wrecked.

When I thought God would wreck my heart at Urbana--did I truly believe He would??  I mean wreck in the most wonderful way. haha  It is only the second full day at this conference and I have felt the Lord constantly.  It is so amazing to be in a stadium with 18,000 people praising our great God!  It makes me so excited for when I will get to worship Him in heaven one day.  I have to say thanks to God for bringing me here.  For showing me that He loves us to the extent that He is willing to use us to bless and heal this world.  Through His power we are invited to love.  I am having a bit of a difficult time because my heart is all over the place.  I am the type of person who hears an idea or "call" and has to begin doing it immediately!  Obviously, this cannot happen.  I feel like a part of the reason this isn't the case is because the Lord wants us to rely on Him.  Having patience teaches us to come and rest in the Lord and pray before being sent out.  This conference is totally mission based--and it is so awesome to see people ready to jump into a new culture and serve Jesus.  As of now, that is not my calling.  This does not sadden me at all.  I love being a part of the process where I get to pray and see others sent out.  It is beautiful to watch people say "yes" to giving their whole life to the Lord.  Even when I don't feel like the Lord is asking me to pack my bags and learn a new language, I know His work is still being done.  I can smile with the joy of others being sent to broken places all over the world.  I have a passion to love the Lord.  My passion is to glorify Him.  I'm not sure of the one thing I "do" best or my calling--but I think the best thing I can do is love the Lord with my whole heart.

Jesus replied to Simon, "Don't be afraid! From now on you'll be fishing for people!"  And as soon as they landed, they left everything and followed Jesus. --Luke 5:10-11

thriving.

To say the least this past week has been a little tough.  I still feel the joy of the Lord but it comes in waves.  I know the Lord is always with me--but there are moments when I don't recognize His presence.  I think I am beginning to become comfortable...which I am not okay with.  This means I am not taking risks for the kingdom.  I hate the feeling of not doing enough--but in those moments I have to remember there is nothing more or less I can do to make the Lord change His feeling of love towards me.  This is the most comforting thing I could ever know and receive.  The hard part is remembering and believing it.  It seems as if I have gotten lost in the mundane tasks of life.  I feel like sometimes at my job the shift is exactly the same as the day before....This is when I realize and crave more.  I am so thankful for God's perfect timing.  Urbana is in like 2 days (thank gosh).  I am ready to be refreshed and called by the Lord!  I am praying going into this conference because I know it is going to consist of some reconstruction in my heart.  This won't be easy but I am ready.  I am ready to serve my awesome God.

"I wanna thrive not just survive."--switchfoot

an intro of my adventure.

I have hope.  I have an incredible amount of hope and faith in my Lord.  Over the past 4 years the Lord has been doing some amazing work in my heart and life.  My journey of falling in love with Jesus began while I was in college.  Who would have ever thought I would establish a relationship with Him while in college?  Much less at East Carolina University (you guys know the rep haha)  While things haven’t always been smooth sailng—I know that God is good.  During my time at ECU I had to let go of many idols.  These included placing my identity in my grades, life plan, and self-image.  For about a year and half I struggled with an eating disorder.  This was a result of me hating the body the Lord blessed me with, and then running to sin.  I was starving myself of food, relationships, and placing my identity in the Lord.  Experiencing this was one of the darkest moments of my life.  So much shame and embarrassment were an outcome of what I was doing to myself.  The Lord has saved me.  He has saved me from an eating disorder, He has saved me from the standards of the world, He has saved and restored my life.  I cannot hide my love for the Lord.  I am thrilled I can live in His light.  I am sorry for the way that I may have misrepresented Jesus.  I am not perfect, I still struggle with my self-image…but I find hope in the thought that this is not my home.  We are not called to be perfect, but to glorify the Lord.  He loves us so much.

a breath.

Finished an awesome book today--Wild, by Cheryl Strayed.  It is about a girl who lost her mother and pretty much gave up on life.  She stumbled upon a book on the Pacific Crest Trail and decided that she would hike it...alone.  She hiked 1,100 miles of it!  Anyway, the book is about her journey of learning how to deal with her mothers death and accepting the way life happens.  I thought it was beautifully written and expressed how we as humans try to process every bit of our lives--and it related to our constant obsession with figuring out the future.  I found this book super inspirational.  That a person would sell everything they had and begin a hike all alone with no experience.  There is a very freeing feeling about the decision to do something so huge.  I think I am getting to the point in life where I am experiencing the urge and excited feeling for my future.  I am really not sure what God is going to call me to do--but I know these last couple of months have been preparing me for the push..or jump?  I can only pray that I will say yes in the faith and courage that I have in the Lord.  I pray for an adventure that will build my confidence in the Lord, and my confidence that He will actually use me to serve Him.

"Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.  Remind me that my days are numbered--how fleeting my life is.  You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.  My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath."  Psalm 39:4-5

#beeproblems

A bee.  A bee was used today to show me a little bit of the Lord's heart.  While getting into my car a bee flew in causing me to leap out and release a shriek.  It was a terrifying experience.  I then spent twenty minutes waiting, praying, calling my mom for guidance, and staring at this little bee...hoping it would leave.  While watching it continuously fly into the glass and sit on the side window (while I had the doors wide open as an escape)--I couldn't help but think "come on bee! stop being so stupid".  Then I realized this is what we do.  The Lord is watching us constantly mess up and run into the glass (sin) consistently.  When there is an open door to except His invitation right in front of us; we don't see it, we think we know better, or it seems easier to try and figure things out on our own.  Unlike this bee, I want to run towards the light.  I know that the Lord has an open door for me.  I just need to accept His love and believe that He is able to use me.  I waited for 20 minutes for this bee to fly away.  This felt like forever to me---I wonder how the Lord feels waiting years for his children to look towards Him and say "yes"?

one step.

