welcoming a new year.

2014.  It's been real.

     I cannot believe tomorrow will be the first day of 2015.  Looking back on 2014 it has been a bit of a crazy year (I think I say that every year haha).  But really, I attended my record amount of Twenty One Pilots concerts (huge accomplishment, I know) worked a new job, lived in a new town, met some fresh faces, celebrated new marriages, moved back to the beach, had an awesome summer, and fell in love.  I would say 2014 had its perks.  Yes, this year has also had many hard times...but I never can look back at life and wish something had gone differently.  God makes me stronger through every moment in life.
     After reading over my end of the year post for 2013 I realize I still have many of the same struggles.  This is frustrating to me.  How have I gone a whole year with what seems like little heart change??  I know I cannot measure all of my success according to outward proof.  I've definitely had some pruning done in my heart this year.  I will admit I have spent a good amount of time in 2014 being mad at God.  You should have talked to me when I was in Chapel Hill looking for a job after I found one I hated.  You also could have talked to me when I was going through the phase of being mad at hypocritical Christians (aka myself).  Or over the past few months during my crying fits where I pretty much yelled at God for being unfair and not seeing what I was going through (yes, this really happened).  These emotional moments remind me that I am a child in His eyes.  I'm now trying to accept that I am loved as His daughter.
     Yes, I am one of those people who is extra chipper on New Years Eve.  Sorry if they annoy you...but come on!  How exciting that in a few hours a whole new year will be upon us.  A new year that will offer so many adventures and moments that help define who you are.  Even though I'm a planner, there is something refreshing about the unknown.  Who knows...maybe the unknown this year is all of my plans staying on track (HAAA).  Anyway, I have some dreams that I hope come true this year.
     I am starting my new year off with another fast.  I have come up with the perfect item to fast.  Coffee.  Yes, my best friend coffee.  My friend coffee who I look forward to spending time with every day.  My friend coffee who goes perfectly with reading a book or writing.  My friend coffee...you will be missed.  Okay, I'm dramatic.  I will be participating in my church's beginning of the year fast which last 21 days.  Of course I have big hopes for this fast.  My biggest hope is to mend my relationship with God.  I can't be mad at him anymore.  Even though I'm mad I still see His goodness everyday (it's a strange thing).  I hope to give my fearful heart to Him...and I have no idea how that will happen.  Fasting is creating space in your life to hear and see the Holy Spirit move.  It is giving of yourself to a God who is so much greater than any item you could give up.  I am not doing this as an,"oh, look at me suffering through each day with a caffeine headache."  I am doing it because there is nothing that means as much to me as God.  There is nothing I wouldn't give up to get to know Him more.  There is nothing that brings as much purpose and strength to my life as He does.  A lot of the time I am just not listening.  I hope to give Him my full attention during this fast.  Here God, you can have my coffee for 21 days...
     So, I will be giving up coffee and giving the money I would spend on a daily coffee to a friend on a mission.  Jenna, my sweet treasure of a friend, will be heading out on an awesome adventure riding her bike from Providence, RI to Seattle with an organization that helps fund affordable housing groups.  If you would like to help her in this process click the link here and donate! Seriously, if you only give like $5 dollars it would make her day. http://bikeandbuild.org/rider/7992.
     I am expecting big things in 2015.  I'm sure so many things that I never thought or dreamed will happen this year.  God has a way of keeping us on our toes.  I pray that this year I will focus less on myself.  I hope to learn more about the life of Jesus, and to put that knowledge into actual practice.  Here is a lovely quote on my hope and prayer for the church in the coming year... "The fertile soil of death is where the gospel forms roots and actually bears fruit.  We have to die to live; we have to die so others can live.  It almost sounds like Jesus' mission.  This is the church He was willing to die for, a Bride that inspires and changes the world.  This vision is worthy of radical obedience.  Don't give up on the church.  There is hope for her yet."--Jen Hatmaker

     If you are reading this I hope you have made a goal for the new year.  I hope that you see there is always something that can be created and pursued in order to make our world a better place.  I am asking that you would cut yourself a little slack though.  Some days you will fail.  Some days will seem to have little purpose in the timeline of your huge dream.  But remember, even that lazy day will matter.  I pray in those moments you remember to breathe.  Every breath gets you one step closer to the finish line.

