unearth.

   It has been a long time since my last post (I think I start most of my posts this way ha).  Life lately has been full of some crazy ups and downs.  There have been countless moments of happiness and many sad moments as well.  To update on my last post I am still working towards healing with my image and ED scars.  A suggestion from my counselor was to figure out things I enjoy doing.  Sadly, I have spent so many years clinging to the only thing I found comfort and meaning in...losing weight.  A point that was brought up was fear.  She asked if I was afraid to leave the only thing I had known as my identity for so long to branch out try new things.  This was very interesting to me.  I do have a sense of fear and stress when I think about my life purpose and calling.  I now realize that it has been easier to revert back to something I know to be comforting and "mine" instead of taking a step in a different direction.  That is the thing with Type A people.  I feel like if I am going to do something it must be perfect.  Why even try to do anything if you won't be the best at it??  I am hoping to defeat all of those false ideas by trying something new.  I have decided to try to figure out what I like to do...by actually doing the things I have always wanted to do.   I am having to accept that I will not be the best.  But do I have to be the best to enjoy something??  The answer is "no", in case you were not following haha.  I will continue to hash out my life and struggles in this blog..but there is going to be a twist as well.  I will be posting a few writing exercises in hopes to get my mind away from only focusing on my struggles.  I hope by forcing my brain to be creative I will think less about what has consumed me for so long.  I hope to look at life with ED not being the main character.  With that said, the first creative exercise in my guide is to write why I write.

Why I Write.

I write out of fear.  I write because I am afraid to forget moments of my life that matter.  I write because those moments are what remind me to keep fighting everyday.  I write to reveal the truth.  The truth about me.  The truth about a loving God.  The truth about how painful the world can be.  I write to enjoy.  I write to remember where and when I laughed.  I write to remember where I cried.  I write to surprise myself.  To look at the words I have written and realize they are beautiful.  I write to empty my mind.  To expel the thoughts which clutter my vision.  To rid my mind of the worry and anxiety that cling so tightly.  I write to share my life with others.  I write to relate with those who are struggling but cannot find the words.  I write to find purpose.  I write to read the words I have written and feel a connection.  A connection that only happens on paper.  I write to discover who I am.  I write to see the person I want to become.  I write to see what I am passionate about.  I write to notice what I struggle with most.  I write to be vulnerable.  To expose my deepest secrets and heart.   I write to record my life.  How beautiful are the words that lace together a messy story.  I write when I’m sad.  I write when I’m happy.  I write when I’m confused.  I write because those emotions are important.  I write to gain perspective.  I want to see the world differently everyday.  I write to enjoy my surroundings.  By sitting in a new coffee shop or in a new town.  I write to avoid the darkness.  To avoid the things which steal my joy.  I write to find light.  I write to seek hope.  I write to love.  I write to learn to love myself and to fall in love with life.  I write because life is an adventure.  I write to solve mysteries.  I write because words give life.  They are free but somehow mean the most to our souls.  I write to escape the everyday and tedious moments.  I write for healing.  Healing of my mind and heart.  I write to understand God.  I write in hope of seeing change.  I write because nothing else seems sufficient.  I write to smile.  I write in hope of leaving behind a beautiful life story.