It is finally December 1st.  I thought this day would NEVER come.  November is usually my favorite month--but this November was a little different.  It seemed both unremarkable and remarkable...So many things that I never expected to happen, happened.  This guy that I like said we needed to take some time a part (2 months) to focus on God.  I just start to like him more and now I can't talk to him.  God has used so many people to speak into my life and motivate me.  I'm learning to accept compliments---which is hard.  My sister left for California last Monday and I am left without a roomie.  I realized the day after she left that sometimes it is better to have the person in your life and deal with their annoying qualities, instead of not having them at all.  Kind of makes me think about God.  We are so broken, messed up, and could annoy Him with how we constantly say no and run to sin; but yet, He still wants us to have a relationship with Him.  He still loves us.

Today I had my first yard sale, it was a success!  All of this money is going to bless an amazing person in my life.  I am overjoyed with this whole experiment because I finally followed through with one of my ideas/plans.  So many times I have big dreams and ideas and do not act.  What is love without action?  I sent out a FaceBook message in October asking people to donate and think about giving items up for the Kingdom.  We have SO much excess.  I believe and know it is Biblical that one of the ways to be content in Christ is to live a simple lifestyle.  This was an experiment in the practice of giving for others--and looking at what we have and saying I can be content with less.  After all, the love of Christ is something to treasure.  My heart went through some transformation with this whole event--and the Lord has brought to my attention some of the blessings He has provided.  I had two new friends that helped me sort clothing and came today to help attend the sale for over two hours.  It is amazing to know that I have people who care for me.  Who would give up their time to help raise money for someone they don't even know.  Overall, it felt nice to say yes to God and let Him do His work.  I plan to say yes to God more this month.  For I am weak--but His spirit is strong in me.  I have failed God a million times.  But He never gives up on me. 

FRENZY.

God,

I don't know what is going on!  I feel some sense of urgency to pray/run.  Overall, I think the feeling is to love.  I want to love people, but now I am stuck in this coffee shop.  Stuck may not be the right word (I love this job).  I just feel like my heart is overflowing.  I can't contain my excitement for the weeks to come.  Lord please help me to live one day at a time.  Giving you my all everyday.  God shape my heart - I want it to align with your heart for this crazy messed up world.  Help me to not live for the future only - help me see what is around me now.  Excite my soul for the work that you will do.

confidence boost?

Oil changes are very monumental right? ha Well this one was.  Sitting in the waiting area and I am reading my chronological Bible.  A lady across from me asks if reading the Bible in that form helps...I reply yes!  Along with a few other comments.  As I am talking I can feel my face turn a little red.  Why does that happen?  I am not embarrassed of Jesus.  Is it because I know that this could be an opening for the sharing of the gospel?  Is that what is frightening me?  Is it because I know that I can never explain how much God has changed my life?  The fact that a few other people are listening to our conversation in the room?  Obviously, the fact that my face turns red means that this is not just some topic that means nothing to me.  I want to be bold for the Lord.  I want to talk about Him with confidence.

again and again.

It seems as if life is starting to turn around a little.  Sometimes I wonder if we consider happiness to be when things are going the way we want them to.  The things happening in my life lately have been so unpredictable.  Just because everything is not perfect doesn't mean that I cannot smile.  I think God wants me to learn this.  I've been reading psalm 51--verses 16-17 stuck out to me "You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering.  The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.  You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God."  My spirit has been broken--but my faith in God is not!  God doesn't want anything but my whole heart.  It is beautiful to know that all He  wants is my heart.  God does not expect me to be perfect.  Fathers do not expect perfection from their children.  They do wish them the best--and want to see them have joy.  I guess the quest I am on is to bring God joy--and by doing that I will discover a joy that is more real than anything I have known.

Watched Blue Like Jazz again tonight!  What a cool movie that shows how Jesus is redeeming lives.  We cannot be perfect.  All we can do is love the Lord and let our hope in Him reach the lives of others.

"Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself.  It is as if they are showing you the way."

This quote is so beautiful...and very true of my life.  By joining InterVarsity this happened for me.  I saw a community of people who loved Jesus.  People who were broken and not trying to hide that fact.  People who had fears, worries, and struggles.  I saw a group of people who so deeply loved Jesus that they would tell others about Him on campus.  People who were inviting me into their lives.  Because I watched them love Jesus I was able to be invited into a personal relationship with Him.  I was able to see that He was not only working in their lives--but mine.

washed by the water.

I am at the bottom.  My emotional level can decrease no more--at least I hope not.  Life has been absolutely insane.  I feel like everything in my life is being taken from me.  My sister/roomie is moving, my friendship with my younger sister isn't as strong as it used to be, I don't have a small group, I am about to jump into a new church, and on top of it all I had a horrible weekend.  I feel like my life is being torn.  Hurricane Sandy at this moment is destroying our beautiful beach.  As the storm is blowing around and not stopping--it feels like it is matching this exact point in my life.  When will I stop getting beaten by the storm??  God how much more can I handle??  Through all of this though I know God is good.  I know His plan is perfect and that He will only give me as much as I can take.  I had a passionate prayer time yesterday--and I am beyond thankful for that.  I just pray and hope that I will still have the joy of the Lord.  It is getting tough to not want to just sit around and sulk.  It is so much easier to do that.  I feel as if everything in my life is changing.  Change excites me, but sometimes I feel as if there is never ending change that needs to take place.  Can I ever just get to a place where I can smile and say--this is it.  I guess that chance will come along one day...and it will be in heaven.  Strangest thing happened last night.  I was talking to my best friend and she told me some verses that had been on her heart for me.  Ezekiel 36:25-29.  What makes that strange is that like a month ago I wrote Ezekiel 36:26 on my mirror.