    Please say a prayer for me!  This barista will need it.  With this I am welcoming 2015.

    Let's have an adventure.  And a coffee date in 21 days....

unearth.

   It has been a long time since my last post (I think I start most of my posts this way ha).  Life lately has been full of some crazy ups and downs.  There have been countless moments of happiness and many sad moments as well.  To update on my last post I am still working towards healing with my image and ED scars.  A suggestion from my counselor was to figure out things I enjoy doing.  Sadly, I have spent so many years clinging to the only thing I found comfort and meaning in...losing weight.  A point that was brought up was fear.  She asked if I was afraid to leave the only thing I had known as my identity for so long to branch out try new things.  This was very interesting to me.  I do have a sense of fear and stress when I think about my life purpose and calling.  I now realize that it has been easier to revert back to something I know to be comforting and "mine" instead of taking a step in a different direction.  That is the thing with Type A people.  I feel like if I am going to do something it must be perfect.  Why even try to do anything if you won't be the best at it??  I am hoping to defeat all of those false ideas by trying something new.  I have decided to try to figure out what I like to do...by actually doing the things I have always wanted to do.   I am having to accept that I will not be the best.  But do I have to be the best to enjoy something??  The answer is "no", in case you were not following haha.  I will continue to hash out my life and struggles in this blog..but there is going to be a twist as well.  I will be posting a few writing exercises in hopes to get my mind away from only focusing on my struggles.  I hope by forcing my brain to be creative I will think less about what has consumed me for so long.  I hope to look at life with ED not being the main character.  With that said, the first creative exercise in my guide is to write why I write.

Why I Write.

I write out of fear.  I write because I am afraid to forget moments of my life that matter.  I write because those moments are what remind me to keep fighting everyday.  I write to reveal the truth.  The truth about me.  The truth about a loving God.  The truth about how painful the world can be.  I write to enjoy.  I write to remember where and when I laughed.  I write to remember where I cried.  I write to surprise myself.  To look at the words I have written and realize they are beautiful.  I write to empty my mind.  To expel the thoughts which clutter my vision.  To rid my mind of the worry and anxiety that cling so tightly.  I write to share my life with others.  I write to relate with those who are struggling but cannot find the words.  I write to find purpose.  I write to read the words I have written and feel a connection.  A connection that only happens on paper.  I write to discover who I am.  I write to see the person I want to become.  I write to see what I am passionate about.  I write to notice what I struggle with most.  I write to be vulnerable.  To expose my deepest secrets and heart.   I write to record my life.  How beautiful are the words that lace together a messy story.  I write when I’m sad.  I write when I’m happy.  I write when I’m confused.  I write because those emotions are important.  I write to gain perspective.  I want to see the world differently everyday.  I write to enjoy my surroundings.  By sitting in a new coffee shop or in a new town.  I write to avoid the darkness.  To avoid the things which steal my joy.  I write to find light.  I write to seek hope.  I write to love.  I write to learn to love myself and to fall in love with life.  I write because life is an adventure.  I write to solve mysteries.  I write because words give life.  They are free but somehow mean the most to our souls.  I write to escape the everyday and tedious moments.  I write for healing.  Healing of my mind and heart.  I write to understand God.  I write in hope of seeing change.  I write because nothing else seems sufficient.  I write to smile.  I write in hope of leaving behind a beautiful life story. 

rewind.

   As the days fly by and seasons change my heart is still in the same place.

   I had been avoiding writing for awhile because I kept trying to figure out what to write about.  I've known what I need to process....it is the one thing that is constantly on my mind even though I wish it wasn't.  My weight.

