no plans

So my plan of writing every single day ended a couple of days ago!  It is a funny story now..but I got home late from work and when I looked at the  clock it said 12:11 am, which means I had missed my post and I cried. haha  But God def. taught me something from this, that no matter how hard we try our plans will not work out according to us, they will always be for his glory and plan.  Overall a great lesson learned :)  And I have decided to post every couple of days!  Today I watched a sermon on loving your spouse according to God's word.  Basically it mentioned how husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and wives are to submit.  This verse is very controversial, but I agree with it because it's in the Bible!  We are to serve our marriage partners as Christ serves us.  This sermon was very  eye opening and it has definitely made me excited for when I get married.  Summer has been pretty swell and God has been amazing (of course :)) ha

hide and seek

So my sister and I didn't get up in time for church...so I watched a Summit sermon online!  Once again it was awesome.  Today he talked about how people ask the question if God wants everyone to know him then why can't he just clearly show himself?  The overall moral is that God has hidden his ways so that those whose hearts want to know God will.  In other words, we have to have the right heart to know God! God wants to be found by people with a childlike heart, so that the only way they can tell people they found God is through him..not by human doing.  God will not be found in human achievement because that allows us to become prideful.  I never really thought of it this way, but in the grand scheme it makes sense!  Therefore, God wants us to continue to tell others of the gospel, but we must first pray that their hearts are changed by God so they can understand his amazing love.

lateeeee

So I have decided to start writing in this blog during the day...my night time thoughts are not so great. ha  Anyway today was an overall good day, worked and got to hang out some with the fam!  Going to church tomorrow morning so I'm pretty excited about that!

sleepyhead

Ahh I'm so tired.  This is about all of my thoughts for today. haha Oh and I have been eating more the past few days...I guess that's a plus!

ready for whatever

So I ate a veggie burger today that had something weird in it..not feeling so hot now! haha  Anyway, I'm trying to not care as much about what I eat.  My friends and I took pictures at the beach yesterday and seeing photos of my body made me realize that I do look too skinny for myself.  I just need to really try to gain weight!  I've also been thinking about school and getting back to my Christian ministry group..I'm so excited :)

life time

My friends are down!  I've had such a good day with them too :)  It's nice to be around Christians who want to build you up.  We haven't talked as much about God, but we still have time.  I love that God made us to want and crave relationships!

my weakness is perfect

So I'm still going through The Good and Beautiful God and it is an amazing read!  The chapter I'm on talks about how we are sinners but now that Christ dwells in us sin reigns no more!  It discussed the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9--But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  I love this because it lets us know that even though we are weak God can use our crappy selves for good!  The mess and struggles we are going through will be used for His glory, what could be more beautiful and refreshing?  This makes me think that the ONLY thing perfect about us is our weaknesses.  Crazy I know.

freedom

It's the 4th of July!!  Ahh summer is going by so fast.  Today was another lovely day!  I just had lunch with my mom and now I am relaxing until work.  I want to thank God for letting me live in a country where we are able to freely worship and love Him!  I hope to continue to grow with God..and I feel like I am really beginning to change :)

ahhh-mazing

Not too much to say today.  Overall a pretty great day :)  I still need to watch the summit sermon sometime tomorrow!  And tonight at work I saw a family with an adopted child and it literally brought joy to my heart.  I really feel that one day I will adopt a child which is an amazing feeling!

we are loved by God.

Went to the beach this am with mom :)  So enjoyable.  I am still reading The Good and Beautiful God and today I read about how we always say we are still sinners.  While we are still sinners, Christ dwells within us as sinners!  He paid the price for us and we shouldn't sit around and concentrate on how awful we are.  The book brought up the point, how can we produce God-centered holiness if we think of ourselves as self-centered sinners?  But sin is still in us and always will be, even though we were born again we still live in our old sinful bodies.  Also today a man and kid walked up to me and my mom asking for water because they were dropped off by someone and then his phone died.  I liked the opportunity to give him ice water but then he asked to charge his phone..which I was leery to do because that would mean him coming into the house.  He also made it so obvious that he wanted money..so it kinda felt like a set up.  But it felt nice to help someone in need..just wish I could have talked about God with him!

who?

I can't believe that it's july 1st already!  Summer is pretty much flying by..I shouldn't be surprised since this happens every year haha  So tonight I read a little of the Bible and went over the verse someone received from God when I asked her to pray over me.  It's Isaiah 54 and it's beautiful!  It almost brought me to tears when I read it out loud.  Today I actually had a thought about my eating disorder.  Why am I so concerned with the way I look?  I mean no one will remember how skinny I was when I die...I would rather be remembered as a great woman of God than someone who had a great body.  I hope to remember this thought because it's so true.  It kind of scares me to think that one day on this Earth no one will remember me...

deeds man.