²⁵ “Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. ²⁶ And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.^[a] 27 And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.

²⁸ “And you will live in Israel, the land I gave your ancestors long ago. You will be my people, and I will be your God. ²⁹ I will cleanse you of your filthy behavior. I will give you good crops of grain, and I will send no more famines on the land."

I guess God wants me to understand what He is doing.  The process of obtaining a new heart and spirit isn't easy..so it seems.  I just pray that everything that clutters my mind and thoughts would be taken away.  Cleanse me Lord. 

true joy.

Fall is in the air and I am in love with it!  This time of year just makes me feel so joyful.  I love walking out the door and breathing in the brisk air.  As the season is changing, so is my life.  I have been struggling with the thought of switching churches since July.  My prayer was answered yesterday!! Not in the way that I thought it would happen...but when is that ever the case??  I feel at peace with this decision.  But it is still going to be very hard having to tell the people I have come to cherish at the church that I am leaving.  This ties into the life lesson I have been learning.  I care way too much about what people think of me.  Not in the way of my appearance anymore--but if I am a good enough Christian.  More so, do I look like I am living for the Lord?   I am not saying this is a shallow way...I want people to look at me and see that Jesus lives in me.  I want people to see the overflowing joy that the Lord has placed in my heart.  I want people to see that God has changed my life.  That I can be happy with little and smile through suffering because God is my savior.  I pray for ways to show the Lord's light everyday.

#tired.

All I can say is wow.  That is the past couple of days summed up.  Besides working a lot of hours...so much has been going on.  And now I am sitting here blogging...when I should be praying.  Why am I afraid to pray sometimes?  I know that answer.  I am afraid that God won't answer.  I know that doesn't mean he doesn't hear me--but it is easier to just not do something so it doesn't seem like you are failing if God "doesn't" answer.  Sometimes I think we don't see right away an answer.  My mind is running all over the place.  How can I focus?  Do I know which thoughts are from God?  I'm tired of running.  Why do I have such little faith?  I have numerous memories and stories of God's amazing power.  Why don't they seem as important now?  I need you Lord.  Silence my heart.  Quiet my mind.  You are so big.

take it all.

It's my sabbath! wooo.  Never thought it would get here. haha  Plans are pretty much falling apart, but I think God wants me to really rest.  I'm not supposed to be hardcore planning anyway!  It has been a weird day so far--beautiful weather though!  I went to the beach for a little while but ended up getting sand blown.  Realized that I'm not ready to finish the book on healing prayer.  Excited to choose another book to start reading!  Next I went to the gas station where the pump was messed up and exploded on me--now I smell like roses? ha  Not everyday will be perfect, but I am reminded that even in days where things suck, God is still Good.  Anyway, the past few days have been pretty good!  Looking back this week passed by so quickly.  I hope that this coming week I can devote a little more time to resting in the Lord.  I want Him to completely have my life and use me to bless others.  This has to start with not wanting to be in control of every little issue.  

Blessings this week: 

meeting with a friend from sg!

having a refreshing member attend sg

excitement about youth group

catching up with a good friend

the beautiful weather!!

meeting with victoria

I give you Lord my fear of deciding what to do about church stuff, the anxiety of feeling like I'm not doing enough, my feelings of annoyance towards people at work, and my passions.

fall days.

Fall is here!! Well, has been for the past couple of days....today is a tad muggy.  But nonetheless the season of change is among us!  It is hard to explain my fascination with fall.  I think it is the cool crisp air that makes me want to leap for joy.  The fact I can leave my windows open all the time, the way the lighting appears, leaves changing, and of course the want to snuggle with a cup of coffee.  I love how the Lord shows us His beauty in this world.  Yes, it may be full of sin...but all that is good and beautiful is a gift from the Lord.  So thankful for this season.  My heart is full of joy.  So this week has been wonderful!  Had a great time with my best friend in town--discussed how we would not hide things from each other anymore.  It feels great to know that I have a friend who is willing to be honest with me--even if it is hard/awkward.  I think that is what we all need in life.  Why should we be people who have to hide the hard stuff??  Just had a meeting about helping to start a youth group at the church I attend.  This is so exciting!  I am very nervous about leading certain things--I am always struggling with confidence in myself.  Praying for an amazing experience for the Lord to use me to bless others in ways I didn't know were possible.  Overall, I am so excited for this season.  I am excited that I get to spend it with the Lord--learning to love Him even more.

rando thoughts.

