yellow.

   The only word I can think of to describe life lately is, whirlwind.  It seems things are never going to slow down.  Life has certainly had its full and empty moments.  I feel like i've had very little time to process the transitions (so forgive me, that is what is happening now haha)

   After a rushed week of goodbyes and packing my car in the most inefficient manner ever...I am back on the beach.  It all happened so fast.  I am so happy to be here.  It is strange coming back to a familiar place...I feel like I should pick up right where things left off.  But life happens and things change.  I am not the same person I was 9 months ago.

   While dreaming of my return home for summer I had glorious visions.  Thoughts of the adventures, goals, and bucket lists that would be achieved danced in my mind.  It is strange though, arriving on the beach has sent me into some paralyzed sense of fear.  Will those dreams actually be achieved?  Can I really be used to make a difference on this lovely beach?  How can you look forward to something so much only to be terrified to take action when you finally arrive?  Fear is something I have always held closely.

   A comforting thought occurred to me while washing dishes the other day at work.  I realized I was standing in the exact same place I was months ago...only this time I was not wishing to be anywhere else in the world.  For once I felt okay with not having a single ounce of direction for the upcoming months.  God has been constantly breaking me down to fully rely on Him.  Not only rely on Him, but love Him.  To trust that He is good...that His plan for me is good.  An encouraging verse I read the other day is Romans 11:33 "Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge.  How impossible it is for us to understand His decisions and His ways."  Impossible.  That word in this context is an encouragement to me.  I spend so much time trying to figure everything out that I forget to enjoy what God does offer me...Himself.  He offers all of His wonderful characteristics to me.  Another version of this verse says, "how unsearchable His judgements, and His paths beyond tracing out."  No matter how hard I try or what formula I come up with I cannot fully understand God.  Impossible and unsearchable.  Why search so hard for life questions I may never understand?  The Bible is full of promises I can understand and look to for encouragement and hope.  It seems I focus so much on what I may never find.  Just like I focus more on my fear.

   Through all of my internal strife I can relate to a quote from the great Ted Mosby (haha)

"I never got where I thought I wanted to go, but I always got a great story."