They say in the moments of sadness and hardship you find out what you really love...or believe in. I am still in the rut of being jobless and wondering what I am doing with my life. There have been extreme ups and downs in the past few weeks. But I am still learning what a relationship and love for the Lord really consists of.
A passage of scripture that has so much meaning to me lately is Deuteronomy 6. "Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your foreheads as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."
One of the first commands mentioned in the passage is to NOT worship other gods...or make idols. When I really take a look at my life I have many idols. My brain is flooded with thoughts of how to make myself "better", jobs I would love to have, and the constant stress and pressure of never measuring up. My idols point back to the brokenness of my heart...and the lack of trust that God will do what His word says. The verses in Deuteronomy let me know that a part of my daily routine should be reminding myself of the gospel and God's promises. The goodness in His word always rests my heart...even if it doesn't fix a problem right away. I know my hardest days are when I am not listening to or thanking God for His love and provision. In this passage it also says "And the Lord our God commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear him so he can continue to bless us and preserve our lives, as he has done to this day. For we will be counted righteous when we obey all the commands the Lord our God has given us." The Lord promises that obeying Him will lead to blessings and provision. This does not mean I will get everything I ask for...but He has taken care of His children correctly for years. Why do I expect that He doesn't know how to provide for His children He created and designed?
God has been telling me to surrender my fears and idols to Him. Of course this is terrifying. For some reason I like to try and hide my insecurities from the Lord. When in reality I should be inviting Him into those broken parts of my life. When I accepted Jesus as my savior He wanted and still wants to mend those wounds that hold me in fear and sadness. I just have to profess that I need help with the idols that distract me from knowing who I am. In our society surrendering means that you have given up, which is shameful...and that you were not worthy of winning. But when you surrender your life to the Lord He meets you with peace. Peace and rest from the worries of this world.
So here I am wrestling with the idol of money. Not because I want more so I can buy a pair of fancy boots, but I view it as a sense of security. I am worried,broke, and not looking forward to making this months upcoming payments. I am learning to lean on the Lord to provide..because as He cares for birds and flowers, He will give me the necessary needs to survive. I am a broken mess, and sometimes I really question what being a Christian means. I can tell you that being a Christian does not make life easier...but I cannot imagine life without a relationship with the Lord. Even though life is hard and sometimes I want to give up, the little glimpses of hope and love of Jesus make it worth it.