   Moving back to the beach has been nothing but a constant blessing.  I love my job, coworkers, friends, church, and the beautiful scenery I get to call home.  Through the midst of all the goodness; the lies and struggle with my self image and worth still ring in my mind...and loudly.  If you have kept up with my blog at all you know very well that I have issues with body image.  That I used to starve myself so I could be "beautiful".  Eating disorders are a very weird thing.  They are a mental illness...and I am learning they take years to shake.  Being a Type A person I want to beat this and move on.  I have goals to just get over it and get on with my life.  The thing is I cannot heal myself of this.  I need help.   Yes, I have gained weight and I am healthy.  But my mind and heart are not.   After trying for years to figure all of this out on my own, I have finally started to see a counselor.

   The mental checklist of daily foods eaten play over and over in my mind like a sick slideshow.  There are moments when I stop what I'm doing just to think about the amount of food I have consumed throughout the day.  It is exhausting.  I think about going home to workout and the calories I will burn to be able to justify another meal.  I absolutely dread the scale...but at the same time it is a "friend" to me.  A few weeks ago I weighed myself and gained a pound.  One pound.  I cried on the floor and spent my whole day off in my room not wanting to eat. 

  Counseling has been a very strange and freeing process for me.  The concept of sitting in a room and talking about your life to a person who doesn't know you at all is...frightening.  But I can say it is helpful.  I am realizing I have unknowingly shaped my thoughts about who I am based on past experiences and even on things my parents did or didn't say.  These realizations have been tough...but again, freeing.  I have learned that I have control issues and that I like to solve problems on my own.  I take advice from friends and family, but that is always after I have an action plan in motion.  I would rather solve a problem without telling anyone...and instead tell them about the problem after I have already defeated it.  It is hard for me to say, "I need help" or ,"I need prayer."  So this is me saying, "I need help and prayer".  

   A huge thing I realized during my last counseling session was that as a child my parents did not say to me "you are beautiful" or "you are cherished".  You would not think it, but so many problems have stemmed from this.  Let me clear something up, I am not blaming my parents.  I have AMAZING parents.  They have done SO many things for me...and have provided and still provide a wonderful life for me.  My mom is a close friend and I can tell her anything.  But overall, they are humans.  They are not perfect parents.  And as cheesy as it sounds, I guess those are words of affirmation that I needed to hear.  I had not thought about the fact that those were words I had never heard, until my counselor asked if my parents had ever said those things to me.  I sat there on the couch not moving, I couldn't pinpoint a single moment where they had been said.  Yes, I would always ask my mom , "do I look okay?",  "is this outfit cute?", and "how does my hair look?"  But I was asking.  That has shaped my mental outlook on a lot of things in life.  I cannot stand compliments.  I think they bother me so much because I feel I do not deserve them.  Compliments seem free to me...and I function by working hard, cleaning up my act, and achieving change; compliments do not seem to fit into that lifestyle.

   My perspective of how I view myself and the fact that I must work so hard to achieve anything also plays out in my relationship with God.  I do not know how to relate to Him as someone who loves me regardless of what I do.  I cannot just be a beautiful daughter to Him.  Where is the permission in that?  Why don't I have to ask for His affection or love?  Yes, I know the answers to these questions.  The answers are supposed to be the game changer...but those answers are so foreign to my heart.  

   I am ready to be free from this mental illness.  I am ready to enjoy this life the Lord has given me.  I now know that I have to endure help and process my past.  It is easier to run and try to cover up wounds.  But the wounds that are exposed and taken care of are the ones that actually heal.  I guess counseling and meeting with a nutritionist to help with the fear of food will help me heal.  I am excited and nervous for this journey.  The past few years I have been obsessed with my life calling and purpose....but this mental illness is still in the way.  It is like there is a giant mental block in the way of me seeing who I can be without this illness.  This thought is perfectly summed up in a book I am reading by a Christian girl who dealt with an eating disorder.  "This need to let go of one's disordered identity is why many do not fully recover.  It's also why I relapsed.  I hadn't wanted to fully let go of my ability to choose anorexia.  I'd become attached to my ED and didn't know who I was without it.  I wanted the best of both worlds--to stay in control of my eating, but be healthy enough to fool everyone (including myself) into thinking I was no longer sick."  

