29 and counting

I haven’t written in a while because, truth be told, I have been pretty bitter.  Suffering has a way of getting to your core.  Forcing you to get your beliefs in line…well, really pressing you to see what it is you truly believe.  It redefines your life.  It sets limits.  In a culture where we do not like to admit that we have limits, it gets exhausting.  Please read all of this with an open heart.  As these words and moments have been three years in the making. 

This year I applied and was chosen to attend an adult retreat at A Place for the Heart in Sophia, NC.  This opportunity was definitely a life changing moment for me.  I got to sit under some amazing teachers and lovers of the Lord and hash out some hard stuff with people outside of my main world.  I got to get away to the woods of NC and be challenged spiritually.  The first evening we broke into small groups that had been prearranged.  Our group leaders had prayed and heard specific things from the Lord for each of us.  Those prayers were then read over us in front of the small group, which was an invigorating experience.  Part of mine read, “I love your humanity Lindsey.  I am not mad or frustrated at you by your frustration, sadness, or even anger.  I am fully present in all of your emotions.  I felt the Lord say I want Lindsey to give me the pressure she is putting on herself to be ‘okay’ or be a ‘certain way’.  I am coming to break down false expectations that she has placed on herself so that she can fully receive the gift of being a human.  Any false ideals about I have to have this by this age, I have to do this in order to be this way and so on are all lies that have weighed you down with anxiety and fear.  It is time to wage war on this! I declare that God is coming to give you comfort in places where you have felt trapped in frustration and bitterness.”  Not sure how you feel about words from the Lord but this was spot on!  And the first time I had met this staff member who prayed for me.  Things I had stuffed down were brought up.  The Lord has given me permission to be a human.  I know that sounds weird, but I am a perfectionist.  I live by very high standards in every aspect of my life.  That weekend I left feeling exhausted, but much less bitter.  A few months ago I wrote a blog that I very much intended to post, but did not because I wanted to let it settle and see what the Lord wanted to do.  One of the things that really convicted me during my retreat was Melissa Helser bringing up the way people are blaming the church.  She voiced, if a situation goes down poorly at your church, do not say THE CHURCH.  That situation happened at a church.  It does not define the church in general.  This really shaped the way I thought about our years of current suffering.  Things had not gone as well as I would have liked at my church.  But that does not mean that the whole church in general sucks at helping those who are suffering. 

Many of you know that Brooke was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease 8 months after we got married.  With the newness of figuring out marriage and Brooke battling a chronic illness things were chaotic.  I still have moments to this day where I am mad about the years “stolen” from us.  Our newlywed years were hard, as most do not have to deal with a disease at 23 years old.  This upset me and some of the pain I have had to work through is redefining what marriage really means.  In my other post I went over all the details of this disease and how hard it has been for us.  I am now not feeling that you need to know all of that.  If you would like to have a candid conversation about it let me know.  It hasn’t been pretty.  The response to our suffering by some Christians has been fascinating.  Super varied, and sometimes straight up hurtful.  I am not a pro at dealing with people who are suffering….at this point in the process I can tell you some things you should never say. 

During these few years I have sought out MANY books by Christians who have endured suffering.  It has salvaged my faith and I am so thankful to those who have not only endured suffering, but had the courage to put their experience into words.  Recently, I have been reading a book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero.  I know many of you will not have time to read it.  So I will place some of my favorite thoughts from the book in this blog.  I will never have enough time to write about all the ideas of suffering that I have heard in the last few years.  This will just be a summary of thoughts I very much relate with.  “I prefer the notions of seasons to stages when describing our life in Christ.  We don’t control the seasons; they happen to us.  Winter, spring, summer, and fall come to us whenever we like it or not.  So do Walls.  For most of us the Wall appears through a crisis that turns our world upside down.  It comes, perhaps, through a divorce, a job loss, the death of a close friend or family member, a cancer diagnosis, a disillusioning church experience, a betrayal, a shattered dream, a wayward child, a car accident, an inability to get pregnant, a deep desire to marry that remains unfulfilled, a dryness or loss of joy in our relationship with God.  We question ourselves, God, the church.  We discover for the first time that our faith does not appear to “work”.  We have more questions than answers as the very foundation of our faith feels like it is on the line.  We don’t know where God is, what he is doing, where he is going, how he is getting us there, or when this will be over.”