I am blessed.  I think a lot of times I overlook this factor.  This week has been busy--working 45 hours and all.  Started a new job!  At a coffee shop, dream come true?  It is weird to wake up at 5 am and drive to work when it is completely dark.  I feel lucky though.  On my way I can look to my right and see the sun begin to rise...the clouds thick with beautiful light blues and pink tints.  In that moment I know how blessed I am.  The fact that I get to look out and see the sun rise, have another day to serve the Lord in His kingdom, and know that I am loved as His daughter.  The job has gone pretty well.  I mean it has only been two days--it may just be the excitement factor?  Then I think, how am I in a customer service job again?  But I pray Lord help me show joy to all.  I pray that even in my work life God is present...I know He is.  Didn't take a sabbath this week.  Working 6 days will make this more difficult, but it will also increase my need for one.  Planning one for next week.  Now I am sitting at Muddy's with my best friend next to me.  I can't explain how lucky I am to know her.  Just listened to a Summit sermon.  J.D. mentioned the verse Ezekiel 36:25-27 "Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean.  Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols.  And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you.  I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."  This is a beautiful promise.  I look back at my journey with the Lord and can't help but smile and bubble with joy.  God has saved my life.  He has taken my disgusting sin.  He loves me.  I can't even explain the feelings this makes me have.  The fact that God cares enough about me to give me a new spirit is overwhelming.  So thankful that I have the Lord to give me a new heart.  I know that without Him I have no ability to love.  I do not have the ability to tolerate annoying people.  I do not have the ability to be filled with real joy.  Without Him I will not be able to escape the chase of earthly idols.  Thankful today for real life in Jesus. Thinking now, how can I know Jesus and not share this good news??  Lord help me to share this amazing life changing news.

Blessings this week:
starting a new job
sg--discussing prayer
excitement about starting a youth group
loving people I work with
talking with my bestie
discipleship time
realizing a false message about waiting for marriage/a husband (blog)
the excitement of fall arriving

round one.

Today I am practicing the sabbath.  God has been laying this on my heart for literally months now.  So, thought it was time I gave it a try! ha  Of course I didn't just do it--I had to listen to some sermons and do a little research.  The sabbath is all about trusting God.  It is about letting go of fears and anxiety and letting God know that he is totally in control of your life.  This doesn't mean working harder the other 6 days--because God is our loving father (who like an earthly father) wants to provide and love us by giving gifts.  Heard a sermon that mentioned the sabbath as a time to pray and play.  We spend time with the Lord thanking Him for what he has done in the past week and by giving Him control of the week to come.  We also enjoy the Lord.  We don't need to have this day planned out, and it doesn't mean that we just sleep all day.  There is a difference between laziness and resting in the Lord.  It sounds so exciting!  But in the sermon he mentioned that it would be hard...Today has been nice so far!  Woke up at a decent hour, ate breakfast, and went to the beach.  The beach had a wonderful breeze-and the ocean was completely calm!  The way I like it :)  I'm a little saddened because it would be easier to spend this whole day alone with God, but my sister is coming into town.  So I am praying for a evening of bonding and doing things we usually don't (like make dinner?).  The hardest part for me is not planning my entire day...I am to-do list girl--how can I manage/live without a plan? haha Oh and no facebook for me!  I KNOW that I dedicate way too much time to that.  Anyway, reading on the beach today and came across these verses, "This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.  Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him.  For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob."  I thought it was beautiful how it says that you may love the Lord--and this includes listening and seeking Him.  It is also a realization that the Lord is a God of relationships, He doesn't want to force us to love Him--because it says that even death has been set before us if we choose that path.  I love how he says choose life...so happy that I have life through the Lord.  

Blessings this past week:

hanging out with mom

coworker getting me through a stressful night at work

seeing an international student learn the cash register!

sg (bible study) on loving enemies--eye opening experience

asking God for forgiveness (knowing I can't do this alone)

talking to a brother in Christ about loving a coworker

meeting with Victoria to study 1 peter (praying together!!)

enjoying the beautiful beach twice :)

Giving God my stress of being night manager, loving my coworkers to show them Jesus, working 2 jobs, and trying to find time to work out. 

the cure.

The past two days have been completely crazy. ha  So, last night at work was my first night alone as the on duty manager...lets just say disaster!  I didn't really mess up my tasks, more so, I got really overwhelmed.  It was extremely busy...and we were understaffed.  The opportunity for me to cry out to the Lord came, but I did not take it.  Instead, I stayed in my state of anxiety.  When I got home I cried for about ten minutes..then it was over.  This really hit me today.  In my moment of need why would I not cry out to the Lord?  As humans it is so easy to just live on/for/with this earth.  I know God is calling us to so much more.  Today was a much better day--but I am glad last night happened to help me see how I let my feelings rule, not my God.  Tonight in small group we covered Matthew 5:43-48.  Someone in my small group asked, "when others wrong you do you recognize that as sin?"  I honestly never thought about it that way.  We just think oh they are rude, mean, or call them a jerk.  But in reality it should call us to think why would they commit that sin?  What is going on in their life?  As a broken person what are they struggling with?  How is sin reigning in their life?  Our response to this should be to love them.  This view helps us to love the so called "unlovable".  God looks on us and loves us--even though we are a dirty sinful, pretty much, disaster. ha  I thought this was completely beautiful.  Knowing Jesus, I should want to tell them about my wonderful savior.  How can I leave a sick person when I know the cure?

endless opportunities.

God is good.  This week has been a journey in and of itself.  After feeling sad about leaving Greenville,  I am now feeling excited to be back on the beach.  Had a lovely Bible study on 1 Peter and ended up sharing some of my difficult past with a friend.  Learning that a part of the healing process is sharing...in order to see how far we have come (what God has done in our lives) we must open up.  I think that God intended for friendships and relationships to be ones that are "real".  This means we are not ashamed of our pasts and are capable and able to share and truly love one another.  As always, way easier said then done.  I also have found another job for the fall/winter!  So ready to work at a coffee shop...seems like a dream come true! ha  Also, my small group leader brought up the thought of us helping start a youth group at our church.  My heart skipped a beat at the mention of this.  I think that I may have found where God is calling me to serve....YESSS.  Still reading the book on experiencing healing prayer and it is really eye opening.  I plan to spend time in silence.  This is so hard for me to do because I like to clutter my mind with so many things!

aroma.