I'm just feeling pretty tired today.  Overall a good day, but I feel really lazy now!  I had a great morning though because I got to do a Bible study with my best friend :)  We are reading James and today we talked about how having good faith means you want to do good deeds.  The chapter stated that you should be able to show others that you love God by your actions...which totally goes in step with the saying actions speak louder than words.  I want others to know that I'm a huge fan of God and this will mean showing my faith by doing good deeds.

just takes time

So I ate a pretty good amount today...trying to not think about it too much!  So life has been pretty good lately.  Of course there are ups and downs but I know God is truly in my heart.  I just really need to focus on praying!  I believe that it works but I need to put more effort into it.  This summer I hope to become more comfortable about talking to others about God.  HE IS SO AWESOME.

powerful

Cried myself to sleep talking to my sister last night.  Life is so incredibly hard!  I have this very positive mindset but it's just so hard to follow through!  I say that I want to live life to the fullest everyday, but when does anyone do that?  I just want to be truly happy.  I know that the only way this will happen is by trusting God.  Last night me and my sister talked about how we worry so much..and that this is letting God know that we don't trust him.  I mentioned that the feeling would probably never 100 percent go away and she was surprised.  I think maybe I am not giving God enough credit.  He can totally change anything he wants in our life!  Anyway I ate a lot today, feeling a little bad about it..but I need to gain some weight!

mixed up

Today involved a lot of mixed emotions!  I was totally stressed this morning because my house was an absolute mess from my friends staying over.  So I cleaned everything and felt a little better...still having thoughts about not liking how much I drank on my birthday.  Normally I feel awful when I do something I'm not proud of..but not so much this time.  I like that I actually waited until midnight of my birthday to drink anything--there was no way I was going to mess up my year and a half of no alcohol! haha  Tonight I watched a summit sermon and it was on how God saved us as orphans..and how we should love those who are lost or actual orphans!  For some reason this message touched me so much I was literally crying.  I have no idea what that means but I really felt God in my heart.  This lead me to pray out loud..which also involved crying.  It was painful but I felt so close to Him.  I really love Him so much and I'm begging for him to change my life.

21--it's my birthday.

Last night was so insane!  I feel like I was a horrible witness but I did have fun...I felt kinda bad when I was drunk because I was mad at myself.  I hate the feeling that I'm a hypocrite.  I know that God will use every situation though, and I was able to watch the sunrise this morning :)  It really reminded me of how beautiful God created this Earth.  I am really 21 now!  I have come to realize that this life is amazing, and God wants me to not worry about what others think.  I love him so much and I want to live for him.  I've had a little of a hard time with eating this weekend..freaked out a little about the calories I was drinking last night.  I am really not looking forward to weighing myself in the morning.  Side note--birthdays seem less special every year, but I truly want to thank God for everyone and everything in my life.

It's the night before my 21st birthday and I am pretty excited!  Just afraid that I might lose a bit of myself.  I really want to hold on to my morals!  God be with me, and I know he always is :)

crazy day

Ahhh i feel so stressed! I am not supposed to worry this much, worrying is basically saying that I don't trust God.  I need to pray for my heart to be rested...so that I can really enjoy this weekend.  I hope that it's a lot of fun and that my friends don't feel we have to be drunk to have fun!  I still can't get over I'm gonna be 21. SO much on my minddddd!!!

stressed. out.

Omg today has been pretty bad with my eating habits!  Even though I'm eating a huge piece of cake right now..trying not to feel guilty.  So I'm super stressed because all of my friends are coming into town for my birthday tomorrow.  I guess I just feel stressed because I think I have to plan everything so people will have fun..it's making me break out! ha  I really hope that God will be with me this weekend to help me hold true to my morals.  It's always more challenging when I'm around my lukewarm/non Christian friends.  Hopefully they will be able to see that I have changed for the better.

true life

Overall a relaxing day.  Worked on my friends birthday video and read some Jeremiah!  I also went to the doctor today thinking I had a bladder infection.  It was so hard when she asked when my last period was because I had to tell her I haven't had it in 6 months..then of course that I was working on getting over an eating disorder.  This is so hard to fix!  I feel like I'm gaining weight but I'm not getting anywhere.  I need to start praying more for this :)  Also I read a blog today about witnessing to your friends.  It mentioned that you should really just be honest with them and tell them your true story.  This will not scare them and might even let them see how much God has really done in your life.  I am so going to try this!

tough jank.