   I miss God.  I miss Him so much.  The time spent dwelling, beating myself up, processing the shame, and obsessing about food steals my time from Him.  I want to enjoy Him again.  I want to enjoy eating with friends.  I want to enjoy life.  

   So here I am again, writing about this shadow of myself...a past eating disorder.  I am learning that this is not me.  I have an identity that means so much more than I can imagine.  My identity in Christ is freeing.  It never keeps tabs, makes me feel shameful, or makes me ask for love.  Now if my heart could grasp this.  

   Please join me in praying for girls who think they are defined by food.  Who obsess about calories all day long, exercise for hours, cannot look in the mirror, are afraid of food, cry after stepping on a scale, and avoid shopping in fear of trying on a pair of shorts in a larger size.  

  For I know where there is hope there is healing.  

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.  There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most."  Hebrews 4:16

story time.

I am twenty-four.

I am twenty-four.

   I have been repeating this to myself for about three weeks now and it is finally starting to feel normal.  I never dreamed I would be a person who let a number rule their life.  With birthdays past it was just  another number and year I was blessed to live on this earth.  But twenty-four felt like a deadline in which I had failed to meet all criteria.  While moving back to the beach is what I wanted, it was much harder than I expected.  I had moved to Chapel Hill with the intention of living in a city, finding a career, and yes, I will say it...falling in love.  My year in Chapel Hill was definitely not wasted, it helped me learn more about myself while stepping out to try new things.  I am beyond thankful for the amazing friends I met (you know who you are---thanks for the birthday surprise and for making twenty-four a little less dramatic).  In a little less than a year, only one bullet point could be marked off my mental checklist.

   So here I am.  Twenty-four, single, career-less, living with my parents, and back on the beach I so eagerly wanted to leave.  In the eyes of the world a failure, and sometimes in the mirror a disappointment.  But why do I not feel defeated?

   My hope in the story of Jesus becomes more apparent everyday.  My heart yearns for something so meaningful because I feel I have nothing to offer.  The story of Jesus reminds me that is okay to suffer, okay to cry, and okay to dream of a better life.  But the story of Jesus mostly teaches me to keep persevering even when things seem hopeless.  To keep going when your own people are spitting in your face and wanting your blood to be shed.  With twenty-four the world seems to be spitting in my face.  In its eyes what have I accomplished?  Where am I heading?  Do I have my next step mapped out?

   I am completely obsessed with stories.  I love to hear them and I love to tell them.  They help us make sense of life and connect with others.  Some of the best nights I can remember were sitting around telling stories with friends.  I love how a small detail in a persons story can connect with a detail in another's life...causing hours of conversation and story swapping to occur.  Our life stories are important.  Each of them so beautiful and unique.  I can honestly say that each persons life story is so easily intertwined in the life and story of Jesus.  Let this be an encouragement to you.

   I am deciding tonight that twenty-four will be a year of growth.  This year will not be a sob story.  I've already had an amazing summer and I know more wonderful days are around the corner.  I hope to let go of the hurt I caused myself in the past (more on that when I'm done processing it), love people well, and not let fear control my life.  And as for falling in love, I hope it is a story that is nothing but one of a kind.

   On those hard days I have to remind myself of the story I love most.  The story that is better than any I could create for myself.  The story that means more than my own.  The story of Jesus.

yellow.

   The only word I can think of to describe life lately is, whirlwind.  It seems things are never going to slow down.  Life has certainly had its full and empty moments.  I feel like i've had very little time to process the transitions (so forgive me, that is what is happening now haha)

   After a rushed week of goodbyes and packing my car in the most inefficient manner ever...I am back on the beach.  It all happened so fast.  I am so happy to be here.  It is strange coming back to a familiar place...I feel like I should pick up right where things left off.  But life happens and things change.  I am not the same person I was 9 months ago.

