waves.

    My last post was right before summer was in full force...and now it is SEPTEMBER.  Us beach folk know this time as "our" summer.  The air is less humid and the water is still warm!  Labor Day on the beach is pretty much last call.  I am so excited for fall!  There is no question about it...it is the best season ever.  If you want to hear me say the word love one million times ask me about fall.
    This summer has definitely been one of the best ever.  I've had some small adventures, caught up with friends, spent some time on the beach, and saved a lot of money (aka worked my booty off).  With being so busy it has been hard to stop and process what is going on in my life...and that is something I truly treasure.  With things slowing down I have been forcing myself to stop and spend time reflecting.  The past few months have rendered a strange time for me and God.  I can't quite explain it, but He feels distant.  It is always hard to figure out what to do in those moments.  What does this distance mean?  Am I seeking Him?  Or is this just a quiet season?  Overall, it has been hard to do anything with confidence while feeling this distance.  I have been so frustrated...which has caused me to feel confused.  Not to mention I have felt a shift in my attitude.  Honestly, it has completely sucked.  While feeling all of this garbage...I can still say I have definitely had some encouraging words spoken to me.  They have given me fresh insight and advice (PTL for good friends).  Anyway, I am giving you all of this backstory to say...I do not understand the gospel and I do not have a grasp on God's love.  This is completely embarrassing to say because I have been a Christian for years!  I should know right?  Probably.  But I guess sometimes it takes months of being angry and years of trying to understand God to get to the point where you say, "I know nothing".  I understand that I do know some things.  I read my Bible, I pray, I have heard some good Tim Keller quotes (haha)...but deep down something is missing.  Basically, I need to get back to the basics.  Is this frustrating?  Ummm, of course.  Does it feel like it will be a crap ton of work?  Yes.  But this confusing time has taught me that life on my own sucks.
    In order to understand God and what a spirit filled life looks like I have purchased and begun to read Jesus Continued by J.D. Greear.  Wow, has this raised some good points and questions.  In this book it prompts you to seek God by thinking about how He has worked in your past.  It asks you to make a timeline of significant high and low experiences to see how God has worked in you.  So that is exactly what I am going to do!  Why in a public blog you ask?  Well, because in my timeline you will notice that sharing my story is something God has continually used in my life.  I love to hear stories.  And if you know me... I like telling them.

    Here are some defining moments of my life..

