Hey, it's 2014!!! I absolutely cannot believe it. I will be twenty four this year, which brings me excitement and a whole new rush of worries. I have a lot of hope for this new year. There really is something magical and exhilarating about New Year's Eve and waiting for the moment it strikes midnight. When you can breathe and say, "last year is behind me". Sometimes that feeling may be bittersweet, for me this year it was mostly sweet. Yes, 2013 was a hard year. It was what I called my year of no's. But 2013 also proved to be one where I persevered. I learned that I could lean into the Lord for strength...which was something I had never fully done. It challenged my relationship with Him, there were times I prayed and said "God, I am mad at you." Even though it was hard and there were moments I would have rather just given up, I saw the blessings of the Lord. He blessed me with adventure and new friendships. Friendships I would not give up for the world. I am still learning a ton about the character of God...and 2013 taught me He is there no matter what happens. Even when you say to His face that you are angry.
I decided to start this year with a social media fast, which was confirmed by God. I felt it would be a good way to seek Him. I needed something fresh for this new year, a new perspective and love for God. I first started with a music fast for a week. This is literally something I thought I could never do. I feel like music helps keep me alive (dramatic, but true). I listen to it pretty much 24/7; while I get ready, in the car, while I'm at work, and every moment I'm in my room. While I strongly know and believe it is a blessing from God...I tend to use it as a way to numb my mind or escape processing my thoughts. I would feel the urge to pray but say to myself, "I will just turn some worship music on." So, this fast pushed me to seek God and enjoyment in Him. I would ride to work with no music (my commute is 40 mins one way). It allowed me to pray and spend time in silence, or some days I made up and sang my own worship songs haha. I learned that I am a little bit scared of silence...but also realized that it is crucial. The week helped me to feel less anxious..and it moments of worry to just pray when those thoughts entered my mind. Of course it justified for me that music is a HUGE blessing. Some of you may think this is a tad extreme...really girl? A music fast? Music is a good thing. Yes, yes it is. But food is a good thing too! And people today and in the Bible fasted food. Food is something you need to survive, as music is to me and many of us. That is the point, you are giving up something essential and saying I want God even more. Even more than the desire of food or whatever it is you are fasting. Plus the hunger pains or silence remind you to rely on God for strength. If you have never fasted anything, I strongly encourage you too. As long as your motivation is to seek God through it.
So, here is what I have been learning through my music and social media fast. I am still a complete and utter mess. These past couple of weeks have allowed me to try and find enjoyment in God...what does that look like? I have no idea. It has been filled with ups and downs. Usually I try to write in my blogs with complete thoughts and scripture to back up what I have been learning..this time I am writing in the midst of the battle and broken thoughts.
As many of you know I started this blog as a testament to God and my struggle with an eating disorder. And you may be surprised to know that three years later the battle with this disorder still continues. Yes, I have gained weight and I'm no longer a slave to food, but the mental battle persists. I feel like I am living in a place of being the girl that struggled with an eating disorder. Like it is some big dark secret that I carry around with me. I still feel chained to a sin that Jesus has died to free me of. It is not that I feel the urge to starve myself anymore, but I do want to be healthy and lose a little weight. I have tried eating less and exercising more...some weeks more than others. Every time I step on the scale the weight is exactly the same...no matter the amount of my effort. The last time I got on the scale God said,"love me more than the number on this scale". I know that it hasn't changed because my heart is in losing weight and the concern of my self image. My heart is not motivated to be healthy so I can better God's kingdom, it is to fit into some standard this world approves of. I don't want to say that God is punishing me with the number on the scale, but He has made me realize that my heart is still sick. That I need Him more everyday. It is so embarrassing to sit here and write that three years later I am still struggling with this issue. Yes, God is a healer. And I do believe that He has brought me great strides in this battle! Without His hope and challenge for an amazing life in His kingdom I would still be starving myself. The thing about God is that He truly knows our hearts. He knows that I still haven't fully given my trust and faith in this issue to Him. So, if you are reading this and think...why would I want to be a follower of Jesus if you can't even be healed from this? I can tell you that in this life everything will not be healed. This may be one of my struggles that is never taken from me. But I can live in the hope that one day it will be, and everyday it reminds me to give myself to God. To learn to find my identity in Him. Which is where I find joy, it never comes from meeting a goal and finding out the world still doesn't care. I believe that I will overcome this by the grace of God. I just don't know the timeline.
Why am I admitting this on my blog? Well, it is my introvert way of expressing my thoughts haha And I hope it brings you encouragement. You may not be struggling with your weight, but fill in the blank with what sin has been holding you captive. God is a healer and is with us during the battle. This week I was reminded of the story of David and Goliath. And God spoke to me, "stop trying to fight your own battles; they are not yours to fight". Just like in this story..David did not fight His own battle. Yes, he took a step of faith to approach his enemy and actual giant...but do you really think a stone could kill a giant? The Lord was his help. David knew the Lord was good and trusted Him. He was furious that anyone would defy the Lord! And we should be mad that the enemy is trying to keep us and our friends/family from the love of God. Our Lord is powerful, and loves to continuously save His people. So, I am still a mess. I think I will always be one...but through Jesus God loves me regardless of my messy heart. And I will continue to seek Him. It has brought me more joy than anything in this life.
"Your life is a love story in the midst of a life-and-death battle. The beauty, the adventure, the intimacy-they are what are most real. But it is a battle to gain them and battle to keep them. A battle for your own heart and a battle for the hearts around you. "The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is his name." (Ex. 15:3) Jesus fights on your behalf and on the behalf of those you love. He asks you to join Him."
-Captivating
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