wrecked.

When I thought God would wreck my heart at Urbana--did I truly believe He would??  I mean wreck in the most wonderful way. haha  It is only the second full day at this conference and I have felt the Lord constantly.  It is so amazing to be in a stadium with 18,000 people praising our great God!  It makes me so excited for when I will get to worship Him in heaven one day.  I have to say thanks to God for bringing me here.  For showing me that He loves us to the extent that He is willing to use us to bless and heal this world.  Through His power we are invited to love.  I am having a bit of a difficult time because my heart is all over the place.  I am the type of person who hears an idea or "call" and has to begin doing it immediately!  Obviously, this cannot happen.  I feel like a part of the reason this isn't the case is because the Lord wants us to rely on Him.  Having patience teaches us to come and rest in the Lord and pray before being sent out.  This conference is totally mission based--and it is so awesome to see people ready to jump into a new culture and serve Jesus.  As of now, that is not my calling.  This does not sadden me at all.  I love being a part of the process where I get to pray and see others sent out.  It is beautiful to watch people say "yes" to giving their whole life to the Lord.  Even when I don't feel like the Lord is asking me to pack my bags and learn a new language, I know His work is still being done.  I can smile with the joy of others being sent to broken places all over the world.  I have a passion to love the Lord.  My passion is to glorify Him.  I'm not sure of the one thing I "do" best or my calling--but I think the best thing I can do is love the Lord with my whole heart.

Jesus replied to Simon, "Don't be afraid! From now on you'll be fishing for people!"  And as soon as they landed, they left everything and followed Jesus. --Luke 5:10-11

thriving.

To say the least this past week has been a little tough.  I still feel the joy of the Lord but it comes in waves.  I know the Lord is always with me--but there are moments when I don't recognize His presence.  I think I am beginning to become comfortable...which I am not okay with.  This means I am not taking risks for the kingdom.  I hate the feeling of not doing enough--but in those moments I have to remember there is nothing more or less I can do to make the Lord change His feeling of love towards me.  This is the most comforting thing I could ever know and receive.  The hard part is remembering and believing it.  It seems as if I have gotten lost in the mundane tasks of life.  I feel like sometimes at my job the shift is exactly the same as the day before....This is when I realize and crave more.  I am so thankful for God's perfect timing.  Urbana is in like 2 days (thank gosh).  I am ready to be refreshed and called by the Lord!  I am praying going into this conference because I know it is going to consist of some reconstruction in my heart.  This won't be easy but I am ready.  I am ready to serve my awesome God.

"I wanna thrive not just survive."--switchfoot

an intro of my adventure.

I have hope.  I have an incredible amount of hope and faith in my Lord.  Over the past 4 years the Lord has been doing some amazing work in my heart and life.  My journey of falling in love with Jesus began while I was in college.  Who would have ever thought I would establish a relationship with Him while in college?  Much less at East Carolina University (you guys know the rep haha)  While things haven’t always been smooth sailng—I know that God is good.  During my time at ECU I had to let go of many idols.  These included placing my identity in my grades, life plan, and self-image.  For about a year and half I struggled with an eating disorder.  This was a result of me hating the body the Lord blessed me with, and then running to sin.  I was starving myself of food, relationships, and placing my identity in the Lord.  Experiencing this was one of the darkest moments of my life.  So much shame and embarrassment were an outcome of what I was doing to myself.  The Lord has saved me.  He has saved me from an eating disorder, He has saved me from the standards of the world, He has saved and restored my life.  I cannot hide my love for the Lord.  I am thrilled I can live in His light.  I am sorry for the way that I may have misrepresented Jesus.  I am not perfect, I still struggle with my self-image…but I find hope in the thought that this is not my home.  We are not called to be perfect, but to glorify the Lord.  He loves us so much.

a breath.

Finished an awesome book today--Wild, by Cheryl Strayed.  It is about a girl who lost her mother and pretty much gave up on life.  She stumbled upon a book on the Pacific Crest Trail and decided that she would hike it...alone.  She hiked 1,100 miles of it!  Anyway, the book is about her journey of learning how to deal with her mothers death and accepting the way life happens.  I thought it was beautifully written and expressed how we as humans try to process every bit of our lives--and it related to our constant obsession with figuring out the future.  I found this book super inspirational.  That a person would sell everything they had and begin a hike all alone with no experience.  There is a very freeing feeling about the decision to do something so huge.  I think I am getting to the point in life where I am experiencing the urge and excited feeling for my future.  I am really not sure what God is going to call me to do--but I know these last couple of months have been preparing me for the push..or jump?  I can only pray that I will say yes in the faith and courage that I have in the Lord.  I pray for an adventure that will build my confidence in the Lord, and my confidence that He will actually use me to serve Him.

"Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.  Remind me that my days are numbered--how fleeting my life is.  You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.  My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath."  Psalm 39:4-5

#beeproblems

A bee.  A bee was used today to show me a little bit of the Lord's heart.  While getting into my car a bee flew in causing me to leap out and release a shriek.  It was a terrifying experience.  I then spent twenty minutes waiting, praying, calling my mom for guidance, and staring at this little bee...hoping it would leave.  While watching it continuously fly into the glass and sit on the side window (while I had the doors wide open as an escape)--I couldn't help but think "come on bee! stop being so stupid".  Then I realized this is what we do.  The Lord is watching us constantly mess up and run into the glass (sin) consistently.  When there is an open door to except His invitation right in front of us; we don't see it, we think we know better, or it seems easier to try and figure things out on our own.  Unlike this bee, I want to run towards the light.  I know that the Lord has an open door for me.  I just need to accept His love and believe that He is able to use me.  I waited for 20 minutes for this bee to fly away.  This felt like forever to me---I wonder how the Lord feels waiting years for his children to look towards Him and say "yes"?

one step.

It is finally December 1st.  I thought this day would NEVER come.  November is usually my favorite month--but this November was a little different.  It seemed both unremarkable and remarkable...So many things that I never expected to happen, happened.  This guy that I like said we needed to take some time a part (2 months) to focus on God.  I just start to like him more and now I can't talk to him.  God has used so many people to speak into my life and motivate me.  I'm learning to accept compliments---which is hard.  My sister left for California last Monday and I am left without a roomie.  I realized the day after she left that sometimes it is better to have the person in your life and deal with their annoying qualities, instead of not having them at all.  Kind of makes me think about God.  We are so broken, messed up, and could annoy Him with how we constantly say no and run to sin; but yet, He still wants us to have a relationship with Him.  He still loves us.

Today I had my first yard sale, it was a success!  All of this money is going to bless an amazing person in my life.  I am overjoyed with this whole experiment because I finally followed through with one of my ideas/plans.  So many times I have big dreams and ideas and do not act.  What is love without action?  I sent out a FaceBook message in October asking people to donate and think about giving items up for the Kingdom.  We have SO much excess.  I believe and know it is Biblical that one of the ways to be content in Christ is to live a simple lifestyle.  This was an experiment in the practice of giving for others--and looking at what we have and saying I can be content with less.  After all, the love of Christ is something to treasure.  My heart went through some transformation with this whole event--and the Lord has brought to my attention some of the blessings He has provided.  I had two new friends that helped me sort clothing and came today to help attend the sale for over two hours.  It is amazing to know that I have people who care for me.  Who would give up their time to help raise money for someone they don't even know.  Overall, it felt nice to say yes to God and let Him do His work.  I plan to say yes to God more this month.  For I am weak--but His spirit is strong in me.  I have failed God a million times.  But He never gives up on me.