Tonight I am reflecting on this past year. Why? Because tomorrow I turn twenty-three. Looking back at twenty-two, it has sure been one crazy year. I've told several people this year seemed to be one of "No's". A word that most of us do not like to hear. It has been one that consisted of many days that it was hard to smile, nights where all I could do was cry, but yet one that has forced me to really figure out what I believe in...and where I find hope.
It seemed that every plan I had devised or dreamed of was just out of reach. I began to come up with back up plans...thinking they would suffice. I am so thankful that the Lord spoke to me in the moments I was trying to create those escape plans. So many things I lost control of. It seemed that left and right I was being told that I could not have the "desires" of my heart. Truth is, I don't even know the true desires of my heart. The Lord who created me does.
With all of that said, this year has lead me to a place where I am completely ecstatic. While reading the story about Elijah in 1 Kings 17:1-9, I could relate with how he was being broken down to rely on the Lord. God was teaching him the lesson of complete dependence...Elijah even had to rely on the Lord to provide his food and water, his most basic necessities. I feel like I am still being pruned to shed the things that steal my eyes from God. While this is painful and hard, it is also exciting. How wonderful it is to know the Lord loves me so much that He wants me to enjoy His presence more than anything. He is helping me to fall even more in love with Him by clearing idols in my life...and He is continuously calling me to the life of freedom He offers.
So, the journey of learning to relax and rest in the Lord has been going well. I have not made a list of goals in over three weeks! It has been nice to see God work in the everyday aspects of my life...and to enjoy the surprises He blesses me with. An example would be seeing how He has used my time in Greenville and the Outer Banks to preach the gospel to my heart. They are two locations that I never necessarily would have seen myself living...especially not loving. He took two places that I saw in my mind as extra broken, full of sin, and even gross, and showed me beauty. That is us as humans. We are broken and sinful...and God can still create a beautiful story out of us. I fell in love with Jesus in a dirty college town, and I am learning to find my hope and worth in a town where so many are hopeless. God uses dirty sinful people to glorify Him. How loving He is. From a place I never wanted to be, I can now smile and say that I am not only happy, not only blessed, but filled with the love and joy of the Lord.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
to give it all.
It's summertime! I guess I'm ready for all of the craziness the tourists will bring...not so much the traffic though haha It is odd that the Lord is teaching me the lesson of relaxation at a time such as this. Maybe that is the point, to find rest in the Lord in the busyness of life. If I can do it during a hectic summer I will be set for life...hopefully. I feel so strange telling people that I am learning the lesson of relaxation but suffering through it haha They are probably thinking, "wow, relaxing sounds SO hard." And yes, yes it is. My whole life i've been powering through trying to accomplish something, or become a better version of myself. This has left me pretty exhausted. My heart is being pruned to understand what freedom in Jesus means...and even more so to rest in the message he preached.
So last week I had a good car cry (crying in the car while driving). If you have experienced this...own it! If you have never given it a shot, could be freeing haha Anyway, while crying the car all I could think is "I'm trying so hard and things are still a mess." That's it though....I'M trying so hard. I felt like God was telling me that He never asked me to try so hard. I have been placing myself under false standards and hopes that will never be fulfilling. Now I'm asking myself, what are my heart motives for trying so hard??
I started taking a discipleship class at my church based on the book The Prodigal God by Tim Keller. The book is written in response to the parable of the lost son (Luke 15:11-31). When I was first told about the class I wondered what more could I really learn from this well-known parable. Usually at the mention of Luke 15 I automatically zone out or prepare myself mentally for the same message and points. Cool thing about God is that He is absolutely endless. His knowledge and depth of His word will always outweigh my mental capacity and understanding. With that said, I have learned some new things from the parable of the lost son. The main one being how icky my heart really is. Tim Keller is pointing out how this parable is really about two lost sons. The younger one who was lost as he left home on the journey of self discovery and to live in obvious sin. And the elder brother who stayed at home and obeyed all the rules and moral codes of conduct that made up "right" living. The reality is they were both lost. One son had wandered away from God, and the other was so focused and wrapped up in rules that He had lost sight of the Lord. The book says, "There are two ways to be your own Savior and Lord. One is by breaking all the moral laws and setting your own course, and one is by keeping all the moral laws and being very, very good." From this Keller defines sin not just as breaking the rules...but as putting ourselves in the place of God as Savior, Lord, and Judge. What a wake up call. As much as I hate to admit it....I lean more towards the heart of the elder brother. The fact that I'm asking God how come all of my efforts are still contributing to a mess means that I haven't fully grasped the freedom of the gospel.