   Growing up in a southern Baptist church (some of you know where this is going haha): This experience completely shaped my life.  It was not all bad.  I had friends at church, began to understand a sense of church family, and learned some basic Bible stories.  But as I have grown up I have realized small things that shaped my mentally of God and His church.  For example, why were men the only ones praying in front of the church, why was God addressed in such a lifeless way, why is this church so quiet and boring, why is there no growth in this church?  Church always seemed like a chore.  Every Sunday consisted of my parents getting me up so I could sit in a rock hard pew and try to stay awake.  Where was the life?  Where was the excitement?  Where was the joy?  Now I have these questions, but then I did not know they should be asked.  So middle school and high school consisted of a goody-two shoes girl going through the motions trying to follow a set of legalistic rules, and for the most part it worked.
    Going to college (again, I bet you are thinking..here we go!):  And you are right, here we go.  My freshman year of college was pretty dang awful.  What got me through was my super sweet random roomie.  She was a blessing and still continues to bless me today through her creativity.  My freshman year was a combination of strep throat, mono, and being homesick.  I wish that were all a joke haha  I also did not have any friends.  I did not know how to meet friends in this weird new world.  Seemed like people just somehow meshed together bonding over parties and drinking...neither of which I enjoyed.  But these party people had friends, so I decided to give in.  I learned how a hang-over felt, what regret looked like in the morning, and how empty all of it was.  On top of being sick I felt confused and sad.  After finishing out my freshman year at ECU,  I was looking to transfer schools.  Problem was I had this super random major that only a few schools had in NC...ECU being one of them.  So I decided to give it another shot and live off campus.  I wish that was the turn around but I had another awful semester.  I had random roomies who were interested in other hobbies so I decided to rush for a sorority.  Well, that was definitely one of the most memorable and culture shocking experiences of my life.  Long story short, it was expensive to have sorority girl friends.  And would we even be friends?  I do not know a brand name piece of clothing from a car engine part.  I remember the night before bid day crying on the floor in my apartment while talking to my mom on the phone.  I remember saying all I wanted was friends to go to a football game with.  Anyway, I decided not to spend extra money on friends.  Also, the fear of having to live in a house full of girls was a super scary thought.  Towards the end of the semester a sweet girl in my major invited me to a bible study after we had been chatting at the bus stop.
    InterVarsity (sports team?): After going to a bible study with the campus ministry InterVarsity, I decided to attend their fall retreat.  I had literally met these people one time and I was signing up to spend a weekend with them at the beach.  Risky?  For me, yes.  But at this point I figured I had nothing to lose.  One of my most life changing events happened on that weekend.  We split up into a few groups and were asked to share "our story".  I am going to be honest I had no clue what that meant.  Basically, it was a testimony, or who you were, or sharing something you were enduring or had overcome.  When it was my turn to talk I was confused at what was coming out of my mouth.  They were things I had always wanted to say but never had the chance to.  Some of it seemed to be new to my brain.  I remember feeling like I was floating after this time of sharing.  The rest of weekend continued on with laughing, worship, and ridiculous dance parties.  And not only did I go home from that weekend with new friends, I still have those friendships today.
    Eating Disorder: I have written about this time and time again, but it is a huge part of my life and the reason I started this blog.  The stress of college and of gaining a few pounds sent me to seek out dieting and exercise.  What started out as a healthy plan soon spiraled into a deadly routine both mentally and physically.  The worst of this phase lasted for about a year before I decided to tell anyone.  This is not a highlight in my life but there were moments during this time where I knew God was caring for me.  The most specific one was when I was returning home from class feeling overwhelmed and sad.  I felt like I had too much to eat that day so I decided that I was going home to make myself puke.  Throughout my struggle with food and weight I had not up until this point resorted to bulimic tendencies.  When getting back to my apartment I shut my bathroom door and tried to make myself vomit.  I couldn't do it.  And I sat on the floor with my back to the wall and shouted out to God, "I can't do this anymore."  I kept repeating it while weeping.  After a few minutes I stopped crying.  I knew things had to change.  That was the first rational thought I had in months.
    Declined: A lot happened my senior year of college including my decision to apply for InterVarsity staff.  Wow, was that application and interview process insane.  I was nervous about finding out the decision and was hoping it would be in my favor.  The call came and it was a "no"...I was crushed.  I remember sobbing at a Friday night church service and having a friend come up and sit beside me...she just held me and said nothing.  It was unbelievably comforting and I hope I never forget that moment.  That fall when I would have been doing all of the fun training and moving and cool staff things...I was stuck at the beach in the off season.  I was so angry.  But those fall and winter months proved to be a super restful and soul searching time.  I spent countless hours with God and felt like I was being refreshed.
    Chapel Hill: After spending one off season at the beach I decided that I could not do it again.  An opportunity arose and I had a place to live in a new town that I would have never moved to without this exact setup haha Oh, Chapel Hill.  I found a job after a few months and I hated it!  My boss could tell that as well, and I was fired (FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING PEOPLE ha)  I then spent another month looking for a job and found one in Apex, Raleigh.  Yes, that is a 40 min commute one way.  Chapel Hill pushed me to go out of my comfort zone.  The second week I was there I found a small group to attend and was hooked from the start.  What a weird group of people who would be (and still are) amazing friends.  I traveled to new places, did strange things alone, and ventured out to see bands and participate in interesting UNC traditions.  Through all of this I was falling back into old habits with eating and stress.  When deciding to move back to the beach for summer I knew I had to get professional help to deal with the eating disorder residue.  I had tried to recover on my own and it wasn't cutting it.  With that said, I found an awesome counselor and nutritionist that have helped me in exponential ways!
    Boyfriend: Yes, I have an awesome and loving boyfriend.  I could write a book on the dumb things we do or the funny things that have happened.  But overall, he is a total blessing.  I have no clue how he puts up with my crazy moods or crying fits.  Or how he knows what advice to give that makes life seem like a big ray of sunshine haha  I never thought I would find such a creative, loving, kind, nerdy, and talented boy.  Miracles do happen! (haha)

