shattered.

   If you find yourself reading this post (WARNING) it will be a bit different than my usual.  I have been overwhelmed the past few weeks with all of the talk of many issues in our society.  It seems that every facet of social media, television, or magazines have something to say about the subject of homosexuality.  I usually try to stay out of the talk of this topic because I am fearful.  I am fearful I will say something wrong, that I will misrepresent Jesus, or that I will hurt someones feelings.  This may not be a popular post...but I have something to say.  If you are reading this please read the whole post...I do not want you to be turned off by certain parts of it.

   The first thing I have to say as a Christian is I am sorry.  I am sorry for the way I misrepresent Jesus.  I am sorry for the way Christians say hurtful things and try to belittle people.  I am sorry that mean signs are painted and waved in peoples faces.  I know this isn't what Jesus died for...and it makes me sick to my stomach.  So, as a Christ follower I am apologizing for the ways we mess up.  For the way we try to follow Jesus and get it completely wrong.  But overall, we are humans.  We will not be perfect.  So please do not look to Christians to be perfect people.  The only hope of perfection is found in Jesus. 

    Now I bet a ton of you are sick of all the hypocrites.  I think one of main things I hear as a Christian is that we are a bunch of hypocrites...and you are right.  I promise we do not try to be..but again, we are not perfect.  The only way I am able to change is by the grace, mercy, and leading of God.  And for the sin I struggle with, God forgives me...as I come to Him and repent.  The crazy thing about the topic of homosexuality and people calling Christians hypocrites for speaking against it IS, if we did not we would be hypocrites....the Bible does call it a sin. So, for once we are not being hypocrites! (#PTL=praise the Lord)  That being said, the way we speak against it is often not healthy, or in a loving way.  And again, I apologize for that hurt.  The Bible says, "Don't you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God?  Don't fool yourselves.  Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people-none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.  Some of you were once like that.  But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." 1 Cor. 6:9-11.  These verses help us to see the many ways we are separated from God.  I have read several different versions of Bibles, and it is important to note the word "practice" is in front of the word homosexuality.  Or the phrase reads "or people who do sex sins with their own sex".  I believe that the practice or act of homosexuality is a sin...not the thoughts or overall struggle.  Let me give you a fabulous example of crossing the line from struggle to desire.  It comes from the book The Good and Beautiful Life by James Bryan Smith.  "One day I was walking on the beach with my brother, engaged in a deep conversation about God.  A beautiful young women in a bikini was walking in our direction, and of course we both noticed her.  When she passed by we looked at each other and said, 'Wow'.  Now, had we sinned at that point?  I don't think so.  If we had not noticed, we would not be sexual persons.  The response was completely acceptable in my view.  Now, had we turned and followed her, focusing our eyes on her body, dreaming of a sexual encounter with her, we would have sinned.  We would have crossed over from simple sexual attraction to epithumia (intentionally objectifying another person for one's own gratification.) But we didn't."  As a human I desire other things more than the Lord...I hate to admit that fact.  This does not mean that I am not a Christian.  It means that I need the Lord even more.  This verse also tells us the way for cleansing, the way to life, the way the void in your heart can be filled...It is by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and by the Spirit of God replacing the want and desires for those sins.  So, in summary, I am saying that in the worlds view you can be gay and be a Christian.  But with this title you cannot practice the act of sex with the same sex..and say it isn't a sin.  To struggle with homosexual thoughts is okay, and the same as struggling with the desire of money.  It is our brokenness.  But there is freedom from those struggles...and His name is Jesus.  Even though the world may refer to a Christian who struggles with homosexuality as gay or homosexual, God doesn't.  Here is a tidbit a friend of mine wrote, "Imagine then what a slap in the face it is to the God who offers us a new name for us to reject that name and be identified once again by the slavery he died to purchase us from?  My brother or sister who struggles with same sex attraction, but has placed his or her faith in Jesus is not gay in our Father's eyes.  He or she is a son or daughter that Jesus died to cleanse from ALL unrighteousness.  Now which is more important: what the world thinks of that brother or sister or what God thinks?"   I am not saying the life of struggling with homosexuality and being a Christian is easy.  But then again, if I am honest it isn't easy for people who are single Christians either.  There comes a point where your desire for God is worth more than anything.  I am a single girl, who is not dating or engaged.  I may never be married, and I may never have sex...but that is okay.  I know that God's intention for sexual actions are to be between a husband and wife, and are designed for my good.  I do not look at it as a hateful rule, but as a healthy way to live life and keep me from hurt, from the shame I would feel, and the empty void it would leave.  I am saying this because if I can do it, then someone who is gay and serves the Lord can too.

   Now for Christians, here is a verse that is not mentioned much, "When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin.  But I wasn't talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols.  You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that.  I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people.  Don't even eat with such people.  It isn't my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning.  God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, 'you must remove the evil person from among you'."  1. Cor. 5:9-13.  This is extreme, but I feel it is also overlooked.  This verse says judge those believers who say they love the Lord and practice the above sins.  It is not our responsibility to punish or judge non-believers.  If you think about it why would we hold them to the standards of the Bible?  If they have not accepted Jesus or even opened a Bible, we cannot expect them to live their lives according to what it says.  I don't know about you, but rarely have I wanted to change by someone pointing out my flaws and belittling me.  If Jesus points out a flaw he backs it with encouragement, with truth, with the promise of a life filled with meaning and help from the things that hold us captive.  So, instead of always looking outward and judging...let us look in the mirror, or in our own church.  I think there would be less hypocritical actions by Christians if we took this call seriously with our brothers and sisters in Christ.  By looking in the mirror we realize that we sin.  I am reminded of the woman caught in adultery (John 8)—“but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”  We all sin, and homosexuality is a real struggle.  Also, looking at the life of Jesus we see how he ate and lived among sinners.  How beautiful it is that a man who could do no wrong ate and talked among the lowest of people.  If Jesus could do that and we are considered the filthy people, how can we not?  I would challenge the church to love like Jesus.  Let us be a community that welcomes people in any step of life into a safe place where others can learn more about the Lord.  God has an amazing way of making messy and hard situations into a magnificent love story. 

    This topic is one that is so heavily debated because in our culture we think sex and our sexuality identifies us.  I read a blog this week and it made great points on this fact.  But do we really want to be defined by those things?  Do you feel whole by defining yourself on that basis?  We are more than just our sexuality.  We were made for more, and to the core most people feel this on an everyday basis.  It is hard to follow God, but it is the best decision I have made in my life.  Check out the story of the rich man (Mark 10:17-31.)  He obeyed every commandment of God but could not give up his love of money to follow Jesus.  You can substitute his love money for any idol in your life.  It is hard to give up things to God, but do you really want to be defined by money, success, or your sexuality?  Have those things given you joy and made you whole?  The promise of eternal life and love of Jesus here on earth will make you whole.  Our sexuality is a part of us, it is not the complete story.  