   While dreaming of my return home for summer I had glorious visions.  Thoughts of the adventures, goals, and bucket lists that would be achieved danced in my mind.  It is strange though, arriving on the beach has sent me into some paralyzed sense of fear.  Will those dreams actually be achieved?  Can I really be used to make a difference on this lovely beach?  How can you look forward to something so much only to be terrified to take action when you finally arrive?  Fear is something I have always held closely.

   A comforting thought occurred to me while washing dishes the other day at work.  I realized I was standing in the exact same place I was months ago...only this time I was not wishing to be anywhere else in the world.  For once I felt okay with not having a single ounce of direction for the upcoming months.  God has been constantly breaking me down to fully rely on Him.  Not only rely on Him, but love Him.  To trust that He is good...that His plan for me is good.  An encouraging verse I read the other day is Romans 11:33 "Oh, how great are God's riches and wisdom and knowledge.  How impossible it is for us to understand His decisions and His ways."  Impossible.  That word in this context is an encouragement to me.  I spend so much time trying to figure everything out that I forget to enjoy what God does offer me...Himself.  He offers all of His wonderful characteristics to me.  Another version of this verse says, "how unsearchable His judgements, and His paths beyond tracing out."  No matter how hard I try or what formula I come up with I cannot fully understand God.  Impossible and unsearchable.  Why search so hard for life questions I may never understand?  The Bible is full of promises I can understand and look to for encouragement and hope.  It seems I focus so much on what I may never find.  Just like I focus more on my fear.

   Through all of my internal strife I can relate to a quote from the great Ted Mosby (haha)

"I never got where I thought I wanted to go, but I always got a great story."  

the season of love.

   LIFE. OH MY.

   My year has already proved to be much of an exciting journey.  I am starting to feel a bit more at home in this place they call Chapel Hill.  And I am thrilled to continue to call it home again in the fall.  Spring here is absolutely gorgeous.  My obsession with trees is definitely being fed.  While the season of spring is not my favorite, it is a reminder of all things alive, new, and beautiful.  I think this "spring" theme is seen in my life by the amount of new and exciting adventures happening in the lives of my friends.  I know five amazing couples who will be married this spring/summer!  My heart is so filled with joy for them.  My weeks have been filled with talks and celebrations for these new marriages.  While sometimes it is overwhelming with the money spent on gifts, dresses, shoes and travel...it is worth it knowing that my friends are starting a new and exciting phase of life.

   People keep asking if this wedding season frenzy has been hard for me.  I really have to say, no.  I know in my heart that I have a lot to learn about myself and the Lord.  I have to admit the only time my heart felt a desire for marriage was while watching my best friend pick out her wedding dress.  When she found the perfect dress (and we all knew it) I had a strange thought go through my mind.  I felt a desire and hope that one day I would have the chance to pick out a beautiful dress.  One I will wear on the day I will say "yes" to someone who will love me my flaws.  Marriage is truly a beautiful picture of Christ.  It is wonderful to know that on this earth marriage represents Christ loving us.  As Christ loves flawed people, we have the opportunity to love another flawed person.

   While marriage is not on my radar...learning more about the love God has for me is.  I've been in a season where I sometimes feel distant from God, but no matter what I know He loves me.  A lot of things about my sick heart have been revealed in the past month.  I am still relying on myself for strength, I do not trust God financially, I constantly critique my image, and I have become a critic of the church.  One of the main things I have noticed is that I am still waiting and praying for a career/passion/purpose.  Basically, something that I think will make me happy.  I know deep in my soul that an exact purpose will not complete me...but for some reason I still want it.  I can completely relate with Romans 7:21-25, "I have discovered this principle of life - that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.  I love God's law with all my heart.  But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind.  This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me.  Oh, what a miserable person I am!  Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?  Thank God!  The answer is Jesus Christ our Lord.  So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."  Most days it seems no matter how much I want to love God or completely surrender to Him, I cannot.  Even though I want to love others intentionally and see myself as a beautiful person, I just cannot.  This is a reminder of my need for Jesus.