    If you have made it this far congrats!!!  But here is what I have gathered from writing and processing this.  I get mad at God when things are not going my way.  I throw fits and demand that things be fixed my way on my time.  In my story you see that never quite happens...So I hope to do my best in trusting what God is doing.  I know he has equipped me with certain talents, passions, viewpoints, and insight.  And I hope to be more thankful instead of angry.  I have experienced the strange world of college and moving to a new town.  I have so many friends who I want to spend more time with (each of you, I mean it).  And disappointments that have only made me stronger each time.  Oh, and not to forget a boyfriend who loves me and whose kind words have been teaching me the truth about my worth.  I guess God is up to something much bigger than I could ever imagine, and my job is to trust and obey.  Now I'm trusting that God will show up again, just as He has in many moments of my life.

wood next to diamonds.

     Summer is approaching quickly!  I can say I am ready for these rainy cool days to pass so I can start to enjoy the sun and ocean again.  Only about a month until the rush of summer begins!  I am preparing myself mentally haha  That means I have to write about a couple of issues my heart and brain have been struggling to process for the past two years (yes, that is a long time y'all.)  With that said, if you are reading this post....finish it.  I will probably make some foolish statements.  Love me through those.  I am not saying I am perfect or an expert on these topics, but God has been doing a thing or two in my life to highlight these issues.  Let's go.
     If you know me or have read any of my blogs, I hope you have gathered that I am a Christian.  In this day and age that can honestly be a super vague statement.  I consider myself a Christ follower.  Meaning, that daily I am trying to serve and love God in a way that is glorifying to Him.  I hope to see His kingdom advance on this earth.  Being a Christian doesn't mean that I am just waiting for heaven...His work can be done in this very moment.  Does that sound unfamiliar to you?  I sure hope not.  But with how Christianity is portrayed today it might....sorry if this post is one large rant...but it has been a large rant in my heart for some time.
     1) Are Christians only trying to get you into heaven?  This question is a tough one.  We do want everyone to go to heaven.  If you truly love people wouldn't you want them to spend eternity with you and in perfect relationship with God? I sure hope so.  But this want can be majorly skewed in the Christian walk.  Are you loving to just convert?  I fear that many of us love with an agenda.  God has absolutely wrecked this mindset for me.  You cannot fully love out of a motive to get only what you want.  That is not love.  Love involves two people...two people who have dreams and pain to throw into the mix.  If you truly love you will not be able to guess the outcome, nor should you want to.  There isn't a formula for love, and there is a reason for that.  Genuine love is accepting people exactly where they are...but with that, you encourage them to be the best they can.  You see their flaws and love them through those.  You want them to overcome struggles/trials or whatever...but you cannot force it.  If we are basing our image of love off of God we understand that love involves pain.  It involves sacrificing, and it involves change.  Mostly, it involves listening and understanding people, for exactly who they are..and in exactly where they hope to be.  If you are loving based on an outcome that you want, you are completely missing the chance to love a human heart.  A heart that is a mess but has been beautifully paid for.