   If you find yourself reading this and have stopped following the Lord because Christians are hypocrites, you have missed the point of the gospel.  The point of it isn't a Christians life.  It will still be imperfect.  The point of the gospel is that your soul is saved.  That one day all of the hurt you feel will be gone.  That God loves you so much that He Himself sent us a son who died for our sins.  Those very sins that you think define you.  Those sins that make you cry at night and not want to get out of bed in the morning.  He lived on this very earth and suffered every hardship imagined, and He did it perfectly.  Because of this we are not separated from God.  Please do not let the imperfections of Christians separate you from the love of God, and of Jesus, that He died to give you.  There is healing, and there is a purpose for your life.  It is an exciting adventure that God wants to be a part of.  

  

In the midst.

   I have been learning a ton about beauty...and not the cheap materialistic beauty our culture lives for (re: my last blog.."she ain't got no money in the bank." ha)  Beauty that is found in people, creativity, and our world.  A week ago I ventured to the charming city of Washington D.C. for the first time.  I absolutely fell in love with the architecture of the buildings and the art in the museums.  It was enlightening to see the different types of paintings and sculptures all in one room.  I couldn't help but think about the artists who made them...how each of their pieces of art were a reflection or expression of what they were experiencing at a certain moment in life.  And now it is left behind for us to enjoy.  I think God intended for His creation to do this.  As He created the stars, oceans, and mountains for our enjoyment.
   One of the most memorable moments of my time in D.C. was walking into the National Cathedral.  It was absolutely breathtaking...so much that it brought tears to my friends eyes.  Now that is beauty.  Every inch of the building possessed some sort of creative and intricate detail.  So much thought and time went into creating this cathedral.  I know that some Christians today would say, "What a waste of money."  This is probably something I would have said a year ago.  We tend to think the money could have been used in a better way or given to a charity...maybe that is true.  But being in the Cathedral brought a peace to my heart.  It brought on a feeling and experience of realizing how beautiful God is.  That He doesn't want us to be people who just get by...but people who create and enjoy.  If we believe we are made in the image of God...we would be creators.  My hope and belief is the people who constructed the building did it as a gift to the Lord (obviously this isn't a requirement) but caused from a sense of overwhelming love for Him.  That every stone and tile was placed perfectly to fabricate a building so beautiful.  It is a place built by human hands in hopes to make something delightful for the Lord, but knowing that is not something He needs.  Beauty causes our hearts to skip a beat, and this proves that it is good.  This life isn't all about "doing" or "striving"...sometimes it is about recognizing the simple gifts God provides.  Such as beauty.
   The D.C. trip came at a perfect time for my soul.  God is restoring and teaching me about the need for creativity and fun in my life.  Sometimes I get so caught up in the mundane that I forget I have the opportunity to enjoy it.  One thing that brings a lot of joy to my life is music.  No, I cannot play any instruments (once I could play frosty the snowman on the flutophone #whattup).  But I love listening to music.  It is one of those things that spices up life.  It makes putting the clean dishes away fun...or keeps you alive when you are driving 3 to 4 hours on the highway.  Not only is it enjoyable but it is necessary.  It allows you to voice opinions and be vulnerable without standing up and saying, "hey, listen to my thoughts in boring sentence form."  It gives you the chance to reveal real feelings, and they do not always have to be positive ones.  It allows you to ache.  And as a person who listens to tons of different artists..it gives me the chance to relate.  One of the coolest things I read this week was Psalm 33:3 "Sing a new song of praise to Him; play skillfully on the harp, and sing with joy."  I liked how it says skillfully.  I believe in my heart that any singing or playing is music to the Lord.  But this verse points to how it is good to practice, and be conscience of the music you play and create.  When playing for the Lord you would want it to be your best, right?
   This leads me to the best part of the trip....the twenty one pilots concert.  What an incredible night.  From waiting outside in the freezing cold with one of my best friends to meeting some amazing new girls while in line.  I really respect the music these guys create.  It always makes me think.  It always helps me in moments of sadness or joy.  I'm not sure if all of their lyrics are about God...but when I sing them they are.  To me they show how it is hard to have a relationship with God.  That some days you feel empty, and others you know the only reason for life is to glorify Him.  So many of their songs have helped me cry out to the Lord.  If you love their songs you must see them perform.  They perform with purpose..and you can see the joy it brings them.  For me it was amazing to sing the lyrics in a packed room of people.  Especially the lyrics, "we're broken people."  Talk about experiencing some freedom.  My heart felt free admitting that to the Lord...and I felt I was in a room singing with people who really meant it.  One of the interesting things Tyler said twice was "what are you searching for?"  Of course that made me think.  We are all searching for something different.  In that moment I was so happy to know Jesus.  So happy to know that my heart isn't restlessly searching anymore.  Sure, I still don't know what I want to do with my life.  Some days I feel completely lost.  But one thing I know is that my hope is in something much bigger.  That I am saved and called to help heal a broken world with Jesus.  That is something worth finding.  So I am thankful for the moments that God places in my life to refresh my soul and help me focus.  I am super thankful that He does it in memorable ways.  How can I forget jumping to some of my favorite songs and touching the world's grossest/wet arm (it was a girls ha).  I am thankful for Jesus and that we are called to be creative, inspiring, and to embrace beauty.

So, if Tyler and Josh ever read this...thanks for doing what you love, you inspire. #thanks (I will regret that hashtag one day.)

“If I learned anything from thinking about my father, it's that there is a force in the world that doesn't want us to live good stories. It doesn't want us to face our issues, to face our fear and bring something beautiful into the world. I guess what I am saying is, I believe God wants us to create beautiful stories, and whatever it is that isn't God wants us to create meaningless stories, teaching the people around us that life just isn't worth living.”  --Donald Miller



 

glimmer.

   They say in the moments of sadness and hardship you find out what you really love...or believe in.  I am still in the rut of being jobless and wondering what I am doing with my life.  There have been extreme ups and downs in the past few weeks.  But I am still learning what a relationship and love for the Lord really consists of.
   A passage of scripture that has so much meaning to me lately is Deuteronomy 6.  "Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone.  And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.  And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today.  Repeat them again and again to your children.  Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up.  Tie them to your hands and wear them on your foreheads as reminders.  Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."
   One of the first commands mentioned in the passage is to NOT worship other gods...or make idols.  When I really take a look at my life I have many idols.  My brain is flooded with thoughts of how to make myself "better", jobs I would love to have, and the constant stress and pressure of never measuring up.  My idols point back to the brokenness of my heart...and the lack of trust that God will do what His word says.  The verses in Deuteronomy let me know that a part of my daily routine should be reminding myself of the gospel and God's promises.  The goodness in His word always rests my heart...even if it doesn't fix a problem right away.  I know my hardest days are when I am not listening to or thanking God for His love and provision.  In this passage it also says "And the Lord our God commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear him so he can continue to bless us and preserve our lives, as he has done to this day.  For we will be counted righteous when we obey all the commands the Lord our God has given us."  The Lord promises that obeying Him will lead to blessings and provision.  This does not mean I will get everything I ask for...but He has taken care of His children correctly for years.  Why do I expect that He doesn't know how to provide for His children He created and designed?
   God has been telling me to surrender my fears and idols to Him.  Of course this is terrifying.  For some reason I like to try and hide my insecurities from the Lord.  When in reality I should be inviting Him into those broken parts of my life.  When I accepted Jesus as my savior He wanted and still wants to mend those wounds that hold me in fear and sadness.  I just have to profess that I need help with the idols that distract me from knowing who I am.  In our society surrendering means that you have given up, which is shameful...and that you were not worthy of winning.  But when you surrender your life to the Lord He meets you with peace.  Peace and rest from the worries of this world.
   So here I am wrestling with the idol of money.  Not because I want more so I can buy a pair of fancy boots, but I view it as a sense of security.  I am worried,broke, and not looking forward to making this months upcoming payments.  I am learning to lean on the Lord to provide..because as He cares for birds and flowers, He will give me the necessary needs to survive.  I am a broken mess, and sometimes I really question what being a Christian means.  I can tell you that being a Christian does not make life easier...but I cannot imagine life without a relationship with the Lord.  Even though life is hard and sometimes I want to give up, the little glimpses of hope and love of Jesus make it worth it.

