welcoming a new year.

2014.  It's been real.

     I cannot believe tomorrow will be the first day of 2015.  Looking back on 2014 it has been a bit of a crazy year (I think I say that every year haha).  But really, I attended my record amount of Twenty One Pilots concerts (huge accomplishment, I know) worked a new job, lived in a new town, met some fresh faces, celebrated new marriages, moved back to the beach, had an awesome summer, and fell in love.  I would say 2014 had its perks.  Yes, this year has also had many hard times...but I never can look back at life and wish something had gone differently.  God makes me stronger through every moment in life.
     After reading over my end of the year post for 2013 I realize I still have many of the same struggles.  This is frustrating to me.  How have I gone a whole year with what seems like little heart change??  I know I cannot measure all of my success according to outward proof.  I've definitely had some pruning done in my heart this year.  I will admit I have spent a good amount of time in 2014 being mad at God.  You should have talked to me when I was in Chapel Hill looking for a job after I found one I hated.  You also could have talked to me when I was going through the phase of being mad at hypocritical Christians (aka myself).  Or over the past few months during my crying fits where I pretty much yelled at God for being unfair and not seeing what I was going through (yes, this really happened).  These emotional moments remind me that I am a child in His eyes.  I'm now trying to accept that I am loved as His daughter.
     Yes, I am one of those people who is extra chipper on New Years Eve.  Sorry if they annoy you...but come on!  How exciting that in a few hours a whole new year will be upon us.  A new year that will offer so many adventures and moments that help define who you are.  Even though I'm a planner, there is something refreshing about the unknown.  Who knows...maybe the unknown this year is all of my plans staying on track (HAAA).  Anyway, I have some dreams that I hope come true this year.
     I am starting my new year off with another fast.  I have come up with the perfect item to fast.  Coffee.  Yes, my best friend coffee.  My friend coffee who I look forward to spending time with every day.  My friend coffee who goes perfectly with reading a book or writing.  My friend coffee...you will be missed.  Okay, I'm dramatic.  I will be participating in my church's beginning of the year fast which last 21 days.  Of course I have big hopes for this fast.  My biggest hope is to mend my relationship with God.  I can't be mad at him anymore.  Even though I'm mad I still see His goodness everyday (it's a strange thing).  I hope to give my fearful heart to Him...and I have no idea how that will happen.  Fasting is creating space in your life to hear and see the Holy Spirit move.  It is giving of yourself to a God who is so much greater than any item you could give up.  I am not doing this as an,"oh, look at me suffering through each day with a caffeine headache."  I am doing it because there is nothing that means as much to me as God.  There is nothing I wouldn't give up to get to know Him more.  There is nothing that brings as much purpose and strength to my life as He does.  A lot of the time I am just not listening.  I hope to give Him my full attention during this fast.  Here God, you can have my coffee for 21 days...
     So, I will be giving up coffee and giving the money I would spend on a daily coffee to a friend on a mission.  Jenna, my sweet treasure of a friend, will be heading out on an awesome adventure riding her bike from Providence, RI to Seattle with an organization that helps fund affordable housing groups.  If you would like to help her in this process click the link here and donate! Seriously, if you only give like $5 dollars it would make her day. http://bikeandbuild.org/rider/7992.
     I am expecting big things in 2015.  I'm sure so many things that I never thought or dreamed will happen this year.  God has a way of keeping us on our toes.  I pray that this year I will focus less on myself.  I hope to learn more about the life of Jesus, and to put that knowledge into actual practice.  Here is a lovely quote on my hope and prayer for the church in the coming year... "The fertile soil of death is where the gospel forms roots and actually bears fruit.  We have to die to live; we have to die so others can live.  It almost sounds like Jesus' mission.  This is the church He was willing to die for, a Bride that inspires and changes the world.  This vision is worthy of radical obedience.  Don't give up on the church.  There is hope for her yet."--Jen Hatmaker

     If you are reading this I hope you have made a goal for the new year.  I hope that you see there is always something that can be created and pursued in order to make our world a better place.  I am asking that you would cut yourself a little slack though.  Some days you will fail.  Some days will seem to have little purpose in the timeline of your huge dream.  But remember, even that lazy day will matter.  I pray in those moments you remember to breathe.  Every breath gets you one step closer to the finish line.

    Please say a prayer for me!  This barista will need it.  With this I am welcoming 2015.

    Let's have an adventure.  And a coffee date in 21 days....

unearth.

   It has been a long time since my last post (I think I start most of my posts this way ha).  Life lately has been full of some crazy ups and downs.  There have been countless moments of happiness and many sad moments as well.  To update on my last post I am still working towards healing with my image and ED scars.  A suggestion from my counselor was to figure out things I enjoy doing.  Sadly, I have spent so many years clinging to the only thing I found comfort and meaning in...losing weight.  A point that was brought up was fear.  She asked if I was afraid to leave the only thing I had known as my identity for so long to branch out try new things.  This was very interesting to me.  I do have a sense of fear and stress when I think about my life purpose and calling.  I now realize that it has been easier to revert back to something I know to be comforting and "mine" instead of taking a step in a different direction.  That is the thing with Type A people.  I feel like if I am going to do something it must be perfect.  Why even try to do anything if you won't be the best at it??  I am hoping to defeat all of those false ideas by trying something new.  I have decided to try to figure out what I like to do...by actually doing the things I have always wanted to do.   I am having to accept that I will not be the best.  But do I have to be the best to enjoy something??  The answer is "no", in case you were not following haha.  I will continue to hash out my life and struggles in this blog..but there is going to be a twist as well.  I will be posting a few writing exercises in hopes to get my mind away from only focusing on my struggles.  I hope by forcing my brain to be creative I will think less about what has consumed me for so long.  I hope to look at life with ED not being the main character.  With that said, the first creative exercise in my guide is to write why I write.

Why I Write.

I write out of fear.  I write because I am afraid to forget moments of my life that matter.  I write because those moments are what remind me to keep fighting everyday.  I write to reveal the truth.  The truth about me.  The truth about a loving God.  The truth about how painful the world can be.  I write to enjoy.  I write to remember where and when I laughed.  I write to remember where I cried.  I write to surprise myself.  To look at the words I have written and realize they are beautiful.  I write to empty my mind.  To expel the thoughts which clutter my vision.  To rid my mind of the worry and anxiety that cling so tightly.  I write to share my life with others.  I write to relate with those who are struggling but cannot find the words.  I write to find purpose.  I write to read the words I have written and feel a connection.  A connection that only happens on paper.  I write to discover who I am.  I write to see the person I want to become.  I write to see what I am passionate about.  I write to notice what I struggle with most.  I write to be vulnerable.  To expose my deepest secrets and heart.   I write to record my life.  How beautiful are the words that lace together a messy story.  I write when I’m sad.  I write when I’m happy.  I write when I’m confused.  I write because those emotions are important.  I write to gain perspective.  I want to see the world differently everyday.  I write to enjoy my surroundings.  By sitting in a new coffee shop or in a new town.  I write to avoid the darkness.  To avoid the things which steal my joy.  I write to find light.  I write to seek hope.  I write to love.  I write to learn to love myself and to fall in love with life.  I write because life is an adventure.  I write to solve mysteries.  I write because words give life.  They are free but somehow mean the most to our souls.  I write to escape the everyday and tedious moments.  I write for healing.  Healing of my mind and heart.  I write to understand God.  I write in hope of seeing change.  I write because nothing else seems sufficient.  I write to smile.  I write in hope of leaving behind a beautiful life story.