Spent today with my mom and older sister on the beach :)  Pretty nice day all around, got some lunch and walked on the dunes!  I only felt a little sad because I was stressing about eating too much.  Even though I weighed this morning and I have only gained one pound since my lowest weight.  I have no clue why it's so mentally hard on me to talk myself into eating more.  I seriously need to work on this..and I hope that praying to God will help.  Reading again today James Smith talked about how there are two different perspectives of God.  He is either really angry and wants to condemn us all, or super loving and we can never upset him.  Having the right impression of God is a pretty tough challenge and one that we will never fully understand until we meet him in heaven :)  But he did a good job of explaining why God has to be harsh sometimes by saying, "Would a God who took as much pleasure in evil as he did in good be a good God?"  Of course the answer to this question is no!  I haven't finished the chapter yet but hopefully it will begin to become clearer to me.  The Good and Beautiful God is definitely worth reading :)

listen up yall!

So I didn't have a very good night yesterday..but today I got to skype my best friend and we continued our Bible study in James!  It truly made my mood soooo much better :)  Well yesterday at work a lady ordered the wrong type of ice cream and came up complaining, my boss told her she was sorry but the menu specifically explained the item.  The lady was really rude and my boss just threw the food in the trash right in front of her...bad attitudes on both parts!  But then my boss went and gave the lady her money back and she came and put all of it in our tip jar!  I'm not sure why but I really felt God in that moment.  I thought it was awesome how both of them apologized and were able to agree.  I guess if we were all able to admit that we are wrong and be more humble things would be easier.  While reading James today we talked about the verse James 1:19-20, "¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."  I think I need to work on this in my everyday life.  For instance, I work with two chinese girls who don't know a lot, and it's hard for me to not be rude when we are busy and they don't understand orders.  This is totally unfair because they are from a different country and don't fully understand our culture to begin with.  So I am going to try to be friends with them and help them out when they have questions.  I really want to do the right thing and let them see how a Christian is supposed to act...so they will know that Christ really can change people.  

what is love?

It's father's day! yay dads. haha  But seriously, I am blessed with a great father :)  Today has been pretty relaxing, got to see my parents a little before they left to go back home..which was nice.  Didn't go to church again this morning, but I am going to watch a summit sermon online- and I'm stoked about that! ha  I read some today and did the exercise in The Good and Beautiful God on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  The verse is "Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails."  The part that stuck out to me the most was--it keeps no record of wrongs.  This hit me because lately a friend has come back into my life, who hasn't always been the best friend and didn't try to keep up with me at all.  Now she suddenly wants to be friends again and I had a hard time with letting her come to my birthday party next weekend.  I guess I just felt so hurt from her in the past and I'm afraid that we have both changed a lot.  But this verse says that love keeps no record of wrongs...so who am I to let the past bother me?  I think God is bringing her into my life again for a reason..and I want to show her true love.  This verse is how our Christian community should love one another, and wouldn't it be beautiful if we could?

changeeee.

Today has been pretty nice so far :)  My parents are down because it's father's day weekend!  And my mom bought me a digital camera and dress for my birthday, which is next weekend! ahh I'm so blessed to have such caring parents..but sometimes I hate how much I don't feel guilty spending their money.  I am so incredibly cheap that I like it when they by me stuff.  I mean I always try to buy stuff but they insist on getting it, and I don't usually argue.  I guess I just feel bad because I have so much in my life and I don't always appreciate it.  Last night I read the verse "heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise."  Jeremiah 17:14  I think this is beautiful and the way I should approach God with all of my problems.  I guess now I am asking to be healed of idolatry..with the whole eating thing, and of being selfish.  I know God can save me, I just need to fully believe that I can change.

perfect timing

Another off day...what is going on! ha  Just little things kept going wrong at work and now I have a weird feeling.  But seriously, I wouldn't call it a bad day at all.  So last night when I read my Bible I found this verse--"search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."  Psalms 139:23-24.  This verse is absolutely gorgeous!  God has a way of making you read an exact verse that you needed to hear.  I love this because I feel so close to him when it happens.  I think I am beginning to fall in love with God..I know I love him, but I want a total head over heels love.  This will come, but I know it is going to involve a lot of work and spiritual warfare.  As for now I'm trying to be thankful for everything God has given me in this crazy life :)

that green stuff.