My life...I go from a complete stressed mess to being totally calm.  Lately I have been learning to rest in the Lord, this is definitely a challenge for me.  I want to rest in His love and presence everyday...even in the days that are so busy.  Visited Greenville again...so hard to go back to that place.  Every part of me wanted to be in college.  The excitement of moving in, starting new classes, and making new friends is desired.  It seems that college campuses are a breeding ground for opportunities.  As the trip went on, I was quickly assured the beach is the right place for me to be in life.  It has a much slower atmosphere and is perfect for growth in the Lord.  I feel like I can sit back and hear from Him.  I can't forget about all the amazing people I have met here!  Got an encouraging verse from a friend today.... 2 Cor. 2:14-15  "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.  For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing."  It is wonderful to know that God cares enough to use us in this broken world.  Even when I feel like I am "doing nothing" having the aroma of Christ is/should be a constant.  While seeking Jesus everyday this wonderful scent can't help but be released.  I am feeling super encouraged/ just a tad overwhelmed.  In such a broken world it is hard knowing that we can't fix everything.  Thankful for a father who loves us enough to let us know that is not our job.

painful bliss?

Seriously my brain right now...haha  So I have been doing more thinking than usual lately (crazy I know).  I have been worrying about relationships, maybe not so much worrying as analyzing.  Analyzing meaning, what is my time line going to look like??  God is not reduced to a time line.  It isn't fair for me to ask Him to make one either.  I guess being a 22 year old single gal sometimes makes it hard..especially when friends on facebook are getting engaged every 5 seconds..exaggeration, I meant 10 seconds.  Anyway, my sister sent me a letter and said the most encouraging thing.  She said the day you accepted Christ into your life you formed the most important and loving relationship.  That was like a loving/fabulous slap in the face haha  Why had I never thought of it this way before??  How could I want anything more.  The fact that I have a relationship with God is amazing.  Really, the God of the universe takes time to show me love...even in the tiniest ways.  In other news--started reading Experiencing Healing Prayer by Rick Richardson.  Pretty good so far!!  Funny how I thought this book wasn't going to apply much to my life, but  instead be a good read.  I'm in chapter 2 and I'm already realizing that I need healing.  Suffering from an eating disorder is something that is in the back of my mind A LOT.  While I have overcome the disorder I don't think I have totally overcome that fact that I had one.  That I was able to hurt myself and the body that I have been blessed with.  I also still worry about what I eat...will that ever go away?  My identity is not wrapped up in trying to be perfect (pertaining to having the perfect body).  I know that my identity is in Christ...can anything be more freeing??  But why do I still feel like I can't let go.  I never want to forget that I had an eating disorder, because after all that suffering I came out so much stronger in my faith.  Plus, God can use that awful experience to talk to others going through the same trials.  But why then do I still feel like a part of me is left back with that struggle.  I feel like some of me is missing.  A beautiful thought from the book I'm reading says this, "Healing is primarily about the transformation of the person into a truer and more whole follower, worshiper and lover of God."  Healing is not primarily about escape or relief from pain...that said, will this pain go away??  I know that I have been transformed and love God more now, but will I always remember and feel that sense of pain?

overflowing.

What just happened??  One moment I am beating myself up for not listening to God, and the next he is presenting an opportunity for me to say yes to Him...and I do!  God is so good.  Even when I feel so far and confused he is always there loving me.  So, that said, I am attending a new church at the beach.  They are a few years old, and really trying to form a church based on the way God would have it.  Sometimes I just feel like it is more about the name of the church than God.  When in reality it shouldn't matter about a title...but only about how the church loves God and is serving people according to His will.  I am realizing that it is really okay to love the church you attend.  It is good to be excited for the people you see every week and the way you have seen your life change.  But the church didn't do that...God did.  He used the church as a tool to change your life...but it does not have saving powers.  Thanking God right now for teaching me this lesson!  Anyway, listening to God calling me to stand up in front a church of people I barely know, and pray, is a sign of His life changing power.  Thanks God--and I pray as Christians we would understand the role the church plays in our lives.

the end.

Sitting here on my couch in Greenville...wearing my filthy bathroom cleaning clothes (yes I have clothes dedicated just to this cause #kidding)  This trip to Greenville is way more emotionally charged than I expected.  I have been waiting for this trip the whole summer and it is finally here.  Spent the night painting my room and cleaning, or what seems to be ending my life as a ECU college student.  Didn't realize that walking into my apartment would bring on such a strong sense of the end...but I know that it is only the start to another great adventure with God.  So weird how everything feels the same but so different.  Like the fact that my favorite coffee shop (The Scullery) has new employees, that is so not allowed. haha  Praying that God will rest my heart through this whole experience.  Still amazing to me that in a college town filled with crazy parties and violence lead me closer to the Lord.  God works in such mysterious/beautiful ways.  Thanks God for the memories, friends, and this incredible life you have blessed me with.

passion.

