painful bliss?

Seriously my brain right now...haha  So I have been doing more thinking than usual lately (crazy I know).  I have been worrying about relationships, maybe not so much worrying as analyzing.  Analyzing meaning, what is my time line going to look like??  God is not reduced to a time line.  It isn't fair for me to ask Him to make one either.  I guess being a 22 year old single gal sometimes makes it hard..especially when friends on facebook are getting engaged every 5 seconds..exaggeration, I meant 10 seconds.  Anyway, my sister sent me a letter and said the most encouraging thing.  She said the day you accepted Christ into your life you formed the most important and loving relationship.  That was like a loving/fabulous slap in the face haha  Why had I never thought of it this way before??  How could I want anything more.  The fact that I have a relationship with God is amazing.  Really, the God of the universe takes time to show me love...even in the tiniest ways.  In other news--started reading Experiencing Healing Prayer by Rick Richardson.  Pretty good so far!!  Funny how I thought this book wasn't going to apply much to my life, but  instead be a good read.  I'm in chapter 2 and I'm already realizing that I need healing.  Suffering from an eating disorder is something that is in the back of my mind A LOT.  While I have overcome the disorder I don't think I have totally overcome that fact that I had one.  That I was able to hurt myself and the body that I have been blessed with.  I also still worry about what I eat...will that ever go away?  My identity is not wrapped up in trying to be perfect (pertaining to having the perfect body).  I know that my identity is in Christ...can anything be more freeing??  But why do I still feel like I can't let go.  I never want to forget that I had an eating disorder, because after all that suffering I came out so much stronger in my faith.  Plus, God can use that awful experience to talk to others going through the same trials.  But why then do I still feel like a part of me is left back with that struggle.  I feel like some of me is missing.  A beautiful thought from the book I'm reading says this, "Healing is primarily about the transformation of the person into a truer and more whole follower, worshiper and lover of God."  Healing is not primarily about escape or relief from pain...that said, will this pain go away??  I know that I have been transformed and love God more now, but will I always remember and feel that sense of pain?

overflowing.

What just happened??  One moment I am beating myself up for not listening to God, and the next he is presenting an opportunity for me to say yes to Him...and I do!  God is so good.  Even when I feel so far and confused he is always there loving me.  So, that said, I am attending a new church at the beach.  They are a few years old, and really trying to form a church based on the way God would have it.  Sometimes I just feel like it is more about the name of the church than God.  When in reality it shouldn't matter about a title...but only about how the church loves God and is serving people according to His will.  I am realizing that it is really okay to love the church you attend.  It is good to be excited for the people you see every week and the way you have seen your life change.  But the church didn't do that...God did.  He used the church as a tool to change your life...but it does not have saving powers.  Thanking God right now for teaching me this lesson!  Anyway, listening to God calling me to stand up in front a church of people I barely know, and pray, is a sign of His life changing power.  Thanks God--and I pray as Christians we would understand the role the church plays in our lives.

the end.

Sitting here on my couch in Greenville...wearing my filthy bathroom cleaning clothes (yes I have clothes dedicated just to this cause #kidding)  This trip to Greenville is way more emotionally charged than I expected.  I have been waiting for this trip the whole summer and it is finally here.  Spent the night painting my room and cleaning, or what seems to be ending my life as a ECU college student.  Didn't realize that walking into my apartment would bring on such a strong sense of the end...but I know that it is only the start to another great adventure with God.  So weird how everything feels the same but so different.  Like the fact that my favorite coffee shop (The Scullery) has new employees, that is so not allowed. haha  Praying that God will rest my heart through this whole experience.  Still amazing to me that in a college town filled with crazy parties and violence lead me closer to the Lord.  God works in such mysterious/beautiful ways.  Thanks God for the memories, friends, and this incredible life you have blessed me with.

passion.

What a wonderful God we have!  I feel a little overwhelmed right now...like I have 1,000 things to change in my life.  I am just craving something so different from this life.  I know it is God calling me and tugging on my heart.  I pray that He sends a little clarity my way...but for now I'm smiling knowing that He is speaking to me.  Right now I'm reading the book True Story.  So good--true story #supercheez haha  It is presenting the gospel in a way that is truly life changing!  Jesus wants so much more for us in this life.  He didn't come just to save us...but so we could be transformed through him to love and change this world.  I hope that God continues to give me this passion to change this broken world.  I want it to be so different...for people to see God's love and mercy.  I don't know what God is calling me to do...just trying to sit back and listen :D

reverse.

God is teaching me so much.  Imagine that? haha  So last night may have been one of the craziest encounters with God I've had in awhile.  Basically, I am being called to step back from so many guy friendships.  It just seems so easy for me to relate and have guy friends.  But in reality, being friends with the opposite sex is a challenge.  Not that I will have no guy friends...but I need to check my heart and intentions with those friends.  God has used so many great christian guys to influence my life and walk with Him.  I just feel like I am throwing my heart all over the place, and mixing up emotions.  Anyway, after having that intense conversation, God pointed out some areas in my life that need changing.  One being...watch what image you are trying to portray (pics on fb??).  I pray for more guidance from God and more amazing encounters.  Psalm 23 :)  God always gets me with that!