Ahh today did not start out so hot. haha  I have really been in just an okay mood lately.  Work was decent and afterwards I went on a bike ride and laid/prayed in a hammock.  It was so nice to relax :)  Last night I  really couldn't fall asleep.  I just kept thinking about things I need to do and how I need another job.  Finances are something that I REALLY need to give over to God.  I get so stressed thinking about things that I need to buy and how I hate to spend the money on them.  I feel like I try so hard to save and can't even afford to buy some things that I just want..I am always holding back.  This part of my life is definitely the hardest for me to stop worrying about.  Hopefully this summer will allow me to begin to let God control this aspect.  I know that he cares about every part of my life...now I just need to let him have the wheel.

easy huh?

So my little funk has carried over to today, all though as the day went on it has improved.  I was able to spend my day off on the beautiful beach..which was so amazing!  While reading my book on the beach it began to talk about how we think we can never measure up for God.  This is so true, but God still wants us to love him, and not be shy and hide by thinking we are not enough for him.  We always think that we have to do mission work to please God, but most of all he wants us to serve others as a motivation of his love and not guilt.  This thought was so awesome because sometimes I think the only way I can live a true Christian life is to be a missionary or in a similar field.  Really God just wants me to love him and spread his word.  This sounds sooo simple...but for me it's not!  I don't understand why it is difficult for me to talk about someone who is so outstanding?  I mean who cares if people think I'm crazy, the only opinion that matters is the big man upstairs :)  I guess I'm figuring out being comfortable in my own skin and truly letting go of what others think for his purpose.  Once again, easier said than done.

long dayyyyyy. ha

Ahh today will be a long day!  Found out I'm working a double so this should be fun. haha  Yesterday was definitely a little damper on my good mood streak, but talking with my sister always makes it better :)  Today I'm trying to focus on being positive and friendly to people.  Working is a great way for me to be joyful and to show others how living in Christ provides happiness.  I will continue to pray that God will transform my heart to be more like him, so I can cherish each day on this Earth.

lag day

Today has been a little bit more of a difficult day for me.  I hate how I over analyze what I eat and begin to think that I have consumed too many calories.  Even if I did I'm supposed to be gaining weight so that would be good!  I'm just going to have to continue to pray about this situation.  Yesterday was such an amazing day..and I hope that tonight's walk on the beach will help change my mood.  One positive thing is that I recited Psalm 23 perfectly today :)

be ambitious for God

Well I didn't go to church this morning because I'm having a hard time finding a place that I like enough, but I did watch a summit sermon :)  The summit church is pretty awesome and I love their overall vision.  The sermon was on scripture in Philippians and the main point was that we need to be ambitious in life for the right things.  A great point made was-- it is how we respond when our ambitions are disappointed that reveals whether they are godly or selfish ones.  God knows what is best for us in life, and we have to be willing to sacrifice some of our dreams and what we think we deserve for his kingdom.  In all honesty we deserve hell...but God died for us so that we could discover grace through him. I guess I'm trying to work on not complaining and giving my life over to God.  I really need no ones approval in this life..and I want to be content in Christ.  

uncommon

Today I'm helping set up for a wedding!  So excited to volunteer and get some experience in, hopefully it will be a lot of fun :)  Anyway, remembered a quote I had written down, "When you do the common things of life in an uncommon way, you will demand the attention of the world".  I think this has so much to do with how Christians should live.  I like to remind myself that not everyone has to be a missionary to tell people about Jesus, there are lost people everywhere in this world.  I hope to grow with God this summer and began to strengthen my skills of talking about Jesus with people.  This definitely has to start with prayer though.  I don't really have any profound thoughts today, just going to keep trying to memorize Psalm 23 and continue praying for the girls who have eating disorders on livejournal.  While going through this same thing I keep telling myself that God has created me this way, beautiful in his image...and he wants me to take care of my body!  Hopefully  I will start to gain a little weight soon so I can be on my way to recovery. 

oh he loves us :)

God is so good! Today just feels right, and I think I am falling more in love with God.  He is so amazing because he loves us so much, no matter what circumstances we have been or are going through.  I'm still reading The Good and Beautiful God and the author mentioned Psalm 23..which is a great reminder of His love for us. 


The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
  He makes me lie down in green pastures;
he leads me beside still waters;
  he restores my soul.
He leads me in right paths
  for his names sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
  I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
   your rod and your staff-
  they comfort me.


You prepare a table before me
  in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
  my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
  all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
  my whole life long. 


This summer one of my goals is to improve my prayer life!  I had this thought to pray specifically for some girls I found on livejournal who are struggling with eating disorders.  It's so refreshing and a great reminder of how God can change situations because of our prayer.  I still have a hard time understanding and believing 100 percent about the purpose of prayer..but God is definitely working on this doubt with me.  

loving myself

My friend just sent me a text with the verse Jeremiah 50:33-34, so awesome how God uses other people to help us through tough times!  The verse reads.. 