What a wonderful God we have!  I feel a little overwhelmed right now...like I have 1,000 things to change in my life.  I am just craving something so different from this life.  I know it is God calling me and tugging on my heart.  I pray that He sends a little clarity my way...but for now I'm smiling knowing that He is speaking to me.  Right now I'm reading the book True Story.  So good--true story #supercheez haha  It is presenting the gospel in a way that is truly life changing!  Jesus wants so much more for us in this life.  He didn't come just to save us...but so we could be transformed through him to love and change this world.  I hope that God continues to give me this passion to change this broken world.  I want it to be so different...for people to see God's love and mercy.  I don't know what God is calling me to do...just trying to sit back and listen :D

reverse.

God is teaching me so much.  Imagine that? haha  So last night may have been one of the craziest encounters with God I've had in awhile.  Basically, I am being called to step back from so many guy friendships.  It just seems so easy for me to relate and have guy friends.  But in reality, being friends with the opposite sex is a challenge.  Not that I will have no guy friends...but I need to check my heart and intentions with those friends.  God has used so many great christian guys to influence my life and walk with Him.  I just feel like I am throwing my heart all over the place, and mixing up emotions.  Anyway, after having that intense conversation, God pointed out some areas in my life that need changing.  One being...watch what image you are trying to portray (pics on fb??).  I pray for more guidance from God and more amazing encounters.  Psalm 23 :)  God always gets me with that!

salty air

Haven't written in a uber long time!  Life has changed so much...in an amazing way.  Graduated from college and spent two awesome/much needed weeks at Rockbridge in Goshen, VA.  Quickly packed up my stuff (or slowly, i own a lot) and landed in the Outer Banks for the summer again.  Only this time it might not just be for the summer.  No more college, and I am just working some jobs to make money and see what God has in store for me.  Still going to apply for the Intervarsity staff position!  That will be fun/stressful :)  Hoping that is what God has in store for me...but if not, I know his plan will be so much better.  Anyway, I prayed for so long for a church and loving community here on the beach.  God is faithful.  He has blessed me with a church that is growing and learning about how to be a community that really embraces Jesus.  Not only a church...but a small group!  I love meeting on Tuesday evenings in a dim room with about ten people gathered around reading the Bible.  They are all so unique!  It is awesome to see how God created each and every person.  I am so excited for the new friendships and opportunities we will have to bless each other and our communities, families, and workplace.  God has been teaching me so much lately.  The most recent is that I should take a sabbath each week to focus on Him and how he loves me.  It will be an opportunity for me to trust that he will provide.  I am debating getting another job for the summer...but my days off have been spent getting to know Him more (mostly reading the Bible and praying).  I feel like I might be trying to learn a little too much and not listen enough.  God give me ears for you.

Moving On.

My life lately has been so overwhelming!  God has been trying to teach me so many lessons.  Breaking my mindset of things always being on my time and me scheduling my life is definitely one that he is pinpointing.  I have been able to really reach out and help people during times that were totally inconvenient to me.  The joy that comes from listening and responding to God is one that cannot be matched.  That is why I hope I continue to do it.  This past week I have been dwelling and thinking about how much time I have left as a senior in college.  The other night I thought about how hard it is going to be to actually leave this campus.  I have established an amazing group of Christian friends...how can I be expected to just leave them all behind?  I can't imagine not having this awesome group of friends to hang with and to talk to when I'm hurting.  I know that I can't stay here forever..but can't leaving be just a little easier? haha  I know that God is calling me to new things.  I just pray that this last month will be one that I never forget.  I want to leave on a high note knowing that I gave this time my all.  In a sermon I heard a pastor say, "you will leave what you love, to follow the one you love the most."  I LOVE Jesus and I want to follow Him.  I hope that God can help me settle these crazy up and down emotions.  

--By the way totally just thought about how Jesus called the disciples.  He told them to drop everything they had and owned to follow Him.  This included friends and family.  Jesus help me do this!! :)

searching for love.

Ahh I have been on such an up and down roller coaster with God lately.  It's frustrating because I hate feeling this way.  Recently I have just been feeling not worthy and like I am not the best candidate for an IV staff member.  This thought is brought on by comparing myself to others.  I know that feeling like I am not doing enough is stupid.  God doesn't love us based on how much we do for Him, he loves us no matter what.  This week during discipleship I mentioned how everything happens for a reason.  My friend and staff worker disagreed with me.  It was hard to hear him say that because I don't want to believe worldly views (and for him to not think I am capable of performing this job).  As the day went on I thought about what I had said, and honestly I do believe it.  I get caught up in the world and begin to relate what the world thinks to my own personal life.  One neat thing is that when we were spending alone time with God I looked over the river at all the dead trees.  It made me think about how ugly and full of sin the world is...but when I closed my eyes and centered myself in God's presence I felt at peace.  Feeling the breeze made me know that God was surrounding me.  Later on me and my friend remained sitting in the park and I looked at those same dead trees, but this time I saw one green tree among all of them.  I started to cry because I knew that God wants me to be a "green tree", or a light for people in this broken world.  Later on I confessed to my staff worker that I still do believe that things happen for a reason, and that sometimes it is because I deserve them.  He prayed with me outside and the wind started to pick up during his prayer.  I knew that it was the Lord.  I want to stop believing what the world does and acting how i'm "supposed" too.  I want to be so in touch with God and His spirit and will for me.  I'm asking for guidance and feeling His presence everyday.  I want to become so immersed in His love.  I want to know that I am loved no matter how much I mess up.  In my mind I know that God loves me so much..but my heart still doesn't fully get this.  I pray that he reveals Himself to me in a bold manner.

my hope in Jesus.

