hopeless.

"Are you searching for purpose?

Then write something, yeah it might be worthless

Then paint something then, it might be wordless

Pointless curses, nonsense verses

You'll see purpose start to surface

No one else is dealing with your demons

Meaning maybe defeating them

Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend"

-Twenty One Pilots (you all knew that was coming:D)