expectations.

  So by now I'm sure everyone I know probably thinks I'm a little crazy.  If you have talked to me in the past month you know my situation of struggling with my calling and purpose.  And here we are again...but there is new light in the dilemma.  The wonderful thing about friends and community is that they are able to help you see the problem from another perspective.  A friend recently asked me would Jesus be enough even if I was never sent out on an exact mission?  My type A heart cringed.  She was not saying that God wouldn't use me in the mission of everyday life...but what if I never had an exact mission in the form of a title or job description.  As much as it hurts to say this...I finally realized that a call has become an idol to me.  Funny (or ironic) how even something good can snatch your eyes away from what really matters.  

  My expectation of having an exact purpose and job has stolen my joy.  I have been thinking about expectations a lot lately...I feel like I constantly have expectations of the way my life is supposed to play out.  If I am hanging out with a friend or attending a church service I create in my head how conversations or services will go.  This is so frustrating to me.  My expectations never live up to what actually happens in life.  Sometimes they are better...and most of the time they are something I couldn't have even imagined.  That is that problem though, why do I always try to plan out my future?  Why do I sit around and come up with scenarios, that will most likely never happen.  It definitely points back to my problem with control.

   No one will ever live up to all of my expectations...not even Jesus.  He will exceed them.  While reading Psalm 73 this week it was brought to my attention that finding my purpose or role in this world has become an idol.  This Psalm talks about how we look at people and envy their lives...how come they are perfect, they are worshiping worldly idols but their lives seem flawless.  Verses 13-14, "Did I keep my heart pure for nothing?  Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?  I get nothing but trouble all day long; every morning brings me pain."  I literally felt like I was asking those questions...God I have done everything I can think of, why have you not provided what I want?  This is a bad place to be.  Verses 21-22, "Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.  I was so foolish and ignorant-I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you."  I have become bitter by so desperately needing an answer from God...even though it is not a bad to thing to think that I am designed for more, that I was redeemed for a reason, that God has an exciting mission for me...it has without a doubt clouded my vision from seeing a loving God.  Verses 23-25, "Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  I desire you more than anything on earth."  And here starts my journey to desire the Lord more than anything on earth...

  How awesome it is to know that through my crazy control problems I am still loved by the Lord.  I am not hating on type A people...God designed them for a reason (we get the job done..and on time! ha).  We are the hands and feet of the Lord on this earth right?  But a good thing has turned into an obsession...pretty much a trend in my life.  After reading some scripture the other night I literally had to stop myself from making a to-do list of summer goals.  This is me trying to let go, trying to expect less by expecting God to step in and do so much more.  I am learning to love and live without an agenda (this literally terrifies me).  Psalm 73 verse 28, "But as for me, how good it is to be near God!  I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do."  It sure is hard to tell a person about something you love if you haven't fully experienced the joy of it.  I am learning to love the Lord with all of my heart.  This phase is crucial for any Christian.  

  In my mind this adventure is like the beginning of summer when you stand on the dunes of the beach and see the ocean in the distance.  During the winter I would ride on the beach road with my windows rolled down and the heat blasting just so I could smell the salt air.  In those moments you cannot wait until the time you will be able to swim in the ocean.  You wait for the day it is warm enough to stand on the dunes and know that you can jump in.  I like to think that fulfilling my calling and seeing the full glory of God in heaven will be like that.  The anticipation may be hard...but it is worth it.  The smell of the salt air keeps you going.  The fact that summer is nearing brings hope to your ocean starved body.  The hope that I will see Jesus in heaven keeps me going.  His promises are good.  They will never be what I expect.  For my small human heart does not even dream that big.  Here is to the journey...to the adventure of falling even more in love with Jesus. 

"adventure in theory is full of excitement and bleeds with passion for life-but adventure in reality is full of breathless moments, silent nights, and wounds that leave scars and memories on a heart." -- melissa helser 

Even an adventure is tough...in those moments I must remember that "God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:26