submerged.

   WOAH.  It has been over a month since my last post.  The truth is I have spent most of my time trying to avoid writing and processing what is going on in my life.  This move has been harder on me and my relationship with the Lord than I expected.  One thing I have learned and realized about myself is that I tend to have the most joy when things are smooth in life...meaning that tough circumstances cause my joy in the Lord to falter.  Therefore, is my joy really from the Lord and the knowledge of His love and sacrifice for me?  Or is it in success and worldly affairs?
   I am still learning about the culture and lifestyle of Chapel Hill.  But, honestly I have spent a lot of time hiding and be unhappy with my life.  I can't help but feel like I should be doing more, or something different, or something "cooler".  The strange thing is I do not even know what that "something" is.  I feel like I have been constantly broken down to the point of not knowing who I am or even what I'm passionate about.  Yes, I know that I am a loved daughter of the Lord.  I know my overall purpose in this life...but I know that God created us each with a specific purpose and with talents we posses to share with this world.  He designed us to thrive and enjoy the gifts of this world (after all, He did create the world--just not the mess we have made it).  That said, I feel like I have lost the ability to determine what I really enjoy doing--because it always seems to become an idol or something that is snatched away from me.  This past month has been a reflection of how truly broken my heart is.  How much I really want to belong to anything...to do something great, to make a difference.
   This week was definitely a breaking point for me.  It has been years since I have spent so much time crying or feeling sorry for myself.  That is thing--I am so concerned with myself.  I am looking for fulfillment in a job that has a prestigious title, for hobbies that are praised, and for a comfortable lifestyle.  I have none of those things right now.  God knows what He is doing and I have to trust that fact.  I have spent the past month crying out to the Lord to just give me the things I "want".  The crying out was not a waste....and in a way my prayers have been answered.  I am not getting those wants.  He wants me to want Him the most.  So even though I have been crying, I was crying for relief from circumstances in my life.  Not for more of the Lord..."So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so He can show you His love and compassion.  For the Lord is a faithful God.  Blessed are those who wait for His help." --Isaiah 30:18   It is comforting to know that even though I am waiting for help I never have to wait for His love.  It is time for me to accept the fact that no matter what I am loved by Him.
   I spend so much time searching for happiness.  I keep thinking of where I will be next year, what do I want to do as my career, and when will I have my dream job?  I spend so much time thinking about the future that I am missing out on life now.  God is calling me to enjoy the place I am now.  So, I am going to give Chapel Hill a chance and stop thinking that it is just a place I will be for a few months.  The truth is I have no clue how long I will call this place home.
   So, I am 23 and still figuring out who I am.  Instead of being sad about that I am going to try and be a little more adventurous.  Is there a better way to find out what you love and enjoy doing?  Here is a motivating song lyric for when you feel like you are drowning.  Our God is one who redeems.  A God who works through situations that seem completely hopeless.

"Are you searching for purpose?

Then write something, yeah it might be worthless

Then paint something then, it might be wordless

Pointless curses, nonsense verses

You'll see purpose start to surface

No one else is dealing with your demons

Meaning maybe defeating them

Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend"

-Twenty One Pilots (you all knew that was coming:D)

a new song.

   I am in Chapel Hill!!!! (Note: the exclamation points describe my excitement) That said, this is the first time in over two weeks that I have had time to process anything.  And it seems that I may have a few more days with the job hunt process going slowly..

   I've had time to think about how much God blessed me on the Outer Banks.  Seriously, if you ever want to hear what you mean to people tell them you are moving, receive praise and gifts, and then do not move (kidding).  I am so thankful for everyone that God put in my life on that beach.  I learned so much about how to love people unconditionally by putting them before my own needs.  There were many nights when all I wanted to do was go to bed and be alone...but I was blessed by late night conversations.  God did so much work on my heart and relationship with Him.  I can say truly that a fall and winter on the beach broke me down.  He took everything I was comfortable with away from me and forced me to have faith and rely only on Him.  I am thankful for that.  He has helped me relax, not be so hard on myself, and to learn that Jesus is worthy of all of my plans and dreams.  

   Even though things in my life were taken away...I was blessed with more than I ever deserved.  I was blessed with a loving church, a fun job, little brothers, and a wonderful unique community.  I think one of His coolest provisions were close girl friends.  I have never been a girl who had many girls I felt comfortable opening up with.  He blessed me with some awesome girls I can share anything with, and who speak encouragement and love into my life.  Most importantly, girls I will love and keep in touch with forever.  Many times I felt useless and like I did nothing on the Outer Banks...but I was reminded that simply loving people is God's work.  Even though I wanted to work through an organization or official title, God showed me His work is done by just living life with others.  This is a lesson that Liberty church taught me.  It is a community that intensely loves because it is surrounded by so much brokenness.  It taught me the true healer in this world is Jesus.  That people can love with extreme passion because they have felt so much pain, but found joy and life in Jesus.   I cannot count the number of times I cried in that church.  But the memory fresh in my mind was being prayed for and sent out from the same steps that caught so many of my tears.  

   So here I am...writing in my new room.  These few days haven't consisted of much, mostly job hunting and relaxing.  It has been a cultural shock already though...why is everyone wearing shoes?? And everyone runs here.  I mean EVERYONE.  I think I saw a baby running today (half kidding).  There are so many little things I have noticed about how people operate here.  I hope to embrace this change and give some new things a shot...oh, I bought some organic peanut butter today.  It's pretty good. haha  On a serious note I am glad to be here.  I am not quite sure what the Lord wants me to do here...but I know he has a great plan.  I am praying that I would have an open heart to His calling.  So for now I will continue to apply for jobs and pray (if you are reading this lift up a prayer for job provision).  A new adventure with the Lord as my guide awaits. 

even now.