   My constant need for Jesus is revealed in my idolization of having a specific purpose in life.  I literally have dealt with this idea of having a life purpose for YEARS.  It almost makes me sick to think about the number of times I have talked about this topic.  But my God, being a loving and kind father, has gently been working on this heart issue.  While reading my Bible this week I was struck by some verses in John, "I tell you the truth, you want to be with me because I fed you, not because you understood the miraculous signs.  But don't be so concerned about perishable things like food.  Spend your energy seeking the eternal life that the Son of Man can give you.  For God the Father has given me the seal of his approval." (John 6:26-27)  I often have to ask myself why am I following Jesus?  Is it to have an easy life?  Is it so things can always go my way?  Or is it because I really believe in and love God?  I feel like sometimes I am just waiting on the Lord to show me my life purpose...but what happens when I finally know?

   If you have been reading my blog or kept up with me over the past couple of years you know that life for me has been a complete roller coaster.  I've dealt with many idols and obsessions...ones that directed me in paths that I felt were so far from the Lord.  I've come to realize that I have a tendency to easily have a goal and then do anything to obtain it.  Most of the time that results in doing things my way and on my schedule.  For once, I feel like the Lord is not letting me have some burning passion or desire in my heart because He knows that I have a proneness to take it and run.  The verses in John are so encouraging to me because they make me look at my heart and ask why am I following Jesus?  They also give me a clear answer of what my purpose in life is...to live life for Jesus, glorifying God, and to have the hope of spending eternity with Him.  While I hope that one day I develop some talent or passion that God uses to help heal this broken world...for now, I ask Him to guide me to seek Him more and more everyday.  I pray that I would stop being so concerned about the things and wants of the world, but instead, focus on Jesus.  For the life of Jesus is beautiful, perfect, and inspiring.

in the storm.

“If I don’t get on that boat, I know exactly what I am going home to — if I do [get on the boat], my future is unwritten.”
                             -Jeff Johnson (180 South).

