My last post was right before summer was in full force...and now it is SEPTEMBER. Us beach folk know this time as "our" summer. The air is less humid and the water is still warm! Labor Day on the beach is pretty much last call. I am so excited for fall! There is no question about it...it is the best season ever. If you want to hear me say the word love one million times ask me about fall.
This summer has definitely been one of the best ever. I've had some small adventures, caught up with friends, spent some time on the beach, and saved a lot of money (aka worked my booty off). With being so busy it has been hard to stop and process what is going on in my life...and that is something I truly treasure. With things slowing down I have been forcing myself to stop and spend time reflecting. The past few months have rendered a strange time for me and God. I can't quite explain it, but He feels distant. It is always hard to figure out what to do in those moments. What does this distance mean? Am I seeking Him? Or is this just a quiet season? Overall, it has been hard to do anything with confidence while feeling this distance. I have been so frustrated...which has caused me to feel confused. Not to mention I have felt a shift in my attitude. Honestly, it has completely sucked. While feeling all of this garbage...I can still say I have definitely had some encouraging words spoken to me. They have given me fresh insight and advice (PTL for good friends). Anyway, I am giving you all of this backstory to say...I do not understand the gospel and I do not have a grasp on God's love. This is completely embarrassing to say because I have been a Christian for years! I should know right? Probably. But I guess sometimes it takes months of being angry and years of trying to understand God to get to the point where you say, "I know nothing". I understand that I do know some things. I read my Bible, I pray, I have heard some good Tim Keller quotes (haha)...but deep down something is missing. Basically, I need to get back to the basics. Is this frustrating? Ummm, of course. Does it feel like it will be a crap ton of work? Yes. But this confusing time has taught me that life on my own sucks.
In order to understand God and what a spirit filled life looks like I have purchased and begun to read Jesus Continued by J.D. Greear. Wow, has this raised some good points and questions. In this book it prompts you to seek God by thinking about how He has worked in your past. It asks you to make a timeline of significant high and low experiences to see how God has worked in you. So that is exactly what I am going to do! Why in a public blog you ask? Well, because in my timeline you will notice that sharing my story is something God has continually used in my life. I love to hear stories. And if you know me... I like telling them.
Here are some defining moments of my life..
Growing up in a southern Baptist church (some of you know where this is going haha): This experience completely shaped my life. It was not all bad. I had friends at church, began to understand a sense of church family, and learned some basic Bible stories. But as I have grown up I have realized small things that shaped my mentally of God and His church. For example, why were men the only ones praying in front of the church, why was God addressed in such a lifeless way, why is this church so quiet and boring, why is there no growth in this church? Church always seemed like a chore. Every Sunday consisted of my parents getting me up so I could sit in a rock hard pew and try to stay awake. Where was the life? Where was the excitement? Where was the joy? Now I have these questions, but then I did not know they should be asked. So middle school and high school consisted of a goody-two shoes girl going through the motions trying to follow a set of legalistic rules, and for the most part it worked.
Going to college (again, I bet you are thinking..here we go!): And you are right, here we go. My freshman year of college was pretty dang awful. What got me through was my super sweet random roomie. She was a blessing and still continues to bless me today through her creativity. My freshman year was a combination of strep throat, mono, and being homesick. I wish that were all a joke haha I also did not have any friends. I did not know how to meet friends in this weird new world. Seemed like people just somehow meshed together bonding over parties and drinking...neither of which I enjoyed. But these party people had friends, so I decided to give in. I learned how a hang-over felt, what regret looked like in the morning, and how empty all of it was. On top of being sick I felt confused and sad. After finishing out my freshman year at ECU, I was looking to transfer schools. Problem was I had this super random major that only a few schools had in NC...ECU being one of them. So I decided to give it another shot and live off campus. I wish that was the turn around but I had another awful semester. I had random roomies who were interested in other hobbies so I decided to rush for a sorority. Well, that was definitely one of the most memorable and culture shocking experiences of my life. Long story short, it was expensive to have sorority girl friends. And would we even be friends? I do not know a brand name piece of clothing from a car engine part. I remember the night before bid day crying on the floor in my apartment while talking to my mom on the phone. I remember saying all I wanted was friends to go to a football game with. Anyway, I decided not to spend extra money on friends. Also, the fear of having to live in a house full of girls was a super scary thought. Towards the end of the semester a sweet girl in my major invited me to a bible study after we had been chatting at the bus stop.
