LIFE. OH MY.
My year has already proved to be much of an exciting journey. I am starting to feel a bit more at home in this place they call Chapel Hill. And I am thrilled to continue to call it home again in the fall. Spring here is absolutely gorgeous. My obsession with trees is definitely being fed. While the season of spring is not my favorite, it is a reminder of all things alive, new, and beautiful. I think this "spring" theme is seen in my life by the amount of new and exciting adventures happening in the lives of my friends. I know five amazing couples who will be married this spring/summer! My heart is so filled with joy for them. My weeks have been filled with talks and celebrations for these new marriages. While sometimes it is overwhelming with the money spent on gifts, dresses, shoes and travel...it is worth it knowing that my friends are starting a new and exciting phase of life.
People keep asking if this wedding season frenzy has been hard for me. I really have to say, no. I know in my heart that I have a lot to learn about myself and the Lord. I have to admit the only time my heart felt a desire for marriage was while watching my best friend pick out her wedding dress. When she found the perfect dress (and we all knew it) I had a strange thought go through my mind. I felt a desire and hope that one day I would have the chance to pick out a beautiful dress. One I will wear on the day I will say "yes" to someone who will love me my flaws. Marriage is truly a beautiful picture of Christ. It is wonderful to know that on this earth marriage represents Christ loving us. As Christ loves flawed people, we have the opportunity to love another flawed person.
While marriage is not on my radar...learning more about the love God has for me is. I've been in a season where I sometimes feel distant from God, but no matter what I know He loves me. A lot of things about my sick heart have been revealed in the past month. I am still relying on myself for strength, I do not trust God financially, I constantly critique my image, and I have become a critic of the church. One of the main things I have noticed is that I am still waiting and praying for a career/passion/purpose. Basically, something that I think will make me happy. I know deep in my soul that an exact purpose will not complete me...but for some reason I still want it. I can completely relate with Romans 7:21-25, "I have discovered this principle of life - that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin." Most days it seems no matter how much I want to love God or completely surrender to Him, I cannot. Even though I want to love others intentionally and see myself as a beautiful person, I just cannot. This is a reminder of my need for Jesus.
My constant need for Jesus is revealed in my idolization of having a specific purpose in life. I literally have dealt with this idea of having a life purpose for YEARS. It almost makes me sick to think about the number of times I have talked about this topic. But my God, being a loving and kind father, has gently been working on this heart issue. While reading my Bible this week I was struck by some verses in John, "I tell you the truth, you want to be with me because I fed you, not because you understood the miraculous signs. But don't be so concerned about perishable things like food. Spend your energy seeking the eternal life that the Son of Man can give you. For God the Father has given me the seal of his approval." (John 6:26-27) I often have to ask myself why am I following Jesus? Is it to have an easy life? Is it so things can always go my way? Or is it because I really believe in and love God? I feel like sometimes I am just waiting on the Lord to show me my life purpose...but what happens when I finally know?
If you have been reading my blog or kept up with me over the past couple of years you know that life for me has been a complete roller coaster. I've dealt with many idols and obsessions...ones that directed me in paths that I felt were so far from the Lord. I've come to realize that I have a tendency to easily have a goal and then do anything to obtain it. Most of the time that results in doing things my way and on my schedule. For once, I feel like the Lord is not letting me have some burning passion or desire in my heart because He knows that I have a proneness to take it and run. The verses in John are so encouraging to me because they make me look at my heart and ask why am I following Jesus? They also give me a clear answer of what my purpose in life is...to live life for Jesus, glorifying God, and to have the hope of spending eternity with Him. While I hope that one day I develop some talent or passion that God uses to help heal this broken world...for now, I ask Him to guide me to seek Him more and more everyday. I pray that I would stop being so concerned about the things and wants of the world, but instead, focus on Jesus. For the life of Jesus is beautiful, perfect, and inspiring.