   As I sit here today, I have no clue what this post will consist of.  I feel as if it represents my life...I'm not sure where I will end up, what tomorrow holds, or what beautiful and mysterious plan God has for me.  The unknown allows me to trust the Lord.  That was a challenge I accepted by starting the year with a social media fast.  Also, the stress of work and financial decisions has lead me to press further into His goodness, to see what really matters most in life.  I have realized that I am relationally rich.  God has blessed me with so many inspiring and loving friends.  Sometimes I feel like I do not deserve them.  And I don't...which always reminds me of the gospel and God's love.  I do not deserve the love of God or the freedom that Jesus offers me...but I have them.  What a gift.  Is there a better gift than love and freedom?
   A couple of weeks ago I had a vision from the Lord during worship.  It really spoke to the sickness and emptiness of my heart.  I feel like my heart is in a storm.  Like I am in the middle of the ocean and the waves are swelling all around me...I am scared and it is tiring.  But I am not gasping for air..I am not drowning.  My vision consisted of seeing a rope from a helicopter in the water.  And I was holding on to it.  The Lord was letting me know that I was safe.  I am holding on to Him, I am on my way out of the storm.  But as for now, I am still in the storm.  His timing will reveal when I am lifted out from the distracting and terrifying waves.  I'm honestly not sure what the lifting out of those waters will look like...but as for now, I will cling tighter to the rope.  It is all I have.  
   My extravagant love for water and the imagery it offers is a tool used in many stories of the Bible.  Its meaning of purity, new life, and power give me peace and comfort.  I can't help of think of all of these things while swimming in the ocean.  But I am also aware of the depths, waves, and storms that are experienced in water.  This seems to sum up faith for me: I know that I have new life...but I still know what it's like to be in the rough waters.  One story that comes to mind in the Bible about water is in Mark 6:45-56 (Jesus walks on water)--if you are like WOW original choice Lindsey..I have been right there with you. haha  In this story Jesus tells his disciples to get in the boat and head across the lake, while he stayed back and prayed (Introvert problems? I'm kidding.)  In verse 47 it says that "in the middle of the lake" they began to experience the test of strong wind and rain.  After this the power of Jesus was displayed when he began walking on water.  This gives me comfort because I know that Jesus even has power over nature--something that we as humans have to submit to.  So, why would Jesus wait until they were in the middle of the lake?  Or as the text reads "at about three o'clock in the morning Jesus came towards them".  While I can't tell you what Jesus was thinking in that moment--I can tell you that they had to wait in the storm for a bit.  In the storm you learn how small you are, how much you need God, and that battling the waves alone is hard work.  
   In this story I can relate to the disciples reactions.  They are first troubled by the storm and then "crying out in terror" because they think Jesus is a ghost.  After seeing Jesus feed five thousand with five loads of bread and two fish they still do not know who Jesus is.  It seems that in my life the goodness and provision of God is still forgotten most days.  But even in their insecurity and fears Jesus reminds them who he is by saying, "Don't be afraid," and, "Take courage! I am here."  This story makes me realize I still do not totally understand the gospel.  If I did, in the storms I wouldn't be terrified...I would be able to take courage in the love of Jesus.  
   This story challenges me to look at the character of Jesus.  To see that he loves those who are confused and trying to make sense of him and the love he offers.  It challenges me to seek after Jesus like the disciples...even if it means getting in a boat without an exact end destination.  Sometimes it is just the obedience of following Jesus that helps you see him more clearly.  I am saying all of this to let you know that I want to get in the boat, I want to follow Jesus into the storms, and I want to see him work on his terms.  When you get in the boat you do not know what the waters will bring, but I know who is with me. #Jesus.

   
   

This road is meant for two.