     2) Christians are super judgmental.  Yes, yes we are.  I'm not saying that judgment within the church is all wrong.  Christians have the call to judge those within the family to draw them closer to God...and to point out how we are harming our own hearts.  Just think about your judgement.  Please.  Who wants to join a family (the church) if it only means living up to rules and pleasing everyone?  Isn't that what we all deal with daily?  Shouldn't the church be a refreshing place for our souls?  What does the Bible even say about the church?  I have been a strange place with the church for some time now.  There have been weeks where all I wanted to do was give up on church and try to live out my walk with God alone.  That is impossible, and God corrected that thought through His guidance in the Bible.  Jesus died to save your soul and establish a way for you to have a personal relationship with God, but he also established a new church and way to live with others in community.  He died so that the old way of serving God (animal sacrifices and rules) would be dismissed.  Church should not seem like a place where people go to get things right with God for the week and then leave.  Church is a family of people who believe in the power of God/Jesus and want to see a community, a people, and a land completely loved and taken care of.  Jesus didn't die so we could be timid people that go back to our old ways of sin.  He died to establish a community of love left with His spirit to change and advance His kingdom in this very moment.  Have you experienced a church with this love?  I'm not saying that the church will be perfect.  It cannot be...it is full of flawed people, and Jesus did not die for our perfection.  But my prayer and hope is that the church would get it right in some ways.  That we would be a welcoming community instead of a condemning one.  Stop telling people they have to change when they walk in the church doors.  I promise if you love them where they are, God will get a hold of their heart.  I promise He will change them...and it will not be on your timeline.  How did you come to love God?  Was it by someone telling you that you were living in sin?  Was it by people pointing out your every flaw?  Trust me, they know their flaws.  Their hearts are hurting, stop making it worse.  The love of Jesus draws us in and heals.  It is a process, but it is one of love and that takes time.  Just like we learn our worth in Jesus, I hope people learn their worth in the church.  You are welcomed and invited to church.  Can we please make the church what it was intended to be?  Not a place of perfection and judgement, but a place where broken people gather to learn their worth and experience a new and different life.  There will still be hurt in the church, that is a given.  But can we figure out solutions of those hurts based on the teaching of Jesus?  I am completely looking at myself here.  I am not perfect, but as a Christian I am craving community that can only be found and lived out in the context of this church that Jesus died for.
   If you are a Christian and believe in the gospel that Jesus preached, are you excited about it?  I so often feel that I am not.  That it is some message that I have just grown up just knowing and therefore accept, but that I am fearful/leery to talk about with anyone else.  We should be excited about what Jesus declares as GOOD NEWS.  I hope to work through some of my heart issues with you.  The weight of the gospel is not always set on my heart.  I hope to explore this "good news" for the rest of my life.  And it starts with talking about it.  It may seem like I am attacking Christians here...but I really just want you to think.  I know thousands of churches who are doing amazing things to love people.  They are doing it well.  But I still cannot help but feel like an outsider sometimes, praying, and hoping that we can love people a little better.  Think about your relationship with Jesus, think about why you love him, and think about how your heart has been changed.  After you think, pray that God would help you to listen and love better.  A heart is changed by unconditional love.  Be that unconditional love for someone.

shifting.

     I'm back!  Apparently my new thing is only writing blog entries months at a time.  So, hey!  2015 has been a pretty interesting year so far.  As you can tell I survived my coffee fast...it was not easy.  Is there a reason to wake up if you know you cannot have coffee? (half kidding)  But I was surprised and happy to know that I am not completely addicted.  Overall, the fast did push me to pray when all I wanted to do was drink a delicious latte.  I can vouch for the power of fasting.  One thing I learned from those weeks was that I can push myself to do things that are tough.  It has been helping me to shape a new-ish outlook on life.