This realization has been both freeing and frustrating. Frustrating because all I seem to know how to do is work and change to get things done. My obsession with control has led me to want the life plan I think God should offer to me...but not what is most glorifying to Him. Even to my broken and icky heart God provides something so much different. As Keller states it, "The gospel is distinct from both approaches: In its view, everyone is wrong, everyone is loved, and everyone is called to recognize this and change." Change in the gospel sense is not exhausting. It doesn't lead to endless hours of planning or stress...but it is turning towards Jesus and letting him kindly guide you. It happens over time in the moments of life, and it is based on the hope of what we will one day be when in heaven with God.
So here I am...two weeks later after having made my initial stance of letting God take control. It has not been easy, but I will admit that it has been unpredictable and fun. The Lord is speaking to my heart....now I must listen.
"Our final concern is not career or ministry or reputation but whether through the course of our lives we grow in the saving grace of Christ, living and working in such a way that others might know him." -- Gordon T. Smith
So last week I had a good car cry (crying in the car while driving). If you have experienced this...own it! If you have never given it a shot, could be freeing haha Anyway, while crying the car all I could think is "I'm trying so hard and things are still a mess." That's it though....I'M trying so hard. I felt like God was telling me that He never asked me to try so hard. I have been placing myself under false standards and hopes that will never be fulfilling. Now I'm asking myself, what are my heart motives for trying so hard??
I started taking a discipleship class at my church based on the book The Prodigal God by Tim Keller. The book is written in response to the parable of the lost son (Luke 15:11-31). When I was first told about the class I wondered what more could I really learn from this well-known parable. Usually at the mention of Luke 15 I automatically zone out or prepare myself mentally for the same message and points. Cool thing about God is that He is absolutely endless. His knowledge and depth of His word will always outweigh my mental capacity and understanding. With that said, I have learned some new things from the parable of the lost son. The main one being how icky my heart really is. Tim Keller is pointing out how this parable is really about two lost sons. The younger one who was lost as he left home on the journey of self discovery and to live in obvious sin. And the elder brother who stayed at home and obeyed all the rules and moral codes of conduct that made up "right" living. The reality is they were both lost. One son had wandered away from God, and the other was so focused and wrapped up in rules that He had lost sight of the Lord. The book says, "There are two ways to be your own Savior and Lord. One is by breaking all the moral laws and setting your own course, and one is by keeping all the moral laws and being very, very good." From this Keller defines sin not just as breaking the rules...but as putting ourselves in the place of God as Savior, Lord, and Judge. What a wake up call. As much as I hate to admit it....I lean more towards the heart of the elder brother. The fact that I'm asking God how come all of my efforts are still contributing to a mess means that I haven't fully grasped the freedom of the gospel.
This realization has been both freeing and frustrating. Frustrating because all I seem to know how to do is work and change to get things done. My obsession with control has led me to want the life plan I think God should offer to me...but not what is most glorifying to Him. Even to my broken and icky heart God provides something so much different. As Keller states it, "The gospel is distinct from both approaches: In its view, everyone is wrong, everyone is loved, and everyone is called to recognize this and change." Change in the gospel sense is not exhausting. It doesn't lead to endless hours of planning or stress...but it is turning towards Jesus and letting him kindly guide you. It happens over time in the moments of life, and it is based on the hope of what we will one day be when in heaven with God.
So here I am...two weeks later after having made my initial stance of letting God take control. It has not been easy, but I will admit that it has been unpredictable and fun. The Lord is speaking to my heart....now I must listen.
"Our final concern is not career or ministry or reputation but whether through the course of our lives we grow in the saving grace of Christ, living and working in such a way that others might know him." -- Gordon T. Smith
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