InterVarsity (sports team?): After going to a bible study with the campus ministry InterVarsity, I decided to attend their fall retreat. I had literally met these people one time and I was signing up to spend a weekend with them at the beach. Risky? For me, yes. But at this point I figured I had nothing to lose. One of my most life changing events happened on that weekend. We split up into a few groups and were asked to share "our story". I am going to be honest I had no clue what that meant. Basically, it was a testimony, or who you were, or sharing something you were enduring or had overcome. When it was my turn to talk I was confused at what was coming out of my mouth. They were things I had always wanted to say but never had the chance to. Some of it seemed to be new to my brain. I remember feeling like I was floating after this time of sharing. The rest of weekend continued on with laughing, worship, and ridiculous dance parties. And not only did I go home from that weekend with new friends, I still have those friendships today.
Eating Disorder: I have written about this time and time again, but it is a huge part of my life and the reason I started this blog. The stress of college and of gaining a few pounds sent me to seek out dieting and exercise. What started out as a healthy plan soon spiraled into a deadly routine both mentally and physically. The worst of this phase lasted for about a year before I decided to tell anyone. This is not a highlight in my life but there were moments during this time where I knew God was caring for me. The most specific one was when I was returning home from class feeling overwhelmed and sad. I felt like I had too much to eat that day so I decided that I was going home to make myself puke. Throughout my struggle with food and weight I had not up until this point resorted to bulimic tendencies. When getting back to my apartment I shut my bathroom door and tried to make myself vomit. I couldn't do it. And I sat on the floor with my back to the wall and shouted out to God, "I can't do this anymore." I kept repeating it while weeping. After a few minutes I stopped crying. I knew things had to change. That was the first rational thought I had in months.
Declined: A lot happened my senior year of college including my decision to apply for InterVarsity staff. Wow, was that application and interview process insane. I was nervous about finding out the decision and was hoping it would be in my favor. The call came and it was a "no"...I was crushed. I remember sobbing at a Friday night church service and having a friend come up and sit beside me...she just held me and said nothing. It was unbelievably comforting and I hope I never forget that moment. That fall when I would have been doing all of the fun training and moving and cool staff things...I was stuck at the beach in the off season. I was so angry. But those fall and winter months proved to be a super restful and soul searching time. I spent countless hours with God and felt like I was being refreshed.
Chapel Hill: After spending one off season at the beach I decided that I could not do it again. An opportunity arose and I had a place to live in a new town that I would have never moved to without this exact setup haha Oh, Chapel Hill. I found a job after a few months and I hated it! My boss could tell that as well, and I was fired (FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING PEOPLE ha) I then spent another month looking for a job and found one in Apex, Raleigh. Yes, that is a 40 min commute one way. Chapel Hill pushed me to go out of my comfort zone. The second week I was there I found a small group to attend and was hooked from the start. What a weird group of people who would be (and still are) amazing friends. I traveled to new places, did strange things alone, and ventured out to see bands and participate in interesting UNC traditions. Through all of this I was falling back into old habits with eating and stress. When deciding to move back to the beach for summer I knew I had to get professional help to deal with the eating disorder residue. I had tried to recover on my own and it wasn't cutting it. With that said, I found an awesome counselor and nutritionist that have helped me in exponential ways!
Boyfriend: Yes, I have an awesome and loving boyfriend. I could write a book on the dumb things we do or the funny things that have happened. But overall, he is a total blessing. I have no clue how he puts up with my crazy moods or crying fits. Or how he knows what advice to give that makes life seem like a big ray of sunshine haha I never thought I would find such a creative, loving, kind, nerdy, and talented boy. Miracles do happen! (haha)
If you have made it this far congrats!!! But here is what I have gathered from writing and processing this. I get mad at God when things are not going my way. I throw fits and demand that things be fixed my way on my time. In my story you see that never quite happens...So I hope to do my best in trusting what God is doing. I know he has equipped me with certain talents, passions, viewpoints, and insight. And I hope to be more thankful instead of angry. I have experienced the strange world of college and moving to a new town. I have so many friends who I want to spend more time with (each of you, I mean it). And disappointments that have only made me stronger each time. Oh, and not to forget a boyfriend who loves me and whose kind words have been teaching me the truth about my worth. I guess God is up to something much bigger than I could ever imagine, and my job is to trust and obey. Now I'm trusting that God will show up again, just as He has in many moments of my life.
