I had been avoiding writing for awhile because I kept trying to figure out what to write about. I've known what I need to process....it is the one thing that is constantly on my mind even though I wish it wasn't. My weight.
Moving back to the beach has been nothing but a constant blessing. I love my job, coworkers, friends, church, and the beautiful scenery I get to call home. Through the midst of all the goodness; the lies and struggle with my self image and worth still ring in my mind...and loudly. If you have kept up with my blog at all you know very well that I have issues with body image. That I used to starve myself so I could be "beautiful". Eating disorders are a very weird thing. They are a mental illness...and I am learning they take years to shake. Being a Type A person I want to beat this and move on. I have goals to just get over it and get on with my life. The thing is I cannot heal myself of this. I need help. Yes, I have gained weight and I am healthy. But my mind and heart are not. After trying for years to figure all of this out on my own, I have finally started to see a counselor.
The mental checklist of daily foods eaten play over and over in my mind like a sick slideshow. There are moments when I stop what I'm doing just to think about the amount of food I have consumed throughout the day. It is exhausting. I think about going home to workout and the calories I will burn to be able to justify another meal. I absolutely dread the scale...but at the same time it is a "friend" to me. A few weeks ago I weighed myself and gained a pound. One pound. I cried on the floor and spent my whole day off in my room not wanting to eat.
Counseling has been a very strange and freeing process for me. The concept of sitting in a room and talking about your life to a person who doesn't know you at all is...frightening. But I can say it is helpful. I am realizing I have unknowingly shaped my thoughts about who I am based on past experiences and even on things my parents did or didn't say. These realizations have been tough...but again, freeing. I have learned that I have control issues and that I like to solve problems on my own. I take advice from friends and family, but that is always after I have an action plan in motion. I would rather solve a problem without telling anyone...and instead tell them about the problem after I have already defeated it. It is hard for me to say, "I need help" or ,"I need prayer." So this is me saying, "I need help and prayer".
A huge thing I realized during my last counseling session was that as a child my parents did not say to me "you are beautiful" or "you are cherished". You would not think it, but so many problems have stemmed from this. Let me clear something up, I am not blaming my parents. I have AMAZING parents. They have done SO many things for me...and have provided and still provide a wonderful life for me. My mom is a close friend and I can tell her anything. But overall, they are humans. They are not perfect parents. And as cheesy as it sounds, I guess those are words of affirmation that I needed to hear. I had not thought about the fact that those were words I had never heard, until my counselor asked if my parents had ever said those things to me. I sat there on the couch not moving, I couldn't pinpoint a single moment where they had been said. Yes, I would always ask my mom , "do I look okay?", "is this outfit cute?", and "how does my hair look?" But I was asking. That has shaped my mental outlook on a lot of things in life. I cannot stand compliments. I think they bother me so much because I feel I do not deserve them. Compliments seem free to me...and I function by working hard, cleaning up my act, and achieving change; compliments do not seem to fit into that lifestyle.
My perspective of how I view myself and the fact that I must work so hard to achieve anything also plays out in my relationship with God. I do not know how to relate to Him as someone who loves me regardless of what I do. I cannot just be a beautiful daughter to Him. Where is the permission in that? Why don't I have to ask for His affection or love? Yes, I know the answers to these questions. The answers are supposed to be the game changer...but those answers are so foreign to my heart.
I am ready to be free from this mental illness. I am ready to enjoy this life the Lord has given me. I now know that I have to endure help and process my past. It is easier to run and try to cover up wounds. But the wounds that are exposed and taken care of are the ones that actually heal. I guess counseling and meeting with a nutritionist to help with the fear of food will help me heal. I am excited and nervous for this journey. The past few years I have been obsessed with my life calling and purpose....but this mental illness is still in the way. It is like there is a giant mental block in the way of me seeing who I can be without this illness. This thought is perfectly summed up in a book I am reading by a Christian girl who dealt with an eating disorder. "This need to let go of one's disordered identity is why many do not fully recover. It's also why I relapsed. I hadn't wanted to fully let go of my ability to choose anorexia. I'd become attached to my ED and didn't know who I was without it. I wanted the best of both worlds--to stay in control of my eating, but be healthy enough to fool everyone (including myself) into thinking I was no longer sick."
I miss God. I miss Him so much. The time spent dwelling, beating myself up, processing the shame, and obsessing about food steals my time from Him. I want to enjoy Him again. I want to enjoy eating with friends. I want to enjoy life.
So here I am again, writing about this shadow of myself...a past eating disorder. I am learning that this is not me. I have an identity that means so much more than I can imagine. My identity in Christ is freeing. It never keeps tabs, makes me feel shameful, or makes me ask for love. Now if my heart could grasp this.
Please join me in praying for girls who think they are defined by food. Who obsess about calories all day long, exercise for hours, cannot look in the mirror, are afraid of food, cry after stepping on a scale, and avoid shopping in fear of trying on a pair of shorts in a larger size.
For I know where there is hope there is healing.
"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most." Hebrews 4:16
