Hello again,
I haven't written in over a year...but I'm back! And yes, there is a reason for the long hiatus. Big life changes cause big life processing (for me at least). Today marks an important day for me! September 4th was the day my husband asked me to marry him..and it is two years since we have been together. So, yay! Feels completely insane that a year is already upon us. And a whirlwind year it has been. I will do my best to recap.
The night of the proposal was a mix of emotions! I was happy, excited, and ready for anything. It was so fun to call and text friends with the exciting news! My favorite reaction was my mom who already knew. My parents left a day later for a trip to visit my sister in Asheville so they could be around for the big moment. The morning after the engagement my dad came in my room and looked at my ring and said, "when are you moving out?". He thinks he is hilarious. The first two days of engagement for me were a complete high. But after that things got a little messy in my brain.
After the excitement came fear, doubt, and confusion. The months of planning my wedding were really hard for me mentally. I only had four months to get it done (our choosing haha). And it felt like a hard task to complete with the stress and tension on top of it all. I couldn't sleep, was crying a lot, and kept asking God to please tell me what to do. I felt like I was too young to get married, that I was making a wrong decision, and I had overall fear of what this life change would bring. If you haven't gathered this info already, I overthink everything...and big decisions scare me so much. I want to know some of the outcome. I want to know what I am getting into...and life just does not work that way.
I have to say a huge thanks to my mom, sister, and friends who kept me going and listened to my fears and worries. I have amazing people in my life who continually spoke wisdom into my stressed and indecisive brain. I couldn't help but think to myself during this time that I was making a wrong decision because of the way I felt. Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't I be stoked on this upcoming life adventure? Shouldn't I be like all of the smiling girls on Facebook who just got engaged? Shouldn't this be one of the best moments of my life? I am learning now those thoughts of "what I should be doing and feeling" will eat you alive. During the moments I was feeling confused and scared my fiance was there by my side helping me process it all. I am blessed to have a husband who is able to speak light and rationality into my fears.
Finally the wedding day arrived! It was a calm and relaxing morning, which is how I hoped it would be. The day honestly felt like a blur. It also felt like I wasn't the girl getting married, but I was a girl who was watching the day unfold. I barely remember the big moments of listening to Pastor Scott preach on the stage or dancing with my dad. I was so nervous and overcritical that I had a hard time enjoying the little moments. I am a person who is always wanting others to be comfortable and happy. So of course I was thinking, "I wonder if people are having fun, I hope (my friend) has someone to hang out with, I hope the timeline is working out for everyone." My brain was on full wedding planner timeline instead of a bride enjoying her big day. After the traditional moments of the wedding I went upstairs to change into my party dress (naturally). While changing I started crying. I was completely overwhelmed and mad at myself for not enjoying every moment of the day. My husband comforted me saying I could either be upset for the moments in which I didn't feel present or that I could move forward and decide to enjoy the rest of the evening. Going with those wise words I chose the second option and danced for hours (the best part of wedding anyway right? haha). I knew my favorite part would be seeing and dancing with all of my crazy friends who had made time to be on that dance floor with me.
The honeymoon flew by and was actually a restful time for me! I definitely went through moments when I was scared out of my mind by the decision I had made. It was all so new, and different...and some of us do not handle different so well haha The same emotions were there as we were setting up an apartment, figuring out how each other lived...and cleaned haha. With those beginning months I became very sick. It seemed to be one thing after another..strep throat, mono, and then walking pneumonia. All of this brought on a decision to get my tonsils out! Such a good and painful experience haha But after months of sickness I finally got to feeling better. Within the past couple of months Brooke has had his turn being sick and was diagnosed two days ago with ulcerative colitis. It is an autoimmune disease which is treatable and not curable (unless healed by the Lord! and I am praying for that). With all of this news that is 2016 in nutshell for us.
Why did I tell you all of that back story that I am sure seemed semi-negative? Because no matter how I felt on my wedding day I would not trade a second for the way I feel when I look at Brooke. I can't imagine marrying anyone else. I want to make him happy and I want to see him healed. With all of the sickness in his life recently I would do anything to make him better, and that is love. Love is wanting the best for someone else over your own wants (not your needs). And trust me, I am a selfish person. Through all of this mess God is working and God is moving. There is no "should" with God. There is only an outcome and redemption. Those two do not always look the way you want them to. Did I have happy moments on my wedding journey? of course! But I was looking for a feeling to tell me what to do, and what was right. The human brain and heart do not work that way. God has blessed Brooke and I tremendously! And that is something I cannot forget.
So if you are getting married be nice to yourself. You are making a huge life change and decision. Take time to relax and process. And remember that your wedding day is not the rest of your life. The rest of your life will be looking at a person whom you love and makes you want to be a better person, even if it is just to love them better.
