One thing I have always struggled with (and I hope some of you can relate) is the fear/thought of a boring life. I feel like I am never meeting that life standard of adventure and carefree living. It looks glamorous right? But is it really? So much of my time I spend day dreaming and thinking about the future. What will I have seen? Where will I live? I am 1,000 percent guilty of forgetting the here and now. I know it does not help my stress level. Yes, I have stress levels. Okay, it is one stress level....and it is always high haha Honestly though, shaping your thinking is a tough task. In a world of social media everything looks fabulous. Do you feel like you are somehow missing out? Those photos, books, and stories tell my mind I am not adventurous enough...even if that is not their intended purpose. I know changing my outlook and thought patterns can be done...but I can't do it alone.
Alone. That is another word and lifestyle that I am obsessed with. I've read books that talk about a girl who hiked all alone, a guy who rode his bike halfway across the U.S. with a girl (wishing he was alone the whole time), and people who have dealt with loss on their own. Seriously, these are the things I read and love. For some reason I relate strength with being alone. If you can master a task alone you are strong. I also portray strength as the ability to overcome. Can you imagine riding a bike across the U.S. alone? How much mental strength and training that must take! I admire it. I crave it.
With all of that said I am a person who loves people. Yes, I am an introvert who definitely cherishes alone time and personal space. But I have this desire within me to be in a community. I know that desire is one instilled in us as humans. Whether we want to admit that or not, I believe it is true. Think about what you want to do when something random or hilarious happens to you. Do you want to tell someone? Do you want to write about it and post it on a blog? Do you tweet it? You want to be known and heard...and you want someone to relate to you. You want community, even if your version is on the other side of a computer screen.
This is why my soul is in constant conflict. I cannot have both things to the extreme that I want them. I know that being alone is not a lifestyle that God designed for us to flourish in. In the Bible Jesus was surrounded by his disciples, and if he was "alone" he was spending time with God. Therefore, I know that I am never going to be truly alone. That is a comforting fact. But why do I want to be alone at all?
Some of the best times of my life have been spent with people. They have been spent hiking, laughing, traveling, and talking. I have tons of memories with loved friends that I will cherish forever. I have friends that can always make me laugh and those that point me towards what really matters in life. You need both types of friends, trust me. One of the most positive experiences of my life was college. I was surrounded by so many people! Even if you are "alone" at the library, a random person is still sitting beside you. I was forced to be with people...and to this day I still crave that lifestyle and community. My life was completely altered by God and His want for community. By being a part of InterVaristy (a campus ministry) I was challenged to love people well and was inspired everyday by the new people who joined.
So, I know what community has changed in my life. Why do I still want to be alone? The honest answer is it is easy. It is easy to focus on myself. It is easy to only prepare, schedule, and attend to one person (me). It seems better to focus only on me...I have personal goals to achieve! It is easy to not have to keep up and be involved in the lives of others. But easy isn't always the best choice...and it definitely is not the most exciting.
Over the years God has shaped me from a person who was completely obsessed with herself, to someone who loves others. To someone who is compassionate and would do anything to help someone out. This has been amazing for me to watch unfold. I am a new person. But with being a new person I still wrestle with old mindsets. In a world that functions on making it to the top, having your name in lights, and overall, just being cool...it is hard to see anything else. Those are not my life goals at all, but I do see them highlighted and portrayed everyday. They make me feel like it is the way to go, you know, the life dream!
While I continue to wrestle with the glamorous life of being a nomad, lone world traveler, and just overall adventurous soul...I deep down want solid community. While it may seem easier to be alone, the times I have felt whole was with people I love. The world is a big place full of people who were created for a purpose. The more time I spend one on one with people the more I see their passions, hearts, and dreams. I love it. It inspires me. And it is something I would have never seen or fell in love with if I spent most of my time alone.
If you read this entire post congrats! You are a true friend haha Next time I hope to break down my thoughts on adventure. Until then, go hug someone :)