“On the other side of the Wall is 1) A greater level of brokenness (people on the other side of the Wall are freed from judging others.  2) A greater appreciation for holy unknowing/mystery (one of the great fruits of the Wall is a childlike, deepened love for mystery).  3) A deeper ability to wait for God (as Abraham, Moses, David, Hannah, and Jesus learned).  4) A greater detachment (the Wall more than anything else, cuts off our attachments to who we think we ought to be, or who we falsely think we are.  Layers of our counterfeit self are shed.  Something truer, that is Christ in and through us, slowly emerges.)” 

Peter also goes through the book of Job to show us how well and beautifully Job suffered.  If you want to increase your knowledge of how to suffer well or be able to sit with those suffering read the book of Job.  Here are some of Peter’s insights.  “In church we have little theology for anger, sadness, waiting, and depression.  Job, on the other hand, screamed out in his pain, holding nothing back.  He even cursed the day of his birth (Job 3:3-4; 6:2-4).  He shouted at God.  He prayed wild prayers.  For thirty-five chapters we read how he struggled with God.  He did not avoid the horror of his predicament but confronted it directly.”  “Job waited for a long time when the people closest to him quit.  They did not have a big enough God or theology to walk through phase two of grieving – waiting in the confusing in-between.  His friends had no room for the ‘confusing in-between’, no room for mystery.  Like many Christians today, they overestimated their grasp of truth.  They played God and stood in God’s shoes.  Job had two fights going on: one with God and the other with his friends who kept quoting scripture to him.  They tried to fix Job and defend God, and in their attempt to explain what God was doing (which they did not understand), they tortured Job, who was already in great pain.” 

I hope these words spoke to your heart.  They have been the most beautiful words and closest to my heart.  In this season of hardship the Lord has met me in a few very memorable ways. 

After more months of suffering with Brooke not getting better and relying on steroids to leave the house.  I made Brooke go up for prayer on a Sunday (which I make him do a lot).  When we got up to the altar I immediately started crying, so naturally, the person who would be praying for us thought I needed prayer (which yes, I did haha).  She had no idea what we had been going through but started prophesying over me and then said...the Lord is sorry for the unthoughtful and hurtful things that have been said to you.  I completely lost it.  The Lord has heard it all.  He has heard my prayers....and He knows I am hurting and have been hurt.  It was a huge moment of confirmation that I was not wrongly processing the pain.  He truly heard and saw how painful those moments had been. 

   A few months after that, I had been reading through a healing prayer book where it brought up the topic of a new name.  It said, ask the Lord to give you a new name.  I immediately thought, I will not hear that, and shut the book.  After singing for the first time in front of my church at a Christmas Event a member of the church approached me and told me what she had heard from the Lord, many awesome things, but one of them being your new name in the Lord is Ariel, it means  "lion of God".  I so often feel weak in our suffering...afraid, worn out, and honestly over it.  But the Lord will not let me live in that sadness.  He is calling me much higher and creating a strong woman of God.  Lastly, while I was worshiping and praying at home the Lord said to me, "I am proud of you" and "I am changing your heart”. 

            Even though this season of suffering has been brutal I would not change it for anything.  Even with hurtful things said, unrealistic expectations for healing, and confusion.  The fruit of this season has been good.  The Lord loves to take hardship and transform it into good.  I do not know the reason for this suffering.  And neither do you.  I can tell you this, what you see going on in the flesh is not the only thing happening.  I will leave you with a beautiful and thought provoking quote.  “Sadly, when we look deep beneath the surface of our lives, most of us are not doing anything fundamentally differently from what our families did.  God’s intention, however, is that our local churches and parishes are to be places where, slowly but surely, we are re-parented in doing life Christ’s way.  God intends that his new community of people be the place where we are set free.  This requires recognizing the sad reality that all of us bring to our new community our old ‘Egyptian’ ways of living and relating.”

            In a world full of limits I know I serve a limitless God.  That does not mean that you will get the quick fix you want in life.  I have struggled these past few years with figuring out what my life timeline will be.  God isn’t as concerned with that.  While I’m trying to rush through life He is tending the garden.  He is pruning, watering, and enjoying His time spent with me.  What a life it would be to enjoy the entire process.  I have decided that the fruit is worth the wait.