In The Good and Beautiful Community James talks about how we are a part of a story that inspires hope.  We have constant hope in Jesus because of what he did for us, and we are lucky enough to live our life through this story of hope.  The first part of the story of hope is death.  Jesus died on the cross, but we have died to our old way of life.  We have died to the things that used to control and make us "happy".  Our new life is found through Jesus and we are able to live by faith with Him.  The next is resurrection.  Jesus was physically raised from the dead.  We have the joy in accepting the same power that raised Jesus from the dead.  This allows us to live our new life knowing that we are a part of God's bigger story.  Ascension was Jesus ascending to heaven to reign.  We are called to set our hearts and minds on things above.  Jesus is calling us to focus on what is going to be eternal, not temporary.  Return is the last part that James discusses.  This obviously hasn't occurred yet, but we know that Christ will come again :)  As Christians we have hope that Jesus will return and heal all of our broken lives.  This story is so important to know because it is the Gospel.  I hope to really remember and cherish this story everyday.  It is a great tool to get us sharing our faith by including our own personal story in this form.

righteous roots.

This week was straight amazing.  The highlight was definitely Nathan asking me if I would be willing to give a talk at our InterVarsity chapter.  I am so nervous...but so honored and excited for this opportunity.  Anyway, it's spring break and I am blessed with the chance to catch up on some reading :)  Tonight I'm reading The Good and Beautiful Community by James Bryan Smith.  He is talking about a hopeful community by using the verse Colossians 1:3-6.  This verse allows us to see that hope is the origin of faith and love; our faith attaches to our hope in a great future through Christ.  Another beautiful point he makes is that hope is not just ours, it is to be shared and "binds us together and increases our love for one another".  Another writer mentions that the Christian community "has its roots in the future and its branches in the present".  I love this 1) because it is an analogy about trees--which I am obsessed with and 2) it is a clear picture of how the Christian life should look.  James also writes "hope is the bridge from the future into the present and the branches of that hope are faith and love".  This paints a picture of how intertwined our hope in God and His provisions carry out into our obedience and love for Him and others.  He states that we should be "genuinely and cheerfully rooted in God's renewal".  Ahh I love it when authors speak such truth.  What really helps me is to be able to process it by writing down the highlights.  I plan on trying to keep my hope rooted in Jesus so His light can shine through me to others.

stumbling through.

So I'm not quite sure what God has been trying to teach me this week..but I have read several things about living so others will not stumble.  Going through 1 Corinthians has provided some verses like...⁷ However, not all possess this knowledge. But some, through former association with idols, eat food as really offered to an idol, and their conscience, being weak, is defiled. ⁸ Food will not commend us to God. We are no worse off if we do not eat, and no better off if we do. ⁹ But take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak. ¹⁰ For if anyone sees you who have knowledge eating^[c] in an idol's temple, will he not be encouraged,^[d] if his conscience is weak, to eat food offered to idols?¹¹ And so by your knowledge this weak person is destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died. ¹² Thus, sinning against your brothers^[e] and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ. ¹³ Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble.  This passage is saying I may know that some actions I take part in do not affect my walk with Christ, but they could cause a younger brother to stumble.  This is such a wake up call because usually I just think about how my actions affect me..not that others are actually watching.  The last verse is so powerful because it says if food makes my brother stumble then I will NEVER eat meat.  This is so intense!  I want to be willing enough to give up something I do that affects others in a negative way.  I want to "conduct my life in such a way that I can be a shining example for those who have not yet found Christ".  I don't know what God is trying to help me fix..but through prayer I hope to listen to Him :)

IDOLS= NO.

God has been doing a lot in my life lately.  Currently I have been watching a series of sermons on the book of Jonah.  They have really been encouraging and hard hitting because Jonah is a great picture of us as humans.  The past sermon discussed what it looks like to have a new kind of obedience.  To first be obedient to God we must identify and eliminate the idols in our lives.  Idols are something we derive pleasure from more than God; and things we seek refuge in more than God.  Jonah was an idolator who was also ignorant of the grace that God had extended toward him.  For us to become compassionate like God, we have to fully understand his grace and love for us.  The want to care for others will only come after idols are removed and we strive to show compassion like God continues to show us.  Caring for others includes planting the seed and loving those two billion people who don't know Jesus.  The line J.D. closes the sermon with is, "either you are sending or walking in disobedience".  I hope that I will continue to learn more about God's grace and seriously commit to His mission here on Earth.  God has given me so much that I take for granted..but I am thankful that he gives us wake up calls.

Really?

Wow have these last few weeks been crazy!  Found out a couple of weeks ago that I have mono..oh the joy.  Kinda went through period of depression from not being able to do anything while sick, but learned the lesson of always being joyful.  The best thing that has happened to me recently was finally realizing my call to become an InterVarsity staff member.  When I think about this job it makes me so excited and happy :)  I just told my staff worker about two weeks ago, and his smile made me feel so joyful.  Thank you God for good friends!  I actually had a dream and God spoke to me through it.  He placed chapter one of Jeremiah in my dream.  This chapter directly addressed my fears of becoming an InterVarsity staff member.  Verse six-eight says "Ah, sovereign Lord," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."  But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you.  Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord.  This was so incredibly encouraging!  All the time I feel that I am not prepared or know enough scripture to be able to do this.  I really just feel that I lack so many important skills to be able to do this job well, but God knows my heart.  He WILL be with me, and will use me through my weaknesses.  Verse 10 was also a slap in the face--See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.  In InterVarsity creating a new chapter on a college campus is called building and planting!  I am so excited about this long and crazy journey ahead of me.  I want to thank God for speaking to us, and always being so faithful.  I really could not ask more of this life...