     One thing I have always struggled with (and I hope some of you can relate) is the fear/thought of a boring life.  I feel like I am never meeting that life standard of adventure and carefree living.  It looks glamorous right?  But is it really?  So much of my time I spend day dreaming and thinking about the future.  What will I have seen?  Where will I live?  I am 1,000 percent guilty of forgetting the here and now.  I know it does not help my stress level.  Yes, I have stress levels.  Okay, it is one stress level....and it is always high haha  Honestly though, shaping your thinking is a tough task.  In a world of social media everything looks fabulous.  Do you feel like you are somehow missing out?  Those photos, books, and stories tell my mind I am not adventurous enough...even if that is not their intended purpose.  I know changing my outlook and thought patterns can be done...but I can't do it alone.  

     Alone.  That is another word and lifestyle that I am obsessed with.  I've read books that talk about a girl who hiked all alone, a guy who rode his bike halfway across the U.S. with a girl (wishing he was alone the whole time), and people who have dealt with loss on their own.  Seriously, these are the things I read and love.  For some reason I relate strength with being alone.  If you can master a task alone you are strong.  I also portray strength as the ability to overcome.  Can you imagine riding a bike across the U.S. alone?  How much mental strength and training that must take!  I admire it.  I crave it.  

     With all of that said I am a person who loves people.  Yes, I am an introvert who definitely cherishes alone time and personal space.  But I have this desire within me to be in a community.  I know that desire is one instilled in us as humans.  Whether we want to admit that or not, I believe it is true.  Think about what you want to do when something random or hilarious happens to you.  Do you want to tell someone?  Do you want to write about it and post it on a blog?  Do you tweet it?  You want to be known and heard...and you want someone to relate to you.  You want community, even if your version is on the other side of a computer screen.  

     This is why my soul is in constant conflict.  I cannot have both things to the extreme that I want them.  I know that being alone is not a lifestyle that God designed for us to flourish in.  In the Bible Jesus was surrounded by his disciples, and if he was "alone" he was spending time with God.  Therefore, I know that I am never going to be truly alone.  That is a comforting fact.  But why do I want to be alone at all?  

     Some of the best times of my life have been spent with people.  They have been spent hiking, laughing, traveling, and talking.  I have tons of memories with loved friends that I will cherish forever.  I have friends that can always make me laugh and those that point me towards what really matters in life.  You need both types of friends, trust me.  One of the most positive experiences of my life was college.  I was surrounded by so many people!  Even if you are "alone" at the library, a random person is still sitting beside you.  I was forced to be with people...and to this day I still crave that lifestyle and community.  My life was completely altered by God and His want for community.  By being a part of InterVaristy (a campus ministry) I was challenged to love people well and was inspired everyday by the new people who joined.  

     So, I know what community has changed in my life.  Why do I still want to be alone?  The honest answer is it is easy.  It is easy to focus on myself.  It is easy to only prepare, schedule, and attend to one person (me).  It seems better to focus only on me...I have personal goals to achieve!  It is easy to not have to keep up and be involved in the lives of others.  But easy isn't always the best choice...and it definitely is not the most exciting.  

     Over the years God has shaped me from a person who was completely obsessed with herself, to someone who loves others.  To someone who is compassionate and would do anything to help someone out.  This has been amazing for me to watch unfold.  I am a new person.  But with being a new person I still wrestle with old mindsets.  In a world that functions on making it to the top, having your name in lights, and overall, just being cool...it is hard to see anything else.  Those are not my life goals at all, but I do see them highlighted and portrayed everyday.  They make me feel like it is the way to go, you know, the life dream!

     While I continue to wrestle with the glamorous life of being a nomad, lone world traveler, and just overall adventurous soul...I deep down want solid community.  While it may seem easier to be alone, the times I have felt whole was with people I love.  The world is a big place full of people who were created for a purpose.  The more time I spend one on one with people the more I see their passions, hearts, and dreams.  I love it.  It inspires me.  And it is something I would have never seen or fell in love with if I spent most of my time alone. 

     If you read this entire post congrats!  You are a true friend haha  Next time I hope to break down my thoughts on adventure.  Until then, go hug someone :)