expectations.

  So by now I'm sure everyone I know probably thinks I'm a little crazy.  If you have talked to me in the past month you know my situation of struggling with my calling and purpose.  And here we are again...but there is new light in the dilemma.  The wonderful thing about friends and community is that they are able to help you see the problem from another perspective.  A friend recently asked me would Jesus be enough even if I was never sent out on an exact mission?  My type A heart cringed.  She was not saying that God wouldn't use me in the mission of everyday life...but what if I never had an exact mission in the form of a title or job description.  As much as it hurts to say this...I finally realized that a call has become an idol to me.  Funny (or ironic) how even something good can snatch your eyes away from what really matters.  

  My expectation of having an exact purpose and job has stolen my joy.  I have been thinking about expectations a lot lately...I feel like I constantly have expectations of the way my life is supposed to play out.  If I am hanging out with a friend or attending a church service I create in my head how conversations or services will go.  This is so frustrating to me.  My expectations never live up to what actually happens in life.  Sometimes they are better...and most of the time they are something I couldn't have even imagined.  That is that problem though, why do I always try to plan out my future?  Why do I sit around and come up with scenarios, that will most likely never happen.  It definitely points back to my problem with control.

   No one will ever live up to all of my expectations...not even Jesus.  He will exceed them.  While reading Psalm 73 this week it was brought to my attention that finding my purpose or role in this world has become an idol.  This Psalm talks about how we look at people and envy their lives...how come they are perfect, they are worshiping worldly idols but their lives seem flawless.  Verses 13-14, "Did I keep my heart pure for nothing?  Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?  I get nothing but trouble all day long; every morning brings me pain."  I literally felt like I was asking those questions...God I have done everything I can think of, why have you not provided what I want?  This is a bad place to be.  Verses 21-22, "Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.  I was so foolish and ignorant-I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you."  I have become bitter by so desperately needing an answer from God...even though it is not a bad to thing to think that I am designed for more, that I was redeemed for a reason, that God has an exciting mission for me...it has without a doubt clouded my vision from seeing a loving God.  Verses 23-25, "Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  I desire you more than anything on earth."  And here starts my journey to desire the Lord more than anything on earth...

  How awesome it is to know that through my crazy control problems I am still loved by the Lord.  I am not hating on type A people...God designed them for a reason (we get the job done..and on time! ha).  We are the hands and feet of the Lord on this earth right?  But a good thing has turned into an obsession...pretty much a trend in my life.  After reading some scripture the other night I literally had to stop myself from making a to-do list of summer goals.  This is me trying to let go, trying to expect less by expecting God to step in and do so much more.  I am learning to love and live without an agenda (this literally terrifies me).  Psalm 73 verse 28, "But as for me, how good it is to be near God!  I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do."  It sure is hard to tell a person about something you love if you haven't fully experienced the joy of it.  I am learning to love the Lord with all of my heart.  This phase is crucial for any Christian.  

  In my mind this adventure is like the beginning of summer when you stand on the dunes of the beach and see the ocean in the distance.  During the winter I would ride on the beach road with my windows rolled down and the heat blasting just so I could smell the salt air.  In those moments you cannot wait until the time you will be able to swim in the ocean.  You wait for the day it is warm enough to stand on the dunes and know that you can jump in.  I like to think that fulfilling my calling and seeing the full glory of God in heaven will be like that.  The anticipation may be hard...but it is worth it.  The smell of the salt air keeps you going.  The fact that summer is nearing brings hope to your ocean starved body.  The hope that I will see Jesus in heaven keeps me going.  His promises are good.  They will never be what I expect.  For my small human heart does not even dream that big.  Here is to the journey...to the adventure of falling even more in love with Jesus. 

"adventure in theory is full of excitement and bleeds with passion for life-but adventure in reality is full of breathless moments, silent nights, and wounds that leave scars and memories on a heart." -- melissa helser 

Even an adventure is tough...in those moments I must remember that "God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:26

broken people.

   And the Lord speaks.  Life over the past few weeks has been very exciting.  I have been blessed with the opportunity to attend events such as graduation and a wedding.  Basically, occasions that represent an accomplishment and an invitation to something new and unknown.  It is amazing to see how the Lord has provided for my friends, and where He is leading them in their next step of life.  With that said, I still feel like I am just sitting in this huge "pool" of unknown.  When I look around I do not see any sides to the pool...just endless water.  Exciting?  More like exhausting.  Which way do I wade?
   So, tonight I'm at church and I am praying for the Lord to speak directly to me using scripture or a person.  I have done this before and the Lord has spoken.  I do not always do this...and sometimes I feel needy when I'm asking the Lord for this type of specific answer.  But as His child I love to come to Him for guidance.  I asked Him to speak a specific chapter of scripture as an answer to a question.  The cool thing was He answered...but not with the scripture I prayed about.  Wow, God answering me His way instead of in my own fashion? (sarcasm)  A girl handed me a piece of paper with Psalm 91:11-12 written on it, "For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go.  They will hold you up with their hands so you won't even hurt your foot on a stone."  The Lord speaks and He provides rest to my weary heart.  This Psalm has been brought to my attention a few times over the last few months...either in sermons or by friends.  It is neat that we can read something and think we understand it all, but God knows when a lesson hasn't yet been learned.  It delivers peace to my heart to know the Lord is with me wherever I go.  Not that I know where I am going...but I'm beginning to learn a little about freedom in the Lord.
  I think the thing that scares me the most about identifying a calling or plan for my life is that my selfish heart could be making the shots.  Or maybe, one day I will wake up and hate where I chose to live or work.  This is why I want a specific call from God, because with everything else I am so fickle.  The last thing I want to do is to make a rash decision about where the Lord is leading me.  It is comforting to know that the Lord will always be there to rescue me--Psalm 91:14-16.
   I feel like I learn the same lesson a million times.  This points to how I turn from God and try to come up with my own solutions to problems.  I am learning that it is never a bad thing to continuously seek guidance and encouragement from the Lord.  He did create me.  He loves me unconditionally.  He likes to hear from me....and to personally speak to me.  I pray to live a life that glorifies Him.