God is so good.

   Ahhh!  Tonight was so amazing.  So as I posted earlier, I was asked by my staff worker (Nathan) to be a part of his talk during The Gathering for Intervaristy.  I have been so extremely nervous about it!  I spent time praying to make sure that my heart was in the right place.  All I have to say is that God was so by my side.  My nerves seemed to subside and it felt like God was guiding my speech.  It felt so awesome!  I love how God says he will always be with you....and NEVER lets you down.  I am just so excited that I did well, and hope to continue to only give the credit to God.  I also have been inspired to do more!  I hope that  many risky and scary opportunities present themselves...so I can give it all to God again.  Can't even explain my love for Him.

my walk

   So I have been asked to talk at large group, for my campus ministry, about how having an invitational community has strengthened my relationship with the Lord.  First of all, it has basically sparked my flame for God!  I was invited to Intervarsity by a friend, who I didn't know at the time, at a bus stop.  After attending the Gathering I realized these people I was surrounded by were very unique.  I ended up becoming really close with a girl, and we are now best friends.  This new friendship was so amazing to me because I never had someone who loved to talk about God and challenged me to live for Him.  Everyone in this community was so friendly and wanted to get to know you.  There were many movie and game nights that inspired getting to truly know one another.  The first beach retreat I attended was a huge moment in my walk with God.  I had only attended Intervarsity a few times and just decided to go to the beach with about 20 people I barely knew.  Best decision of my life.  This weekend allowed everyone to share their personal stories.  I really opened up to these people..who I had basically just met.  After this retreat I was hooked!  New friendships and excitement to go back and love campus was formed.  A major factor that influenced my growth with the Lord was discipleship.  Being able to meet with people to read scripture and talk about life really helped.  Another turning point for me was attending spring conference.  While at this conference I participated in the prayer track and learned new and exciting ways to connect with the Lord.  It was so awesome experience God not only working in my life, but also in our chapter.  After this conference I became very interested in prayer, and knew that God was challenging me to do something more with prayer in our chapter.  It was established that a prayer group would be formed with me and another member leading together.  This was super terrifying to me!  I didn't think I had the confidence or skills to lead something like this.  God definitely worked on my heart and has been using my strengths and weaknesses for his glory.  This is only a tiny bit of how an invitational community has helped me in my walk with the Lord.  Surrounding myself with awesome people who are on fire for God has kept me accountable and wanting to live for Him.  I am so thankful for a community that is really trying to embrace Jesus and love each other.

hope in God

   Watched a summit sermon based on 1 Peter today...and it was right up my alley.  JD talked about how we should respond when suffering or going through a hard time.  But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect, 1 Peter 3:15  God wants us to still have hope and joy in him in the midst of hard times.  He calls us to have hope in situations that will cause others to wonder how we can still be joyful!  This is a part of his master plan to use us to show the world that loving him can really change you.  I want to truly have hope in Christ and be able to be a light for him.  Breaking up with my boyfriend is going to be hard for awhile, but knowing the joy I have in God will help me.  And I want have hope during this time so others will know that God is working in me.  Sometimes the way we suffer can help bring others to salvation.  If Jesus, the perfect son of God, suffered in this world...I can only hope to do the same.

all for you

   God calls us to respond to him with self-discipline.  We have to obey his calling in order to show others that our lives are different.  Self-discipline is something that can be sooo hard.  But it has to be accomplished so that we can give God our everything by using the talents and resources we have.  I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday, because I felt that our relationship was putting a damper on mine with God.  It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done...and it will be something that I will have to continue to work on.  I hope and pray to have self discipline when it comes to wanting to push lines with him since we have dated before.  I also pray that God uses my talents and abilities to better his kingdom everyday.

in the end.

Your old life is dead.  Your new life, which is your real life--even though invisible to spectators--is with Christ in God.  He is your life.    Colossians 3:3


   I want to invite Christ into my heart so he can change everything in me.  I want to fall completely in love with Him.  I want to only rely on His love to sustain me.  He is so beautiful and gave up his life in the worst way possible for us.  I feel so petty when I can't even give up the little things in life for Him.  I want to pray more and listen to everything He tells me.  I think God might actually be giving me the opportunity to open up my life only to Him.  I think this might mean breaking up with my boyfriend..even though it is killing me to think about this.  He is a great guy and I have cried over this matter, but I know that I must suffer in this life.  I'm praying that He will understand.  

2012

   So I haven't written in forever..but it's a new year so I figured I'd get back on track.  Life has been pretty amazing the last couple of months.  Of course not perfect, but there has been some changes.  I'm doing better with the eating thing and I have a boyfriend now.  Starting to over think things since it's winter break and I have a lot of time on my hands.  Anyway, my mom got me a devotional book for Christmas!  I plan to use this to help me write and read the Bible as much as I can.  

   We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you.  Colossians 1:3

   I am so thankful for everything that God has blessed me with in this life.  I LOVE my family.  They are absolutely wonderful and fun.  God has given me many talents and I want to use them for this glory.  I have been stressing about my future lately.  I don't want to make any decisions or commitments that will get in the way of me growing closer to God.  I think this year will be a good one for my growth with God.  I just want to feel comfort knowing that He is with me.