   It seems that I have been in a bit of a rut lately.  I know these things are bound to happen in life.  We have days that cause us to skip with joy and others we would like to forget.  These past two weeks have been hard.  I think I have let the busyness of life overtake my time that I need as an introvert to process and relax.  Through it all I have felt distant from God.  Not that He isn't there...just that I am not  resting or listening to Him.  I can tell this has lead me to a place of exhaustion and lack of joy.
   Taking it back a couple of weeks....I have made the decision to move.  This both terrifies and excites me!  God is calling me to fully trust in Him and move to a new place with no job or plans.  My whole past year has been a journey of trusting the Lord and letting Him break me of my love of control.  I feel like it has been training for this upcoming move...or total leap of faith.  So, with this leap of faith I am struggling.  I constantly worry about how I will pay my rent and loans when I move...oh and I just mentioned how I do not have a secured job.  I have been praying everyday that the Lord would provide a job for me...It is so hard to be okay with His timing.
   While at church last Sunday the sermon just happened to be on anxiety and peace.  Good one God.  It  really spoke to my heart.  I knew that I was having spiritual issues...but the Lord revealed that I was not surrendering things to Him.  He was letting me know that my anxious heart was crying for attention...and I was "running" on my own strength.  The problem with running on my own strength is that it is not fulfilling.  If I am not running towards the end goal or my hope in the Lord, than I am running towards things that will not last.  It is exhausting.  This Sunday the lyrics of a song stuck with me..."many waters cannot quench this thirst".  I am running and I am thirsty.  Jesus promises us the living water that will finally satisfy our need for love.  So often I am looking for an answered prayer or some more money to pay bills or a new shirt to fill me up.  While those things are blessings...they are not what completes me.  My relationship with God does.  He wants me to come to Him with every need, hurt, and concern.
   The sermon on anxiety used the verses Philippians 4:6-9.  "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.  And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing.  Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.  Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me-everything you heard from me and saw me doing.  Then the God of peace will be with you."  My first reaction to this was great, another anxiety sermon on the most popular "stress verses".  But as the verses were broken down, I realized that I do not actually put these truths into practice.  God challenged me to put them into practice this week.  That said, this is the week I got into my first car accident.  Everyone was fine, but my parents car and pride were dented.  Perfect opportunity to practice this truth?  I spent that day sulking and stressing...but that night realized that I had the chance to either sit in that place of sadness or give it to the Lord.  After praying and resting I knew that God was offering me the chance to wake up the next day to a fresh morning.  This week has still had its up and downs...but I am learning to think of the good and pure things even when work gets stressful or things are falling apart.  This lesson is tough but freeing.
   Some of my crappy situations and circumstances still exist.  But Jesus offers support during these times...not an escape plan.  He gives us peace even when things are hard.  I think of Jesus on the cross. He had to endure the worst type of death possible...but God didn't change His plan so that He did not have to endure that pain and suffering.  God got Him through it.  My circumstances will not always change so that things are easy and painless.  I know that the Lord is working things in my life so that His plan will be carried out.  Jesus had to suffer so that we could gain a new and amazing life with God.  I may have to suffer so that others will come to know Jesus, or so that I will be pruned and refined to look more like Jesus.  So even when it's tough....I say thank you Lord for my life.  Thank you for the struggles that make this journey with you worth it.  Thank you that you redeem my mistakes, never define me by my sin, and love me even when I throw fits.  Thanks for this summer and for the friendships that I will forever cherish.  Thanks that you are calling me to a new place.

Here is to the next step--hello to my soon to be home...Chapel Hill.
 

I'm seeing stars.

   So my social media fast is over!  What an amazing week filled with unexpected joy.  I went into this fast with many expectations of hearing answers from the Lord and obtaining more knowledge about scripture...quite the opposite happened.  I had done a social media fast in the fall and spent countless hours reading the Bible, listening to sermons, and enjoying worship music.  That fast was amazing and refreshing, and was what I needed at that point in my life.  This time the Lord met me in a different way.
   I have been learning the lesson of relaxing and just enjoying the Lord's presence and timing in my life.  This lead to a week of no plans...starting with my birthday.  God blessed me with a wonderful day!  I barely made plans and somehow it worked out to where I got to see and spend time with people in my life whom I love dearly.  The love shown to me by friends and family displayed how the Lord cares for me through people around me.  He reminded me that I am His loved and cherished daughter.
  During this fast I was constantly challenged to let go of my plans and to enjoy the spontaneous provision of the Lord.  He seems to breaking some of my anxiety and control issues of having to make perfect plans...and to make sure they are carried out "correctly".  While I did read and pray during this fast, I spent the majority of my time with friends and just enjoying God's creation.
  My favorite night of the fast happened to be on July fourth.  This day started out a little rough and work was stressful...but it ended with me feeling refreshed and overjoyed.  I got to meet some friends on the sand dunes to watch fireworks and enjoy being outside (side note: the weather was perfect).  I almost stayed at home that night due to a terrible mood...I'm so happy that I prayed and asked God to redeem the day/evening.  That night I star gazed with a friend on her back porch overlooking the sound.  The Lord's presence was very heavy.  We listened to worship music and rested.  At first I had a hard time letting my mind and thoughts cease, but my friend reminded me to enjoy the moment.  After that conversation I could really let go.  We saw so many shooting stars and I overall I felt refreshed and just excited to be there.  While looking at the stars I thought about how beautiful they are.  How there are so many of them closely together...and how they do nothing.  They do nothing and are absolutely beautiful.  They are called stars and that is all they are...it reminded me of being one of God's children.  I get so caught up in going and doing and planning that I forget who I am, and what I'm called.  I am called a child of the Lord.  I didn't do anything to be called that..and I still do not have to work legalistically to obtain that name.  As God's children we are beautiful because of Jesus.  Because of Jesus we do not have to "do" anything to please or gain God's grace.  It is freely provided and we can rest in it.
  Even though I didn't spend the same amount of time and effort digging into scripture and sermons...the Lord spoke to me.  He taught me that it is not all about knowledge.  While obtaining more Biblical knowledge is wonderful, it is not the only element to a relationship with the Lord.  Sometimes you just have to step back and let God love you.  It felt wonderful to have a moment where I didn't feel like I had to be accomplishing something or coming up with a plan to change the many flaws I have.
  2 Samuel 14:14, "All of us must die eventually.  Our lives are like water spilled out on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again.  But God does not just sweep life away; instead, he devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from him."  The Lord does not want to leave me in my brokenness....and through Jesus I am not defined by it.  He is continuously drawing my eyes back towards Him.

my heart skips.