   Hey, it's 2014!!!  I absolutely cannot believe it.  I will be twenty four this year, which brings me excitement and a whole new rush of worries.  I have a lot of hope for this new year.  There really is something magical and exhilarating about New Year's Eve and waiting for the moment it strikes midnight.  When you can breathe and say, "last year is behind me".  Sometimes that feeling may be bittersweet, for me this year it was mostly sweet.  Yes, 2013 was a hard year.  It was what I called my year of no's.  But 2013 also proved to be one where I persevered.  I learned that I could lean into the Lord for strength...which was something I had never fully done.  It challenged my relationship with Him, there were times I prayed and said "God, I am mad at you."  Even though it was hard and there were moments I would have rather just given up, I saw the blessings of the Lord.  He blessed me with adventure and new friendships.  Friendships I would not give up for the world.  I am still learning a ton about the character of God...and 2013 taught me He is there no matter what happens.  Even when you say to His face that you are angry.
    I decided to start this year with a social media fast, which was confirmed by God.  I felt it would be a good way to seek Him.  I needed something fresh for this new year, a new perspective and love for God.  I first started with a music fast for a week.  This is literally something I thought I could never do.  I feel like music helps keep me alive (dramatic, but true).  I listen to it pretty much 24/7; while I get ready, in the car, while I'm at work, and every moment I'm in my room.  While I strongly know and believe it is a blessing from God...I tend to use it as a way to numb my mind or escape processing my thoughts.  I would feel the urge to pray but say to myself, "I will just turn some worship music on."  So, this fast pushed me to seek God and enjoyment in Him.  I would ride to work with no music (my commute is 40 mins one way).  It allowed me to pray and spend time in silence, or some days I made up and sang my own worship songs haha.  I learned that I am a little bit scared of silence...but also realized that it is crucial.  The week helped me to feel less anxious..and it moments of worry to just pray when those thoughts entered my mind.  Of course it justified for me that music is a HUGE blessing.  Some of you may think this is a tad extreme...really girl?  A music fast?  Music is a good thing.  Yes, yes it is.  But food is a good thing too!  And people today and in the Bible fasted food.  Food is something you need to survive, as music is to me and many of us.  That is the point, you are giving up something essential and saying I want God even more.  Even more than the desire of food or whatever it is you are fasting.  Plus the hunger pains or silence remind you to rely on God for strength.  If you have never fasted anything, I strongly encourage you too.  As long as your motivation is to seek God through it.  
  So, here is what I have been learning through my music and social media fast.  I am still a complete and utter mess.  These past couple of weeks have allowed me to try and find enjoyment in God...what does that look like?  I have no idea.  It has been filled with ups and downs.  Usually I try to write in my blogs with complete thoughts and scripture to back up what I have been learning..this time I am writing in the midst of the battle and broken thoughts.
   As many of you know I started this blog as a testament to God and my struggle with an eating disorder.  And you may be surprised to know that three years later the battle with this disorder still continues.  Yes, I have gained weight and I'm no longer a slave to food, but the mental battle persists.  I feel like I am living in a place of being the girl that struggled with an eating disorder.  Like it is some big dark secret that I carry around with me.  I still feel chained to a sin that Jesus has died to free me of.  It is not that I feel the urge to starve myself anymore, but I do want to be healthy and lose a little weight.  I have tried eating less and exercising more...some weeks more than others.  Every time I step on the scale the weight is exactly the same...no matter the amount of my effort.  The last time I got on the scale God said,"love me more than the number on this scale".  I know that it hasn't changed because my heart is in losing weight and the concern of my self image.  My heart is not motivated to be healthy so I can better God's kingdom, it is to fit into some standard this world approves of.  I don't want to say that God is punishing me with the number on the scale, but He has made me realize that my heart is still sick.  That I need Him more everyday.  It is so embarrassing to sit here and write that three years later I am still struggling with this issue.  Yes, God is a healer.  And I do believe that He has brought me great strides in this battle!  Without His hope and challenge for an amazing life in His kingdom I would still be starving myself.  The thing about God is that He truly knows our hearts.  He knows that I still haven't fully given my trust and faith in this issue to Him.  So, if you are reading this and think...why would I want to be a follower of Jesus if you can't even be healed from this?  I can tell you that in this life everything will not be healed.  This may be one of my struggles that is never taken from me.  But I can live in the hope that one day it will be, and everyday it reminds me to give myself to God.  To learn to find my identity in Him.  Which is where I find joy, it never comes from meeting a goal and finding out the world still doesn't care.  I believe that I will overcome this by the grace of God.  I just don't know the timeline.
   Why am I admitting this on my blog?  Well, it is my introvert way of expressing my thoughts haha  And I hope it brings you encouragement.  You may not be struggling with your weight, but fill in the blank with what sin has been holding you captive.  God is a healer and is with us during the battle.  This week I was reminded of the story of David and Goliath.  And God spoke to me, "stop trying to fight your own battles; they are not yours to fight".  Just like in this story..David did not fight His own battle.  Yes, he took a step of faith to approach his enemy and actual giant...but do you really think a stone could kill a giant?  The Lord was his help.  David knew the Lord was good and trusted Him.  He was furious that anyone would defy the Lord!  And we should be mad that the enemy is trying to keep us and our friends/family from the love of God.  Our Lord is powerful, and loves to continuously save His people.  So, I am still a mess.  I think I will always be one...but through Jesus God loves me regardless of my messy heart.  And I will continue to seek Him.  It has brought me more joy than anything in this life.

"Your life is a love story in the midst of a life-and-death battle.  The beauty, the adventure, the intimacy-they are what are most real.  But it is a battle to gain them and battle to keep them.  A battle for your own heart and a battle for the hearts around you.  "The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is his name."  (Ex. 15:3)  Jesus fights on your behalf and on the behalf of those you love.  He asks you to join Him."
 -Captivating