searching for love.

Ahh I have been on such an up and down roller coaster with God lately.  It's frustrating because I hate feeling this way.  Recently I have just been feeling not worthy and like I am not the best candidate for an IV staff member.  This thought is brought on by comparing myself to others.  I know that feeling like I am not doing enough is stupid.  God doesn't love us based on how much we do for Him, he loves us no matter what.  This week during discipleship I mentioned how everything happens for a reason.  My friend and staff worker disagreed with me.  It was hard to hear him say that because I don't want to believe worldly views (and for him to not think I am capable of performing this job).  As the day went on I thought about what I had said, and honestly I do believe it.  I get caught up in the world and begin to relate what the world thinks to my own personal life.  One neat thing is that when we were spending alone time with God I looked over the river at all the dead trees.  It made me think about how ugly and full of sin the world is...but when I closed my eyes and centered myself in God's presence I felt at peace.  Feeling the breeze made me know that God was surrounding me.  Later on me and my friend remained sitting in the park and I looked at those same dead trees, but this time I saw one green tree among all of them.  I started to cry because I knew that God wants me to be a "green tree", or a light for people in this broken world.  Later on I confessed to my staff worker that I still do believe that things happen for a reason, and that sometimes it is because I deserve them.  He prayed with me outside and the wind started to pick up during his prayer.  I knew that it was the Lord.  I want to stop believing what the world does and acting how i'm "supposed" too.  I want to be so in touch with God and His spirit and will for me.  I'm asking for guidance and feeling His presence everyday.  I want to become so immersed in His love.  I want to know that I am loved no matter how much I mess up.  In my mind I know that God loves me so much..but my heart still doesn't fully get this.  I pray that he reveals Himself to me in a bold manner.

my hope in Jesus.

In The Good and Beautiful Community James talks about how we are a part of a story that inspires hope.  We have constant hope in Jesus because of what he did for us, and we are lucky enough to live our life through this story of hope.  The first part of the story of hope is death.  Jesus died on the cross, but we have died to our old way of life.  We have died to the things that used to control and make us "happy".  Our new life is found through Jesus and we are able to live by faith with Him.  The next is resurrection.  Jesus was physically raised from the dead.  We have the joy in accepting the same power that raised Jesus from the dead.  This allows us to live our new life knowing that we are a part of God's bigger story.  Ascension was Jesus ascending to heaven to reign.  We are called to set our hearts and minds on things above.  Jesus is calling us to focus on what is going to be eternal, not temporary.  Return is the last part that James discusses.  This obviously hasn't occurred yet, but we know that Christ will come again :)  As Christians we have hope that Jesus will return and heal all of our broken lives.  This story is so important to know because it is the Gospel.  I hope to really remember and cherish this story everyday.  It is a great tool to get us sharing our faith by including our own personal story in this form.

righteous roots.

This week was straight amazing.  The highlight was definitely Nathan asking me if I would be willing to give a talk at our InterVarsity chapter.  I am so nervous...but so honored and excited for this opportunity.  Anyway, it's spring break and I am blessed with the chance to catch up on some reading :)  Tonight I'm reading The Good and Beautiful Community by James Bryan Smith.  He is talking about a hopeful community by using the verse Colossians 1:3-6.  This verse allows us to see that hope is the origin of faith and love; our faith attaches to our hope in a great future through Christ.  Another beautiful point he makes is that hope is not just ours, it is to be shared and "binds us together and increases our love for one another".  Another writer mentions that the Christian community "has its roots in the future and its branches in the present".  I love this 1) because it is an analogy about trees--which I am obsessed with and 2) it is a clear picture of how the Christian life should look.  James also writes "hope is the bridge from the future into the present and the branches of that hope are faith and love".  This paints a picture of how intertwined our hope in God and His provisions carry out into our obedience and love for Him and others.  He states that we should be "genuinely and cheerfully rooted in God's renewal".  Ahh I love it when authors speak such truth.  What really helps me is to be able to process it by writing down the highlights.  I plan on trying to keep my hope rooted in Jesus so His light can shine through me to others.

stumbling through.

So I'm not quite sure what God has been trying to teach me this week..but I have read several things about living so others will not stumble.  Going through 1 Corinthians has provided some verses like...⁷ However, not all possess this knowledge. But some, through former association with idols, eat food as really offered to an idol, and their conscience, being weak, is defiled. ⁸ Food will not commend us to God. We are no worse off if we do not eat, and no better off if we do. ⁹ But take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak. ¹⁰ For if anyone sees you who have knowledge eating^[c] in an idol's temple, will he not be encouraged,^[d] if his conscience is weak, to eat food offered to idols?¹¹ And so by your knowledge this weak person is destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died. ¹² Thus, sinning against your brothers^[e] and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ. ¹³ Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble.  This passage is saying I may know that some actions I take part in do not affect my walk with Christ, but they could cause a younger brother to stumble.  This is such a wake up call because usually I just think about how my actions affect me..not that others are actually watching.  The last verse is so powerful because it says if food makes my brother stumble then I will NEVER eat meat.  This is so intense!  I want to be willing enough to give up something I do that affects others in a negative way.  I want to "conduct my life in such a way that I can be a shining example for those who have not yet found Christ".  I don't know what God is trying to help me fix..but through prayer I hope to listen to Him :)