   Tonight I am reflecting on this past year.  Why?  Because tomorrow I turn twenty-three.  Looking back at twenty-two, it has sure been one crazy year.  I've told several people this year seemed to be one of "No's".  A word that most of us do not like to hear.  It has been one that consisted of many days that it was hard to smile, nights where all I could do was cry, but yet one that has forced me to really figure out what I believe in...and where I find hope.
   It seemed that every plan I had devised or dreamed of was just out of reach.  I began to come up with back up plans...thinking they would suffice.  I am so thankful that the Lord spoke to me in the moments I was trying to create those escape plans.  So many things I lost control of.  It seemed that left and right I was being told that I could not have the "desires" of my heart.  Truth is, I don't even know the true desires of my heart.  The Lord who created me does.
  With all of that said, this year has lead me to a place where I am completely ecstatic.  While reading the story about Elijah in 1 Kings 17:1-9, I could relate with how he was being broken down to rely on the Lord.  God was teaching him the lesson of complete dependence...Elijah even had to rely on the Lord to provide his food and water, his most basic necessities.  I feel like I am still being pruned to shed the things that steal my eyes from God.  While this is painful and hard, it is also exciting.  How wonderful it is to know the Lord loves me so much that He wants me to enjoy His presence more than anything.  He is helping me to fall even more in love with Him by clearing idols in my life...and He is continuously calling me to the life of freedom He offers.
  So, the journey of learning to relax and rest in the Lord has been going well.  I have not made a list of goals in over three weeks!  It has been nice to see God work in the everyday aspects of my life...and to enjoy the surprises He blesses me with.  An example would be seeing how He has used my time in Greenville and the Outer Banks to preach the gospel to my heart.  They are two locations that I never necessarily would have seen myself living...especially not loving.  He took two places that I saw in my mind as extra broken, full of sin, and even gross, and showed me beauty.  That is us as humans.  We are broken and sinful...and God can still create a beautiful story out of us.  I fell in love with Jesus in a dirty college town, and I am learning to find my hope and worth in a town where so many are hopeless.    God uses dirty sinful people to glorify Him.  How loving He is.  From a place I never wanted to be, I can now smile and say that I am not only happy, not only blessed, but filled with the love and joy of the Lord.
  

to give it all.

   It's summertime!  I guess I'm ready for all of the craziness the tourists will bring...not so much the traffic though haha  It is odd that the Lord is teaching me the lesson of relaxation at a time such as this.  Maybe that is the point, to find rest in the Lord in the busyness of life.  If I can do it during a hectic summer I will be set for life...hopefully.  I feel so strange telling people that I am learning the lesson of relaxation but suffering through it haha  They are probably thinking, "wow, relaxing sounds SO hard."   And yes, yes it is.  My whole life i've been powering through trying to accomplish something, or become a better version of myself.  This has left me pretty exhausted.  My heart is being pruned to understand what freedom in Jesus means...and even more so to rest in the message he preached.
   So last week I had a good car cry (crying in the car while driving).  If you have experienced this...own it!  If you have never given it a shot, could be freeing haha  Anyway, while crying the car all I could think is "I'm trying so hard and things are still a mess."  That's it though....I'M trying so hard.  I felt like God was telling me that He never asked me to try so hard.  I have been placing myself under false standards and hopes that will never be fulfilling.  Now I'm asking myself, what are my heart motives for trying so hard??
   I started taking a discipleship class at my church based on the book The Prodigal God by Tim Keller. The book is written in response to the parable of the lost son (Luke 15:11-31).  When I was first told about the class I wondered what more could I really learn from this well-known parable.  Usually at the mention of Luke 15 I automatically zone out or prepare myself mentally for the same message and points.  Cool thing about God is that He is absolutely endless.  His knowledge and depth of His word will always outweigh my mental capacity and understanding.  With that said, I have learned some new things from the parable of the lost son.  The main one being how icky my heart really is.  Tim Keller is pointing out how this parable is really about two lost sons.  The younger one who was lost as he left home on the journey of self discovery and to live in obvious sin.  And the elder brother who stayed at home and obeyed all the rules and moral codes of conduct that made up "right" living.  The reality is they were both lost.  One son had wandered away from God, and the other was so focused and wrapped up in rules that He had lost sight of the Lord.  The book says, "There are two ways to be your own Savior and Lord.  One is by breaking all the moral laws and setting your own course, and one is by keeping all the moral laws and being very, very good."  From this Keller defines sin not just as breaking the rules...but as putting ourselves in the place of God as Savior, Lord, and Judge.  What a wake up call.  As much as I hate to admit it....I lean more towards the heart of the elder brother.  The fact that I'm asking God how come all of my efforts are still contributing to a mess means that I haven't fully grasped the freedom of the gospel.
  This realization has been both freeing and frustrating.  Frustrating because all I seem to know how to do is work and change to get things done.  My obsession with control has led me to want the life plan I think God should offer to me...but not what is most glorifying to Him.  Even to my broken and icky heart God provides something so much different.  As Keller states it, "The gospel is distinct from both approaches: In its view, everyone is wrong, everyone is loved, and everyone is called to recognize this and change."  Change in the gospel sense is not exhausting.  It doesn't lead to endless hours of planning or stress...but it is turning towards Jesus and letting him kindly guide you.  It happens over time in the moments of life, and it is based on the hope of what we will one day be when in heaven with God.
   So here I am...two weeks later after having made my initial stance of letting God take control.  It has not been easy, but I will admit that it has been unpredictable and fun.  The Lord is speaking to my heart....now I must listen.

"Our final concern is not career or ministry or reputation but whether through the course of our lives we grow in the saving grace of Christ, living and working in such a way that others might know him." -- Gordon T. Smith

expectations.

  So by now I'm sure everyone I know probably thinks I'm a little crazy.  If you have talked to me in the past month you know my situation of struggling with my calling and purpose.  And here we are again...but there is new light in the dilemma.  The wonderful thing about friends and community is that they are able to help you see the problem from another perspective.  A friend recently asked me would Jesus be enough even if I was never sent out on an exact mission?  My type A heart cringed.  She was not saying that God wouldn't use me in the mission of everyday life...but what if I never had an exact mission in the form of a title or job description.  As much as it hurts to say this...I finally realized that a call has become an idol to me.  Funny (or ironic) how even something good can snatch your eyes away from what really matters.  

  My expectation of having an exact purpose and job has stolen my joy.  I have been thinking about expectations a lot lately...I feel like I constantly have expectations of the way my life is supposed to play out.  If I am hanging out with a friend or attending a church service I create in my head how conversations or services will go.  This is so frustrating to me.  My expectations never live up to what actually happens in life.  Sometimes they are better...and most of the time they are something I couldn't have even imagined.  That is that problem though, why do I always try to plan out my future?  Why do I sit around and come up with scenarios, that will most likely never happen.  It definitely points back to my problem with control.

   No one will ever live up to all of my expectations...not even Jesus.  He will exceed them.  While reading Psalm 73 this week it was brought to my attention that finding my purpose or role in this world has become an idol.  This Psalm talks about how we look at people and envy their lives...how come they are perfect, they are worshiping worldly idols but their lives seem flawless.  Verses 13-14, "Did I keep my heart pure for nothing?  Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?  I get nothing but trouble all day long; every morning brings me pain."  I literally felt like I was asking those questions...God I have done everything I can think of, why have you not provided what I want?  This is a bad place to be.  Verses 21-22, "Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.  I was so foolish and ignorant-I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you."  I have become bitter by so desperately needing an answer from God...even though it is not a bad to thing to think that I am designed for more, that I was redeemed for a reason, that God has an exciting mission for me...it has without a doubt clouded my vision from seeing a loving God.  Verses 23-25, "Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  I desire you more than anything on earth."  And here starts my journey to desire the Lord more than anything on earth...

