I am completely obsessed with my future. Everyday I am wondering, thinking, and praying about where I should be...or what I should be doing. I always feel like I should be doing more or something better, this is so far from the truth. My heart has been all over the place. It is crazy how you think you are incredibly passionate about things but doors are not opened for those passions to be played out. I know I still have a heart for college students--it was during those years that Jesus swept me up with His overwhelming love. I have a heart for college students who feel broken down, not accepted, and doing anything and everything to receive love. How they try to find their worth and identity in relationships, knowledge, and the pursuit of success. I have been in all of those categories. I understand what it feels like to go to college and have all of these roads before me. I also know what it is like to experience the love and grace of Christ during my college years. I want to love college students and I want to see them know Jesus. The thing that confuses me is how the Lord will use me to do this....obviously, it is not the way I planned.
I must wait patiently on the Lord to reveal His plan to me. The past couple of weeks the same psalm has been brought up in my life. Verse 14 in psalm 27 has particularly struck me.."Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." Patience, ughhhh. Isn't a year of waiting on the Lord to reveal my calling enough? I feel like our society struggles so much with patience. We think that we deserve and must know everything instantly. Any information you need to know you can punch into your computer or smart phone and have the answer immediately. Who needs to toast a poptart when you can toss it into the microwave for ten seconds?? We feel the same way about answers from God. I know in my heart that everything in my life has happened according to plan. God has taught me beautiful lessons according to His timing...now to remember that everyday. Like David I need to seek the Lord for answers and guidance. David did not make hasty decisions--he asked the Lord for direction (1 Sam. 23:2).
Being able to travel a few places over the past couple of months has been eye opening for me. Every time I have come back rejuvenated and excited. The last few days I spent in California...what a different world. It was awesome to be able to experience and new place and see more of God's beautiful creation. But it was hard to see how many people there are obsessed with image and success. I felt like I could feel the stress and importance of self worship. It literally made me want to come home and get rid of clothes and items that I find personal worth in. I will do that, but something I just realized is that I am putting that much worship and worth in knowing my future. On the plane ride home my heart was excited to return to my little beach. It is not fashionable, but it is beautiful. It is home to amazing people who I consider family. I have no idea where I will be in the future...can knowing that I have the love of Jesus wherever I am be enough? I pray that I will wait patiently on the Lord, while enjoying this phase of life.
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