searching for love.

Ahh I have been on such an up and down roller coaster with God lately.  It's frustrating because I hate feeling this way.  Recently I have just been feeling not worthy and like I am not the best candidate for an IV staff member.  This thought is brought on by comparing myself to others.  I know that feeling like I am not doing enough is stupid.  God doesn't love us based on how much we do for Him, he loves us no matter what.  This week during discipleship I mentioned how everything happens for a reason.  My friend and staff worker disagreed with me.  It was hard to hear him say that because I don't want to believe worldly views (and for him to not think I am capable of performing this job).  As the day went on I thought about what I had said, and honestly I do believe it.  I get caught up in the world and begin to relate what the world thinks to my own personal life.  One neat thing is that when we were spending alone time with God I looked over the river at all the dead trees.  It made me think about how ugly and full of sin the world is...but when I closed my eyes and centered myself in God's presence I felt at peace.  Feeling the breeze made me know that God was surrounding me.  Later on me and my friend remained sitting in the park and I looked at those same dead trees, but this time I saw one green tree among all of them.  I started to cry because I knew that God wants me to be a "green tree", or a light for people in this broken world.  Later on I confessed to my staff worker that I still do believe that things happen for a reason, and that sometimes it is because I deserve them.  He prayed with me outside and the wind started to pick up during his prayer.  I knew that it was the Lord.  I want to stop believing what the world does and acting how i'm "supposed" too.  I want to be so in touch with God and His spirit and will for me.  I'm asking for guidance and feeling His presence everyday.  I want to become so immersed in His love.  I want to know that I am loved no matter how much I mess up.  In my mind I know that God loves me so much..but my heart still doesn't fully get this.  I pray that he reveals Himself to me in a bold manner.