  How awesome it is to know that through my crazy control problems I am still loved by the Lord.  I am not hating on type A people...God designed them for a reason (we get the job done..and on time! ha).  We are the hands and feet of the Lord on this earth right?  But a good thing has turned into an obsession...pretty much a trend in my life.  After reading some scripture the other night I literally had to stop myself from making a to-do list of summer goals.  This is me trying to let go, trying to expect less by expecting God to step in and do so much more.  I am learning to love and live without an agenda (this literally terrifies me).  Psalm 73 verse 28, "But as for me, how good it is to be near God!  I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do."  It sure is hard to tell a person about something you love if you haven't fully experienced the joy of it.  I am learning to love the Lord with all of my heart.  This phase is crucial for any Christian.  

  In my mind this adventure is like the beginning of summer when you stand on the dunes of the beach and see the ocean in the distance.  During the winter I would ride on the beach road with my windows rolled down and the heat blasting just so I could smell the salt air.  In those moments you cannot wait until the time you will be able to swim in the ocean.  You wait for the day it is warm enough to stand on the dunes and know that you can jump in.  I like to think that fulfilling my calling and seeing the full glory of God in heaven will be like that.  The anticipation may be hard...but it is worth it.  The smell of the salt air keeps you going.  The fact that summer is nearing brings hope to your ocean starved body.  The hope that I will see Jesus in heaven keeps me going.  His promises are good.  They will never be what I expect.  For my small human heart does not even dream that big.  Here is to the journey...to the adventure of falling even more in love with Jesus. 

"adventure in theory is full of excitement and bleeds with passion for life-but adventure in reality is full of breathless moments, silent nights, and wounds that leave scars and memories on a heart." -- melissa helser 

Even an adventure is tough...in those moments I must remember that "God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:26

broken people.

   And the Lord speaks.  Life over the past few weeks has been very exciting.  I have been blessed with the opportunity to attend events such as graduation and a wedding.  Basically, occasions that represent an accomplishment and an invitation to something new and unknown.  It is amazing to see how the Lord has provided for my friends, and where He is leading them in their next step of life.  With that said, I still feel like I am just sitting in this huge "pool" of unknown.  When I look around I do not see any sides to the pool...just endless water.  Exciting?  More like exhausting.  Which way do I wade?
   So, tonight I'm at church and I am praying for the Lord to speak directly to me using scripture or a person.  I have done this before and the Lord has spoken.  I do not always do this...and sometimes I feel needy when I'm asking the Lord for this type of specific answer.  But as His child I love to come to Him for guidance.  I asked Him to speak a specific chapter of scripture as an answer to a question.  The cool thing was He answered...but not with the scripture I prayed about.  Wow, God answering me His way instead of in my own fashion? (sarcasm)  A girl handed me a piece of paper with Psalm 91:11-12 written on it, "For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go.  They will hold you up with their hands so you won't even hurt your foot on a stone."  The Lord speaks and He provides rest to my weary heart.  This Psalm has been brought to my attention a few times over the last few months...either in sermons or by friends.  It is neat that we can read something and think we understand it all, but God knows when a lesson hasn't yet been learned.  It delivers peace to my heart to know the Lord is with me wherever I go.  Not that I know where I am going...but I'm beginning to learn a little about freedom in the Lord.
  I think the thing that scares me the most about identifying a calling or plan for my life is that my selfish heart could be making the shots.  Or maybe, one day I will wake up and hate where I chose to live or work.  This is why I want a specific call from God, because with everything else I am so fickle.  The last thing I want to do is to make a rash decision about where the Lord is leading me.  It is comforting to know that the Lord will always be there to rescue me--Psalm 91:14-16.
   I feel like I learn the same lesson a million times.  This points to how I turn from God and try to come up with my own solutions to problems.  I am learning that it is never a bad thing to continuously seek guidance and encouragement from the Lord.  He did create me.  He loves me unconditionally.  He likes to hear from me....and to personally speak to me.  I pray to live a life that glorifies Him.

"I do not know why I would go
In front of you and hide my soul
Cause you're the only one who knows it,
Yeah you're the only one who knows it"  --Twenty One Pilots

Those lyrics have been in my head all week.  Only the Lord knows me best.  He has created me with unique gifts that I have the privilege to use in service to Him.  Maybe the when and where are not the biggest questions?  I'm thanking God that He has created me to thrive in some part of this broken world.  Thriving off of His love and guidance and not worldly passions...but being sent into a place where I can "fan into flames the spiritual gift" God has given me (2 Tim. 1:6-7). 

and grace set me free.

  I need to be reminded of the gospel today...well not just today, but everyday.  Something I fail to do is preach this lovely message to myself daily.  The past week has been completely insane and hectic.  Summer is just around the corner and my schedule is filled with helping friends move, attending exciting events, and assisting my parents with the cleaning process in hopes to sell our house and move.            Today was yard sale day.  It has been exhausting carrying items up and down stairs and making the final decision of whether to sell the red stuffed animal dog or not.  But the feeling of getting rid of all the "junk" is a freeing one.  Even though putting on a yard sale and moving is hard work, it's worth it.  The breath you take in your new house is refreshing and long awaited.  Accepting Jesus into your life and continuously following him to get rid of the junk that suffocates you is worth it.  Sometimes it seems like hard work to believe the gospel, but it is always that breath of fresh air at the end of a job well done.  Except it doesn't matter if you did the job well....the message of the gospel is always the same.  

  Many people believe that being a Christian means following a long list of rules.  I didn't murder anyone today...so where is my gold star??  It is not about following a list a rules.  It is about loving and serving an amazing God.  Like in any relationship you want to supply love and care to the other person.  I do not do good things because God will smite me if I don't...I do them out of love for Him.  He loves to see his children respond to His kindness by loving others.  Serving God brings joy to my heart.  If it doesn't I am performing actions and deeds for some form of personal praise or other gain.  Looking at the gospel from a view of do's and don'ts will never bring about its full meaning.  The world is full of do's and don'ts...Jesus brought us freedom.  Freedom from the weight of sin.  And he invites us to live in his light daily.  

  Some people also wonder why the bible is filled with stories of people who constantly turn to sin, murder, cheat, lie, and the list continues.  Well, in reality that is what we all do.  Our hearts trick us into wanting to run to worldly fixes and addictions.  It is much easier for me to just give in instead of turning to God.  But giving in always leaves me feeling empty.  Remembering that Jesus was sent to save me and give me life even when I make mistakes is freeing.  So, I am happy the bible tells stories about people who messed up.  I mess up.  Those life stories point to the love and redemption that God offers. It shows us that we can not do it alone...and that life isn't all about us.  One of my favorite pictures the bible paints is in the story of David.  He is called a man after God's own heart..but he still made many mistakes.  He tried to make his own plan to become king...but it failed, and yet he is still called a man after God's heart.  That is exhilarating to me because I try to make my own plans to fulfill what I think God has called me to do.  Even though I am human and make errors I am still loved and invited into life and mission with Jesus.  My evil heart is restored and shaped to be more like His...not by my own doing, but through Jesus.  The bible is encouraging because it proves that God's plan will reign, and that He will use broken people to carry it out.