"I do not know why I would go
In front of you and hide my soul
Cause you're the only one who knows it,
Yeah you're the only one who knows it"  --Twenty One Pilots

Those lyrics have been in my head all week.  Only the Lord knows me best.  He has created me with unique gifts that I have the privilege to use in service to Him.  Maybe the when and where are not the biggest questions?  I'm thanking God that He has created me to thrive in some part of this broken world.  Thriving off of His love and guidance and not worldly passions...but being sent into a place where I can "fan into flames the spiritual gift" God has given me (2 Tim. 1:6-7). 

and grace set me free.

  I need to be reminded of the gospel today...well not just today, but everyday.  Something I fail to do is preach this lovely message to myself daily.  The past week has been completely insane and hectic.  Summer is just around the corner and my schedule is filled with helping friends move, attending exciting events, and assisting my parents with the cleaning process in hopes to sell our house and move.            Today was yard sale day.  It has been exhausting carrying items up and down stairs and making the final decision of whether to sell the red stuffed animal dog or not.  But the feeling of getting rid of all the "junk" is a freeing one.  Even though putting on a yard sale and moving is hard work, it's worth it.  The breath you take in your new house is refreshing and long awaited.  Accepting Jesus into your life and continuously following him to get rid of the junk that suffocates you is worth it.  Sometimes it seems like hard work to believe the gospel, but it is always that breath of fresh air at the end of a job well done.  Except it doesn't matter if you did the job well....the message of the gospel is always the same.  

  Many people believe that being a Christian means following a long list of rules.  I didn't murder anyone today...so where is my gold star??  It is not about following a list a rules.  It is about loving and serving an amazing God.  Like in any relationship you want to supply love and care to the other person.  I do not do good things because God will smite me if I don't...I do them out of love for Him.  He loves to see his children respond to His kindness by loving others.  Serving God brings joy to my heart.  If it doesn't I am performing actions and deeds for some form of personal praise or other gain.  Looking at the gospel from a view of do's and don'ts will never bring about its full meaning.  The world is full of do's and don'ts...Jesus brought us freedom.  Freedom from the weight of sin.  And he invites us to live in his light daily.  

  Some people also wonder why the bible is filled with stories of people who constantly turn to sin, murder, cheat, lie, and the list continues.  Well, in reality that is what we all do.  Our hearts trick us into wanting to run to worldly fixes and addictions.  It is much easier for me to just give in instead of turning to God.  But giving in always leaves me feeling empty.  Remembering that Jesus was sent to save me and give me life even when I make mistakes is freeing.  So, I am happy the bible tells stories about people who messed up.  I mess up.  Those life stories point to the love and redemption that God offers. It shows us that we can not do it alone...and that life isn't all about us.  One of my favorite pictures the bible paints is in the story of David.  He is called a man after God's own heart..but he still made many mistakes.  He tried to make his own plan to become king...but it failed, and yet he is still called a man after God's heart.  That is exhilarating to me because I try to make my own plans to fulfill what I think God has called me to do.  Even though I am human and make errors I am still loved and invited into life and mission with Jesus.  My evil heart is restored and shaped to be more like His...not by my own doing, but through Jesus.  The bible is encouraging because it proves that God's plan will reign, and that He will use broken people to carry it out.

  Just like the process of moving, selling, and painting to create a beautiful home to enjoy...I feel like remembering and living the gospel can be compared.  I feel like I am constantly being shaped and changed by God everyday.  I have to move things out of my life that are not healthy and pure.  Sometimes a new paint job is needed to hide my flaws from the world (this is NOT a part of the gospel but something I tend to do).  And I move to follow God's call for my life.  This entire process is hard work...but looking forward to a beautiful home in heaven makes it worth it.  And this work here on earth is preparing me for the joy of praising God for eternity.  Overall,  I am learning that the gospel is growing deeper into the love of God, accepting the healing He offers, seeing His redemption, and telling others of this glorious love and mission.  While the process may seem strenuous the grace and provision of God are not.  The gospel does not call us to work hard in order to get results..but I think the hard work is learning to accept that.  I cannot work to make God love me more...oh what wonderful news.