³³ This is what the LORD Almighty says:

   “The people of Israel are oppressed,
   and the people of Judah as well.
All their captors hold them fast,
   refusing to let them go. ³⁴ Yet their Redeemer is strong;
   the LORD Almighty is his name.
He will vigorously defend their cause
   so that he may bring rest to their land,
   but unrest to those who live in Babylon.

So for the past year I have been losing weight..but this goal turned dangerous when I began restricting myself from eating enough calories to keep focused on a normal day.  For the past six months I have been struggling with an eating disorder and have even been attending counseling sessions.  This is definitely one of the hardest things that I have ever had to endure, and something that is incredibly unhealthy.  Currently, I haven't had my period in six months and seriously need to gain some weight!  The hardest thing about the disorder is the mental battle that takes place daily.  I know that in my life the captor is this disorder, but as the verse says God is strong and will bring rest to this struggle.  I know that I am not as bad off as some fighting this disorder because I have God in my life, but this doesn't mean it's simple.  I am trying my hardest to beat this!  And have even gained a few pounds in the last couple of weeks :)  This whole experience has opened my eyes to see how many girls feel, and how society demands so much from us!  We need to focus on improving our self image and loving ourselves for exactly how God created us..easier said than done I know!  But all things are possible with God.  So at this point I'm trying to understand how I can improve my self image and think of ways to influence others to love themselves. 

performing for who?

Today on facebook a cool guy posted a link about a book that discusses our quiet times with God.  It talked about how we may associate God's love and grace for us based on if we participated in our daily quiet times with God or not.  This is super false but is actually one of the ways I feel sometimes.  While God doesn't punish us when we don't spend as much time with him, it is so true that I don't feel as motivated or positive about my own life.  Anyway, the link had this great little thought that went like this, "So what, then, does Scripture command? It commands that the Word of God be constantly upon your heart. You are to pray, to read the Scripture and to meditate upon it, but you are to do so from a joyful desire, and not mere performance-based duty. You are to do so throughout your whole life, and not merely for a few minutes each morning. Like Johnson, you will come to realize that the 'goal isn’t that we pray and read the Bible less, but that we do so more—and with a free and needy heart.'”  This is something that I definitely need to work on, but that I have already seen improve in me.  I hope that God continues to make me crave his word everyday and want to live and spend every day with him! 

counting your blessings

So I have been reading the book The Good and Beautiful God by James Bryan Smith, and it is really opening my eyes to see how much God deeply loves and cherishes his children.  Chapter three specifically stuck out to me because it talks about counting your blessings and being thankful for the things in life that God has provided.  This task is so challenging because I always think about the money I need to save to buy more items, or if I could just have what she has I would be happier.  These thoughts are not only sinful, but they create a sense of unhappiness inside of us.  God has given each and everyone of us something to cherish, we just have to begin to see the items in our life this way.  James Smith writes, "The life we are living is at times scary but is also a great deal of fun.  The key is to remember who is riding with us.  There is not a single situation you and I will face that we must face alone.  God is with us.  God is out for our good.  Even in the most painful circumstances God is able to redeem it, for 'we know that all things work together for good' (Romans 8:28) for those who trust in him.  The least we can do is enjoy the ride."  God knows that we have troubles and issues with jealousy and wanting more material things in this life, but he still loves us even with these flaws.  We have to try to change our mindset so that we can better God's kingdom, ourselves, and reach out to others with compassion.


The chapter mentioned making a list of blessings in your life..so I thought I would give it a shot :)

• family
• friends
• God's love
• laughter
• prayer
• sunrise/sunset
• beach
• music!!
• my car
• diet vanilla coke :)
• coffee
• cake
• cute clothes
• cell phone
• car
• apartment
• able to attend college
• porch swing
• mountains
• cats
• emotions
• rain
• air conditioning

here we go!

Today while lying on the beach I had this idea to start a blog.  Nothing super awesome, but it will be a way for me to keep up with all of my thoughts.  Recently, I have been learning a lot about myself and God.  I'm trying to fully understand his love for me and what direction he is steering me in this crazy world.  I have decided that I am dedicating a year of my life to writing this blog and learning about God along the way.  I plan to post everyday, even if there is nothing amazing I have to say, or if God didn't grace me with some astonishing new thought or exciting event.  I can't wait to get started and be transformed through God's love. 365 days..here we go!