  Just like the process of moving, selling, and painting to create a beautiful home to enjoy...I feel like remembering and living the gospel can be compared.  I feel like I am constantly being shaped and changed by God everyday.  I have to move things out of my life that are not healthy and pure.  Sometimes a new paint job is needed to hide my flaws from the world (this is NOT a part of the gospel but something I tend to do).  And I move to follow God's call for my life.  This entire process is hard work...but looking forward to a beautiful home in heaven makes it worth it.  And this work here on earth is preparing me for the joy of praising God for eternity.  Overall,  I am learning that the gospel is growing deeper into the love of God, accepting the healing He offers, seeing His redemption, and telling others of this glorious love and mission.  While the process may seem strenuous the grace and provision of God are not.  The gospel does not call us to work hard in order to get results..but I think the hard work is learning to accept that.  I cannot work to make God love me more...oh what wonderful news.  

the chance to share His unfailing love.

  My heart is overwhelmed with joy.  I had an absolutely amazing time with friends this weekend.  It felt just like old times for us three to be together hanging out at the beach.  But things are noticeably different now...we have grown up so much.  The joke of the "freshmen" version of my friends was thrown around a lot.  While we can gladly reminisce, we can also thank God for the ways He has shaped us through these past couple of years.  We have each had our own fair shares of struggles and trials, but those struggles and lessons learned have led us to where we are today.  I am so proud of my friends for the ways they have said yes to Jesus, and continue to let him guide their lives.
  The highlight of the weekend was the chance to see the work of my family in Christ.  The pastor of my church allowed my friend to stand up during a class and say a few words about his upcoming mission trip to Ireland, and the need for financial support.  The key thing to realize is that no one knew Kevin, my pastor had not even met him before this announcement.  At the end of class Kevin and Emily were prayed for and people came over interested in partnering with him.  During the prayer I was tearing up.  The love of God's people was shown in such a unique and unforgettable way.  I hope this happens in churches everywhere.  That as brothers and sisters in Christ we can walk into a church and feel loved and at home.  We have to remember that God's Kingdom is so much bigger than we realize.  In that moment I felt so incredibly loved by God.  I wasn't even the one receiving money or prayer..but I was reminded that God provides.
  I know so many people who are being called to leave their comfortable lifestyle or college town to go out and show people the love of Jesus.  I do not have this calling, but I know that I am a part of their missions.  Hebrews 10:24-25 "Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.  And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near."  It is important as believers to have churches and groups of friends that can meet together and support one another.  I know that I am to love and encourage my friends who are being sent out to unfamiliar places.  Luke 8:1-3 also calls me to support their mission with my own resources.  I feel lucky to have this opportunity.  The love of God is truly overwhelming, and I want to see people all over experience His love and freedom.


p.s.  If you would like to financially support Kevin on his trip you can message me for more info!  Also, pray for him and the courage to rely on God for the provision of funds and that people in Ireland would come to know Jesus.  Here is the link to his blog-- http://killingapathy.blogspot.com/

I will wait.

   I am completely obsessed with my future.  Everyday I am wondering, thinking, and praying about where I should be...or what I should be doing.  I always feel like I should be doing more or something better, this is so far from the truth.  My heart has been all over the place.  It is crazy how you think you are incredibly passionate about things but doors are not opened for those passions to be played out.  I know I still have a heart for college students--it was during those years that Jesus swept me up with His overwhelming love.  I have a heart for college students who feel broken down, not accepted, and doing anything and everything to receive love.  How they try to find their worth and identity in relationships, knowledge, and the pursuit of success.  I have been in all of those categories.  I understand what it feels like to go to college and have all of these roads before me.  I also know what it is like to experience the love and grace of Christ during my college years.  I want to love college students and I want to see them know Jesus.  The thing that confuses me is how the Lord will use me to do this....obviously, it is not the way I planned.
   I must wait patiently on the Lord to reveal His plan to me.  The past couple of weeks the same psalm has been brought up in my life.  Verse 14 in psalm 27 has particularly struck me.."Wait patiently for the Lord.  Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."  Patience, ughhhh.  Isn't a year of waiting on the Lord to reveal my calling enough?  I feel like our society struggles so much with patience.  We think that we deserve and must know everything instantly.  Any information you need to know you can punch into your computer or smart phone and have the answer immediately.  Who needs to toast a poptart when you can toss it into the microwave for ten seconds??  We feel the same way about answers from God.  I know in my heart that everything in my life has happened according to plan.  God has taught me beautiful lessons according to His timing...now to remember that everyday.  Like David I need to seek the Lord for answers and guidance.  David did not make hasty decisions--he asked the Lord for direction (1 Sam. 23:2).
   Being able to travel a few places over the past couple of months has been eye opening for me.  Every time I have come back rejuvenated and excited.  The last few days I spent in California...what a different world.  It was awesome to be able to experience and new place and see more of God's beautiful creation.  But it was hard to see how many people there are obsessed with image and success. I felt like I could feel the stress and importance of self worship.  It literally made me want to come home and get rid of clothes and items that I find personal worth in.  I will do that, but something I just realized is that I am putting that much worship and worth in knowing my future.  On the plane ride home my heart was excited to return to my little beach.  It is not fashionable, but it is beautiful.  It is home to amazing people who I consider family.  I have no idea where I will be in the future...can knowing that I have the love of Jesus wherever I am be enough?  I pray that I will wait patiently on the Lord, while enjoying this phase of life.

ask jeeves...or lindsey.

   Life lately has been super busy, but yet enjoyable.  I feel like I'm learning the lesson of how to serve and love Jesus through the busy and mundane aspects of life.  That is not the point of this blog though haha  So, this week the question was asked, do you have any regrets in life?  The conversation spurred to the topic of wanting to hide our pasts because they were shameful, and a version of us that we did not like.  I have been thinking about this for a few days now...
   Do I have any regrets in life??  I think I am finally getting to the point where I can say no and truly mean it.  This doesn't mean that I do not have painful memories, but through prayer God has started to ease the ones that seem to grip and make me feel ashamed and unworthy.  Of course, sometimes I wish I would have listened when God told me to pray for someone in person, or that I wouldn't have been rude to the lady who hated the coffee she ordered.  But it does allow me to give those worries and weaknesses to God.  He is big enough to carry all of my burdens, even better...He loves me enough to carry them.  I will never say all the right things, or be loving enough.  But isn't that the point?  I don't want the glory of doing everything "right", but I'd rather God show His glory by working my shortcomings for His perfect plan.  Nothing in life is past the redemption of God.
   The beauty of God's redemption is what makes me want to share my past.  I cannot hide the work that He has done in me.  He has chosen me as His child, and like a child I have made mistakes.  But like a Father He still looks upon me with love.  Those mistakes do not define or change His love for me.  Therefore, how can I hide the fact that I serve a God who loves me so much that He gave His son up for me, and can redeem the ways I turn from Him.  Sharing my past allows God to be glorified.  Just like reading the stories in the Bible allows us to be encouraged.  We learn about the pasts of the characters and how God used broken people to accomplish His will.  What if we knew nothing about their pasts??  There is no way on earth that I could have even dreamed of the way God would use me and is still using me.  I am learning that it is okay to look at a mess of a person and think they are beautiful--this is what God does everyday.  Even though I am a mess I am loved.  Even though I am broken I have hope.  That love and hope is Jesus.  Ask me about my past--I would be thrilled to share how it all points to the redemption and love of God.

come up for air.

The purpose of my covenant with the Levites was to bring life and peace, and that is what I gave them. This required reverence from them, and they greatly revered me and stood in awe of my name.

Malachi 2:5

   My life over the past few weeks has been a complete roller coaster.  It is crazy how you can put so much thought and effort into a path only to have it end.  Not getting the job with InterVarsity felt like a bit of an end...but my journey with the Lord still continues.  I am so happy that my hope is not in a career or job, but in God alone.  I know that everything in my life points back to the beautiful story that God has written for me.  I am not the same girl I was a few years ago.  The fact that I submitted the application and walked into the interview shows how much the Lord has strengthened me.  That said, I still have some growing to do in the area of confidence.  It seems that I am confident in God...but not so much in myself.  I know this phase of my life is going to push me to rely even more on the Lord.  What is my next step??  I think God is calling me to trust Him more...and to put my worth and life plans completely in His hands.
   The last couple of days I was blessed to spend time in Charleston with my best friend.  This was just the rejuvenating trip that I needed.  Being surrounded by so much beauty and TREES was refreshing.  It was wonderful to get away from the normal and mundane tasks of life to go on an adventure.  God revealed to me this weekend that I have been holding on to a false outlook of life.  After college you are supposed to immediately land that big girl job, start making your way up the career ladder, fall in love, and purchase a home in your dream city.  My life hasn't been anything like that....and honestly, I would not change it for the world.  But why does that expectation of a life plan keep sneaking back into my head??  I know that life with God is exciting and unexpected.  I want to embrace what God has in store for me...and I know that means I need to stop racing towards the future without enjoying each day I am blessed to live.  Sometimes it feels like I am just trying to achieve a goal...which doesn't allow me to rest in the Lord and delight in being His child.  Reminding myself of the verse in Malachi--God has promised me life and peace.  This comes from admiring and loving the Lord with my whole heart.  That is a journey I will forever be on...

CHRISTIAN.

   My thoughts have been on complete overdrive lately.  It can be stressful...but sometimes a little refreshing.  One thing I have constantly been thinking about is my life as a Christian.  What does being a Christian really mean?  When hearing the word alone it causes many emotions in people.  A quote I have seen several times in the past few months is one by Ghandi, "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians.  Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."  This hit me hard.  And I am a part of the reason that someone would make a comment like this.  I misrepresent Jesus every single day.  I care way too much about what people think of me, I am selfish, sometimes lazy, only cater to my schedule, and often do things without listening to God.  Jesus does and is none of those things.
   I have come to believe that the change people want to see in the world is the change they want to see in themselves.  Example: I would like to see people take the time out of their busy schedules to truly love others.  This comes back to how I would love to change that I am lazy and self obsessed with my time and schedule.  Jesus was and is the change we need for this world.  He is the only person that can enter in and bring hope to suffering sinners.  I can change nothing in myself without him, or else it would be out of selfish ambition only leaving me empty again.  This change Jesus offers does not make me perfect...but gives me new life in him.  I recognize that I am loved and complete in God and that my failures and weaknesses do not define me.  The fact that I give into my selfish wants may be annoying to outsiders looking into my life....but God's love for me never changes.  It stays the same even when I say no to the amazing things He offers to me.
   Some people hate be labeled as a Christian.  I consider it one of the biggest blessings in life.  It is so cool to be a part of God's mission and be called His child.  It is a privilege to me, because as a broken person I have been given a new life and title that gives me authority to proclaim the beautiful name of God.  While being a Christian is amazing it is also a battle.  We are constantly bashed for being hypocrites and not like Jesus.  I will never be Jesus.  But one of the many cool things about Jesus is that he loves a mess like me.  Even though I am terrible at being a Christian I know with everything that Jesus loves me.  It is more about loving Jesus and who he is then proving to people that I am perfect.  I want to share that Jesus is perfect.  I will not stop trying to follow him and seek his love.  I think comparing this to my awful cooking skills creates a clear picture.  I am a terrible cook...but I still have to eat.  I will continuously cook disgusting things and eat them because food is essential to life.  Jesus is essential to my life even though I can't seem to get everything right.  The only thing I know is right is that he will not give up on me.  The scariest thing I can think of is people creating an opinion of Jesus based on my life.  Please do not do that.  Jesus is so beautiful and unlike anything on this earth.  I will pray to love people and show them Jesus and see him work through me in ways I do not deserve.

windy days and jumbled thoughts.

   This is what happens when I have espresso at 9 pm....blogging at 1 am! What up.  This week has been full of God's goodness (and it is only Wednesday).  I can feel Him moving into more parts of my life and it is awesome.  Recently, God has been speaking to me about how I am loved as His child and daughter.  One way I am reminded of His presence and love for me is through wind.  Yes, wind.  I have felt God move through wind numerous times.  For example, two times praying outside and feeling a breeze surround me while speaking to God.  Another time praying in church and feeling a small gust...did the ac just kick on? kidding.  Not to mention the times I step outside, feel the wind, and just close my eyes--in those moments I feel incredibly close to God and so peaceful.  What is it about the wind that makes it feel like God is embracing me?
   The new Tegan and Sara album came out the other day...and yesterday I was singing my favorite song on the album.  Name of the song...How come you don't want me.  As I was shouting these lyrics something hit me.  How sad it must feel to think you are not wanted or loved by anyone.  The Lord loves you.  While singing those lyrics I could smile knowing that I will always be loved and wanted by the Lord.  How cool that the Lord is reaching my heart in the most unexpected ways.
   I have been reading the book of Ecclesiastes lately...and the line that life (without God) is meaningless and is like chasing the wind has been constantly on my mind.  It is true--chasing success, wealth, happiness, and wisdom, for your own sake will only lead to disappointment.  Chasing the wind in this context is useless...why chase something that you can't see or contain.  I feel like I am not chasing the wind anymore.  But instead, the Lord is the wind and is surrounding me.  How lovely it is to be cared for and embraced by God.  For the rest of my life the wind will continue to remind me of the Lord.  I can roll down the windows of my car and sing with the wind hitting my face knowing that God is with me.  When things feel out of control...I will pray for wind.